Six years of bitching and moaning

So where the hell have I been? Do you know? Do you care? (A Phil Collins song, yes? Discuss.)

It's been an odd month. I had surgery. (here's a picture of me shaved down, ladies. Enjoy.) And yes, it takes three holes to take out one appendix nowadays. Inflation I guess. Then I got a little sick. Then I went back to Cali for my high school reunion. Then I got really super sick. But now I'm all better. I know this is all very fascinating... and through it all work has been the busiest its ever been (literally) in the 6 years I've been here. (Oh, quick plug: there's a Pay-What-You-Can matinée performance of The Taming of the Shrew this Sunday at 2:00. If you have a hankering for inexpensive classic theatre, come on down and pay as much or as little as you see fit. You cheap bastards.)

Speaking of being here six years, yes last week was our/my six year anniversary of doing Quizzo at the Pour House. I was supposed to start 9/11/01 but a terrorist attack in New York and at the Pentagon happened. Did you read about that? Anyway, I started a week after that with four teams (three of which were groups from work, thanks for the support!) and I didn't have a microphone and I just stood in the middle of the bar yelling questions at people. Did it like that for about four months before someone thought to get me a mike. Shortly thereafter I got a scorebabe which is way cooler than a mike. The game was pretty much the same as it is now, but there was no theme-name round, no half-time show and all the speed rounds were made of wood. The bar was a little crazier then. Ladies used to flash for bonus points, we used to have free rounds of shots for the speedround winners and on more than one occasion the evening ended with ladies dancing on the bar. Well, at least for our six year anniversary we did get one brave young lady named Layla to dance on the bar for us (pictured here).


I'm not saying it was better in the past, just different.

The staff still changes from time to time, but the bartenders and servers have almost all been uniformly great (if they're not, they usually don't last long). We've had lots of regulars. I know a lot of you think you're the most die hard team we've ever had, but there were really great die hard teams before you (The Regulars, Mama Sharkey's crew, e.g.) and there will be new die hard teams when you eventually move on. We won't mind, we'll probably still be here.

Frankly, I don't know how much longer I'll be doing Quizzo. I hope to God I won't be doing it six more years from now and yes, every now and then I entertain the idea of just signing off at the end of a really good night with a "so long, suckers!" and just never come back. But I also know, I like the crowd, I like the money, I like rocking the mike and I like knowing no matter how bad my day was (and I do come in to the bar a little grumpy sometimes), I know that after a few rounds of questions and a few rounds of beers I'll forget all about my boss, my bills, my problems for at least a little while. And that's usually reason enough to keep me coming back. Thanks for a great six years everybody.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNER - Ah-madinejad? No, You're Adinejad! 34










$20 WINNER - Persian Rug Munchers 33











$10 WINNER - Hey, It's Enrico Palazzo! 32










Iranian Rainbow Coalition 26
Krodgblat 26
Raiding the Holocaust Museum with OJ and Ahmadinejad 27
At Least He Went Quietly 27
J 25
Ahmadinejad's Boy Toys 29
Red-Headed Jew 19
Necrophilia: the Victimless Crime 30
Jack Bauer Didn't Drive Drunk, He's Infiltrating Yakuza 30
The Rogue Nipples 15
Chicken Out 15
Ahmadinejad Secretly Loved Showtunes 15


GAME TWO (Favorite L Words)

$30 WINNER - Ligers 35









$20 WINNER - Liechtenstein 24









$10 - Leering, Leprous, Lascivious Leprechauns 31










Lickalotapus 29
La'crodgbladt 27
Lieutenant Dan's Legs 29
Lick My Balls 29
Chicken Out 23
Lugubriously 27
Love's Labia Lost
Liberace's Lithe In Iran 24
L-ien 29
Lesbians Love Leftover Labia 24
Lost (cubed) 21
Loopy 13
No Name 14
Energy 15

Better Late Than Pregnant

Oh, we've been bad little bloggers, haven't we? The busy season has begun for the Shakespeare Mafia, and we're sorry to have neglected you, our dear little quizzlings. Here are the names, scores, and pictures for September 11, 2007. Happy birthday again, Ludacris and guy who gave us delicious cake.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS - Not the First Man Hillary Left in the Fetal Position and Won't Be the Last 31









$20 WINNERS - Never Forget September 11 . . . Is Ludacris's Birthday 30 (tie break winner)









$10 WINNERS - Today Is My Birthday . . . Why Is Everyone So Sad? 30 (tie break loser)









