The Boy with the Bunny

How prescient am I? I do a speed round on cheaters the same night that Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's record. It's almost like I knew it was going to happen. Then again, he was facing the Nats so it may have just been a foregone conclusion.

The fun part about that cheater handout was I got some material for it from my Dad. Inspired by the blackberry-user from two weeks ago, I thought I'd do a round on famous cheaters. Dad loved the idea and threw in some great ideas to start with: Rosie Ruiz, Ted Kennedy getting expelled from Harvard, the Worldcom fiasco, etc. Dad throws me questions from time to time, but I rarely use them because they're usually beyond impossible. Take my hardest, most ass-whupping question, multiply it by 12 and you get some idea of his material. He means well, but I know our crowd isn't going to be able to name the first left-handed golfer to win Arizona's most prestigious Pro-Am tournament. But this time, with a theme to work with, Dad was firing on all cylinders.

Some family history on how I got into trivia: It always seemed Dad could bond well with my brother and sister over sports. They were all good athletes and I wasn't. I was the artsy boy who liked to play chess by himself. Literally. One year at Christmas when all the kids got little clay ornaments, my sister's was a tennis player, my brother got a soccer player and I got a little boy holding a bunny.

Then when I was about ten or eleven there was a concerted effort on Dad's part to spend more time with me. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with my parents marriage about to implode, but anyway, somehow it was decided that I would join him when he went jogging. Again, I was the Boy with the Bunny; not really a runner. But I gave it a shot. And it turns out what I lacked in hand-eye coordination, agility, speed and toughness, I made up for in endurance (take note, ladies). It was on these runs that my dad decided to start teaching me the state capitals. He went through them from West to East, with brief histories of the states, their geography, mnemonic devices to help keep them all straight. It was good mental exercise (which I was used to) combined with physical exercise (which was foreign to me). And while today I can't remember my niece's birthday, I know Juneau to Augusta and back again.

Of course, it wasn't until I was much, much older that it dawned on me how, in terms of knowledge worth knowing, state capitals are really, truly, frankly, totally unimportant. They seem kind of important on maps and tests and Quizzo games but really they're just trivia answers: just as important as you make them. And for me, those fifty unimportant trivia answers will always seem a little more important than they should be. They take me back to a really interesting time in my life, just before my folks split up, when I was running around my neighborhood: just me and my Dad. Ain't nothing trivial about that.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS: Why Don't They Ever Write Stories About Bridges That Haven't Fallen Down? 34









$20 WINNERS: Michael Vick Humane Society 33









$10 WINNERS: Nicole Ritchie Isn't Pregnant, She Just Ate a Meatball 30 (Tie Break Winner)









The Bourne Penetration 30
I Don't Have a Member 30
Sarkozy Papparazzi 28
Clavins 27
Mariner Moose Against Drunk Driving 27
Team Chuck 25 (This was a first time, two man team! Beware Pour House!)
Ocean City, MD: Home of the Fetus Tree 24
Clean and Sober in 36 Hours: The Lohan Plan 23
8 Lost Miners, 24 Grieving Wives 23
I'll Have a Shot of Barry Juice and a Bud Chaser 20
Bombs Over Tiblisi 17
Give 'em Books! 16
Giuliani Went Barack and Never Went BAck 16
We're Going to Lose to the Team of 15 Next to US 16
Pooro at the Quizhouse 15
Poncho & Lefty & Obama 14
Put a Fork in Us We're Done 11


GAME TWO (How Hot Is It?)

$30 WINNERS: Almost as Hot as the Scorebabe 30









$20 WINNERS: Halle Berry Did it for Free 27









$10 WINNERS: I'd Go On a Minnesota Bridge Just to Cool Off 27









Even Hillary's Balls Are Sweaty 16Mariner moose 25
I Paid a Homesless Man $5 to Spit on Me 26
Hotter Than Titty Fucking Bea Arthur 19
Clavins Look Cool 26
I Feel Structurally Inefficient 22
Hotter Than Cheney's Shotgun Barrel 19
Pretty Hot 18
Insert Cheney or Anal Reference Here 10
Even Paris HAs Nothing to Say 17
Hotter Than Mark Foley's Office During Page Orientation 10
Vitter Took His Diaper Off 14
Sarkozy Sweating Balls and Flipping Off Reporters 5
-90 Degreees Kelvin 24
Too Hot For Anal 19