John's Night Out 15
The Taliban: Still "Just for Men" 25
It's Over - the Fat Lady "Sang" 18
My Friends Suck 15
Pillsbury Dough Girls 15
When You Canceled Trivia, the Terrorists Won 29
Three Finger Ass Slap 18
Britney Got Fat - the Terrorists Have Won 29
Poor-o at the Quiz House 14
All By Myself 11
Free Speech Pony 18
Clavins 28
Sparkly Panties 29

GAME TWO (theme: what will Neal learn at his reunion)

$30 WINNERS - Fat, Drunk, & Stupid Is A Way to Go Through Life 29









$20 WINNERS - 99 Problems: Trivia Ain't One 25









$10 WINNERS - You Only Have One Daughter! 23
(or maybe it was Alien Beat Predator 23 - either way, no pictures were taken)

Jungle Fever 10
One 14
Your Prom Date Brought Her 20 Year Old Son 19
Everyone Looks the Same, Just . . . Swelled 16
Delirium Tremens 19
Remember That Time in Woodshop? Yeah, His Name's Billy 16
Shakespeare Still Gets You No Pussy 17
Neal's Prom Dress Still Fits! 15
Clavins 22
You: Still A Virgin 22
Aborted Fetus 14

Now We Are Six

Happy birthday, Quizzo!

GAME ONE

$30 WINNER – La Reconquista 44

$20 WINNER – On the Sixth Day, Neal Created Quizzo . . . Also, OJ! 38

$10 WINNER – After Six Years, We Got Nothing 35

The Juice Is No Longer Loose 23
Vick In A Box 19
It’s Been Six Years and Scorebabe Still Won’t Do Anal! 31
Will Six Years Get the Pour House and Ring? 18
Bill Belichick: If I Did It 31
Swiftboat Veterans for Tazering Bitches 31
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 14
After Further Review, Belachick Still a Dick 26
If the Hoody Fits, You Must Acquit 31
Withdrawal – Good for Catholics, Bad for Iraq 29
National League Is Bush League 17
Clavins 34
Sarah Likes Bikes 20
Nikki Sixxers 28
MFK 16
My Codpiece Smells Like Febreeze 18

If You Get Tasered Questioning Kerry, Do You Get the Chair for Questioning Bush? 15

GAME TWO (Sixth Anniversary Present)

$30 WINNER – Threesome With Jenna Von Oy 45

$20 WINNER – All Six Holes Filled! 41

$10 WINNER – A Six Pack of Miller High Life 40

A Divorce 36

Alien V. Predator: the Director’s Cut 38
A Stripper 22
Threesome With Another Guy 30
A Seventh Anniversary 23
Cunnilingus: Also A Cure for the Common Appendectomy 33
You Mean Besides Six Blow Jobs from the Scorebabe? 26
Clavinz 35
Who Brought the Black Guy? 26
Rose O’Donnell Wearing Nothing But A Ribbon 33
A Text Message Saying “It’s Over” 24
More Than the Average Six Inches 35
If I Did It, I Wouldn’t Tell You 15
A Clue 33

It Ain't Easy Being Scorebabe

Okay, that isn’t entirely true. Being Scorebabe primarily involves making self-deprecating comments about my (largely fictional) sexual preferences and doing grade school level math while tipsy. And belching. All of these things are, in fact, easy. Still, when my job expands to encompass Quizzomaster duties, the stakes are raised. Considerably.

For all the shit you give him, you love Neal. Hell, I love Neal. Everyone loves Neal. He’s lovable. Hitching my wagon to Neal’s star has been a lesson in humility. My nephew Scott broke my heart one Christmas by greeting me not with “Hey Becca!” but “Where’s Neal?” After years of starring in The Rebecca Show, I’ve been demoted to a supporting role in a charming spin off entitled Neal! And I’m comfortable with that - so much so that when I have to do something like oh, I don’t know, host Quizzo maybe, it’s a bit daunting. I am the Gracie to Neal’s George Burns, and I’m sure Gracie would have freaked out a little if someone had handed her a cigar and pushed her out on stage alone.

Still, I feel Tuesday went well. Not Neal well, but well enough. The vast majority of you are very supportive, and I thank you for it. You really do need to work on the heckler heckling, though. Seriously, when all I’m coming up with is crap like “hey, angry corner girl,” you’ve got to step up.

Before your scores, I must give a shout out to Andy, who is a fantastic co-host (and a great host in his own right). Oh, and Neal is recovering nicely. He should be back next week!

GAME ONE

$30 Winner – Save Ferris/Neal 34

$20 Winner – So We Are Calling Rehab Appendicitis Now? 32

$10 Winner – Clavinz 31

Phil Beats Tiger, Craig Jealous 30
Take Off Your Pants and Jacket 22
Appalachia Rises Again 27
If An Appendectomy Will Help My Looks, Sign Me Up 24
Team At the Bar 20
We’re A Come From Behind Team & That’s the Way Larry Craig Likes It 28
Baby Pony 3.9455 26
No Sex in the Champagne Room, the Men’s Room Is Right Around the Corner 30
Where in the World Is Steve Fossett? 28
Push Push In the Bush 19
Poor-o At the Quiz House 27
MFK 21

GAME TWO (Recovery Advice for Neal)

$30 Winner – Keep a Narrow Stance 33 (tie-break winner)

$20 Winner – Clavins 33 (tie-break loser)

$10 Winner –Blow Jobs Are High in Potassium 31

Team At the Bar 21
Coupla Needles In the Ass 12
Cunnilingus 24
Revenge Is Sweet: Don’t Put Topless Photos of Your Daughter Online 27
Hide Scorebabe’s Strap-on Or Use Extra Lube 21
Don’t Dry Hump Til 10 Days After 25
Baby Pony 3.9455 23
$500 & a Good Night on K Street 24
One Dose of Scorebabe 2x Daily 26
Only Bone Doggie Style 28
Codeine, Codeine, Codeine 30

Daddy Plays Rough

I was a stay at home dad for my daughter when she was 2 and 3. We were rough-housers. She loved to wrestle and be thrown around. She used to hold my hands and then walk up my legs and chest, kick off and do a backflip. She was fearless. One ritual she always enjoyed was after a bath when I was toweling her off she liked it when I rolled her up in her towel, held her over the bed and then, with a quick snap, unfurled her into the pillows. It made bath time easier knowing there was to be this fun being thrown around moment at the end. Whee!

One evening, post-bath, I've got my three year-old rolled up in a fluffy Blues Clues terrycloth about to unroll her onto the bed when my wife walks in. "What are you doing?" she asks. "This is what we do," I explain, "She loves it." Charlotte, wide-eyed, eagerly confirms, "It's fun!" Melissa, with a look of doubt in her eye, steps back to see what exactly is so fun about throwing a child across the room. So, I enthusiastically unfurl and you the reader being a smart cookie, must see exactly where this is going.

She hits the bed just like she's supposed to, but the God of Chaos is passing by and decides to have fun. Instead of rolling smoothly right up to the soft pillows by the headboard, her feet stick magically to the bedspread and her body rolls in a perfect arc, like a windshield wiper, sending her little naked body flying off the side of the bed landing head first on the floor where she understandably bursts into tears. Her mom scoops her up to tend to her and I'm standing their impotently with a damp towel sputtering my apologies, my concern for Charlotte, my insistence that it two years this had never happened before and it would never happen again, and it's not my fault and I'd never want to hurt my child and did I mention how sorry I was?

That's kind of how Quizzo was this week. It was supposed to be fun for everyone, just like it always is. But when you look at the scores you'll see that an awful lot of teams rolled off the side of the bed and landed on their heads. Unfortunately, no one that I could see was wet and naked.

But remember, we didn't earn the reputation for being the toughest trivia night in town just because all the other places are easier. Er, wait, maybe we did. Anyway, just letting you know I'm going to make a concerted effort to make you bleed out of your ears just a little bit less for the next few weeks. At least until September 18th. That's my 6 year anniversary running this stupid game and I'm not holding anything back for anybody. Save the date.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNER Clavins 28









$20 WINNER I da ho? No, Craig da Ho 27









$10 WINNER Idaho on the Down Low 27










The Brendas 15
He Must Have Been Watching "You, Me and Dupree" 12
Larry Craig's Wide Stance 18
Screw the Bocce Team 13
Tap Your Foot Twice for Butt Sex, 3 Times for a Big Idaho Russet 26
Wanna Touch Some Famous Potatoes? 24
I'd Kill Myself After "Shanghai Nights" Too. 22
The Team at the Bar 21
Pull Train on Mom 18
My Name is Larry, this is my Lover Daryl 22
The Souvlaki Tastes Burnt 21
Cop Killer by Ice W, 2 Down, a Million to go 20
Sausage Kings of Chicago 25


GAME TWO (Adios Alberto)

$30 WINNER Time to go Fishing Fredo 26 (Tie Break Winner)









$20 WINNER Going! Going! Gonzalez 26 (Tie Break Loser)









$10 WINNER Sorry Alberto, Your Green Card Expired 25









The Team at the Bar 16
Fuckin' Mexicans 20
Sodomy Sundays with W Became Too Much for My Legal Briefs to Take (This is an excellent example of a team that didn't know when to stop naming themselves) 20
Ashcroft's Midnight Raiders 23
Alberto Tapped LC's Wire 17
John Ashcroft Beats Taco Bell 17
Speedy Gonzalez 15
Clavins 22
I Don't Recall That 17
I Can't Recall the Theme 22
Performance was the Issue for the Lame Enchilada 18
Chillin' in Habeus Corpus Christi 23
Sausage Kings of Chicago 19
Craig isn't the Only One Who Got it in the Pooper 15

What should have been our last slow night of the summer (just wait until the interns return) was unusually crowded. Of course a large contingency of Yelpers smack dab in the middle of the room there to judge the bar and the Quizzo helped fill the place up. Yelp is one of those social networking sites built around people who like to recommend places to complete strangers. Don't get me wrong, they're lovely people, but they seem awfully positive.

Check out some of their reviews at Yelp and you'll see what I mean. I don't know how you find so much to complain about at a bar and then go ahead and give it 4 or 5 stars. Don't like the food, bathrooms, service, or even the condiments? No problem, you're still highly rated. What does a place have to do to earn your derision, serve severed fingers in the fry basket? (That's your token C. Thomas Howell reference of the day; enjoy!). Then again maybe that free pitcher of beer they won for best team name helped take the edge off the evening for them. Don't blog drunk kids, you're only hurting yourself and your Yelp Fan Rating or whatever.

Interesting to learn that they actually planned ahead and based their name on my advice. The fact that their name (Dogfighting on the Outside, Cockfighting on the Inside) got such a great crowd response can only mean that I am always right and you kids should listen to me more often.

Speaking of douchebags, here's a really fantastic Pub Trivia article about the guys in Denver I mentioned earlier. I'm not saying I agree with all their methods, but holy cow they've got a loyal audience. I mean, my teams are great, but their customers' loyalty is pretty damn fierce. Then again, they're in Denver, what else do they have to do with their lives except trivia?

Lastly, a cool link that came my way this week for any of you looking for confirmation that you pay too much to rent in DC (or wherever). I love the Intronet. It's neato.


GAME ONE
$30 WINNERS: One Less Bush for All 33









$20 WINNERS: Clavins 31









$10 WINNERS: Only Little People Get Heart Disease 30










Touch My Monkey 11
Quizzo in the HIzzo for Shizzo 13
Why Couldn't NASA Kill My Teacher Too? (I have a test tomorrow) 29
Lowered Expectations 26
Waiting for Beckham to take his Shirt off Again 26
Alberto, Doesn't Your Family Need You Too? 23
Hell Just GOt a Little More Mean 24
Dean's Going to Mexico 23
Pour House is my Favorite Gay Bar 18
Rape Stand 18
Three Women and a Little baby 21
Dogfighting on the Outside, Cockfighting on the Inside 26
Hurricane Filner Takes Out Dulles 28
Team at the Bar 21
Dean! Jamaican Me Wet 29

GAME TWO: Advice for new Middle Schoolers
$30 WINNERS: Clavins 34









$20 WINNERS: Only Fuck the Rich Boys 32 (tiebreak winners)









$10 WINNERS: That's Not What a Compass is For 32









Binge with Prozac, Purge with RU-486 29
There's No Such Thing as a Permanent Record 29
The Test She Could Not Blow: A Pop Quizzo 22
School Dances are for Losers 7
Suck, Don't Blow 30
I Hear the Retarded Girl Gives Special Ed 15
Don't Tell Your Dad "I Understand that Cinderella Joke Now" 22
Second Base Tops 24
Fat Kids are Hard to Kidnap 28
You Can't Get Pregnant if you take it in the Ass 23
To Catch a Predator just got Easier 22
Don't Rub Teacher's Middle Leg 28
Don't Tell Quiz Guy Where the Clavins Touched You 26
Team at the Bar 24

Picture Pages

Quizzo Virgins II: Smart and Lonely

Had to share this piece of SCIENTIFIC DATA because I know it speaks to the heart of my audience. Seems after many, many studies were conducted it was determined that there is a correlation between high IQs and virginity. And before you get all high and mighty, no, it doesn't correlate that way. It seems the higher your IQ, whether you're male of female, the higher the likelihood that you're a virgin.

Some of the studies went beyond just IQ scores to examine college students majors and their experience riding the bologna pony. Although the study cited was done at Wellesley, so perhaps there's a better euphemism. Riding the magic carpet? Anyway, the more intellectual the major, the higher the percentage of virgins in the department. Of course the parents whose daughters are majoring at Wellesley in Studio Art just got an education in there daughter's extracurricular activities: not a single virgin amongst them. Liberal arts: represent!

So do you think this data correlates to Quizzo? Taking a look at any random set of winning team photos I'd have to say: Probably.

So learn from this report. If you win at Quizzo and you go on and on about what a smarty-pants you are, realize all you're doing is confirming the fact that the only person whose been in your smarty pants is you.

The Boy with the Bunny

How prescient am I? I do a speed round on cheaters the same night that Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's record. It's almost like I knew it was going to happen. Then again, he was facing the Nats so it may have just been a foregone conclusion.

The fun part about that cheater handout was I got some material for it from my Dad. Inspired by the blackberry-user from two weeks ago, I thought I'd do a round on famous cheaters. Dad loved the idea and threw in some great ideas to start with: Rosie Ruiz, Ted Kennedy getting expelled from Harvard, the Worldcom fiasco, etc. Dad throws me questions from time to time, but I rarely use them because they're usually beyond impossible. Take my hardest, most ass-whupping question, multiply it by 12 and you get some idea of his material. He means well, but I know our crowd isn't going to be able to name the first left-handed golfer to win Arizona's most prestigious Pro-Am tournament. But this time, with a theme to work with, Dad was firing on all cylinders.

Some family history on how I got into trivia: It always seemed Dad could bond well with my brother and sister over sports. They were all good athletes and I wasn't. I was the artsy boy who liked to play chess by himself. Literally. One year at Christmas when all the kids got little clay ornaments, my sister's was a tennis player, my brother got a soccer player and I got a little boy holding a bunny.

Then when I was about ten or eleven there was a concerted effort on Dad's part to spend more time with me. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with my parents marriage about to implode, but anyway, somehow it was decided that I would join him when he went jogging. Again, I was the Boy with the Bunny; not really a runner. But I gave it a shot. And it turns out what I lacked in hand-eye coordination, agility, speed and toughness, I made up for in endurance (take note, ladies). It was on these runs that my dad decided to start teaching me the state capitals. He went through them from West to East, with brief histories of the states, their geography, mnemonic devices to help keep them all straight. It was good mental exercise (which I was used to) combined with physical exercise (which was foreign to me). And while today I can't remember my niece's birthday, I know Juneau to Augusta and back again.

Of course, it wasn't until I was much, much older that it dawned on me how, in terms of knowledge worth knowing, state capitals are really, truly, frankly, totally unimportant. They seem kind of important on maps and tests and Quizzo games but really they're just trivia answers: just as important as you make them. And for me, those fifty unimportant trivia answers will always seem a little more important than they should be. They take me back to a really interesting time in my life, just before my folks split up, when I was running around my neighborhood: just me and my Dad. Ain't nothing trivial about that.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS: Why Don't They Ever Write Stories About Bridges That Haven't Fallen Down? 34









$20 WINNERS: Michael Vick Humane Society 33









$10 WINNERS: Nicole Ritchie Isn't Pregnant, She Just Ate a Meatball 30 (Tie Break Winner)









The Bourne Penetration 30
I Don't Have a Member 30
Sarkozy Papparazzi 28
Clavins 27
Mariner Moose Against Drunk Driving 27
Team Chuck 25 (This was a first time, two man team! Beware Pour House!)
Ocean City, MD: Home of the Fetus Tree 24
Clean and Sober in 36 Hours: The Lohan Plan 23
8 Lost Miners, 24 Grieving Wives 23
I'll Have a Shot of Barry Juice and a Bud Chaser 20
Bombs Over Tiblisi 17
Give 'em Books! 16
Giuliani Went Barack and Never Went BAck 16
We're Going to Lose to the Team of 15 Next to US 16
Pooro at the Quizhouse 15
Poncho & Lefty & Obama 14
Put a Fork in Us We're Done 11


GAME TWO (How Hot Is It?)

$30 WINNERS: Almost as Hot as the Scorebabe 30









$20 WINNERS: Halle Berry Did it for Free 27









$10 WINNERS: I'd Go On a Minnesota Bridge Just to Cool Off 27









Even Hillary's Balls Are Sweaty 16Mariner moose 25
I Paid a Homesless Man $5 to Spit on Me 26
Hotter Than Titty Fucking Bea Arthur 19
Clavins Look Cool 26
I Feel Structurally Inefficient 22
Hotter Than Cheney's Shotgun Barrel 19
Pretty Hot 18
Insert Cheney or Anal Reference Here 10
Even Paris HAs Nothing to Say 17
Hotter Than Mark Foley's Office During Page Orientation 10
Vitter Took His Diaper Off 14
Sarkozy Sweating Balls and Flipping Off Reporters 5
-90 Degreees Kelvin 24
Too Hot For Anal 19