Happiness is a Warm Cliche

Just got back from the multiplex and I have to share: You can skip Across the Universe. Julie Taymor is clearly talented (witness Frida, the first five minutes of The Lion King, um, did I already say Frida?), but her new movie is a mess: A grand collision of clever ideas and oh so tedious cliches, lessening the impact of the former and underscoring the wretchedness of the latter.

In no particular order, the ten best things about Julie Taymor's Across the Universe.

1. Selma Hayek's cameo... (wait for it) in a hot nurse outfit... (wait for it) replicated through the magic of special effects so that there are one, two, three, four, FIVE of her.

2. I saw Sean Penn. He was at the E Street Cinema for a special screening of Into the Wild. He was coming in as we were going out. I stopped him and we chatted about the state of cinema in America today, good Chinese restaurants in San Francisco and the Bush administration's failed foreign policy (I said, "They have one?" "Nice one, bro," Sean replied, "Up high!" and then we high-fived.) He's stopping by later tonight for drinks... OK, most of this wasn't true. But he was there.

3. Prudence was portrayed as a cute lesbian with a birthmark on her lip. Revolutionary.

4. Eddie Izzard continues his unparalleled success of being outstanding (or at least pretty good) in really crap movies. Additionally, Eddie's portrayal of Mr. Kite allows him to say that he's performed a role on screen originated by George Burns. Perhaps an Oh, God! remake isn't too far off?

5. I saw Evan Rachel Wood's boob. I chatted with it for a bit in the lobby about Sean Penn. It's pretty, but a little dumb.

6. Bono does a great Robin Williams impersonation.

7. The Joe Cocker "Come Together" sequence stands out like a perfect little 1980's music video (think Billy Joel's "Keepin' the Faith" video with better production values) to bridge the gap between the slow beginning of the movie and the dull middle and end parts. Joe Cocker is still the man; "Come Together" is the only song from the soundtrack I'd ever want to hear again.

8. Bread and Puppet Theatre is utilized and that's cool. I assume I could do a few seconds of Internet research and see if that's where Ms. Taymor got her start, but that would mean I care. I mean, I'm sure they've worked together in the past and I'm glad their work is put in the film because that's some of the best stuff.

9. Speaking of puppets, it's good to know black people can still be used as puppets to illicit an emotional response. Similar to the way that lone black man shows up out of nowhere for thirty seconds of screen time at the Lincoln Memorial in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, so too can an angel faced 10-year-old black boy sing "Let It Be" in the middle of a horrifying inner-city riot scene (the burning shell of a car he's crouched next to is truly gorgeous) in order to illicit that knee-jerk lump in our throats. Why show genuine interest in the African-American experience when you can trot them out as noble symbols instead?

10. Lastly, "Across the Universe" is still one of my favorite Beatles songs despite this movie.

Hack Smack

Adrian Fenty just earned my vote. When can I vote for him again? Can I vote now? Under pressure of a deadline he made the decision today to force DC taxi's to make the switch from their "rare zone system" (i.e. totally retarded) to the metered system used by, um, every other taxi system on the planet Earth. Of course the cabbies are up in arms over this change, but you know what, I don't care. If you count the number of people in The District who are cabbies and the number of people who ride in cabs, you'll find the cab users are in the majority (hooray!) and we all want to know what our fare is without having to do algebra.

Yes, yes, I'm capable of simple math, but I work hard all day and I don't need the added stress of trying to figure out how much I owe at the end of a cab ride. Every ride turns into a D&D campaign: two zones ($8.80, during rush hour (+ 1.50), with one extra passenger (+1), carrying an Elvish stunning wand (+2) against a level 6 troll (-3) blah, blah, blah... just put an LED display in front of me and call it done. And who hasn't ridden in a cab after they've had a few too many only to discover your ride is waaaaaay more pricey than you thought it would be, but you're waaaaaay to drunk to coherently argue and you're suddenly waaaaay more broke than you thought you'd be at the end of the night. I'm not saying all DC hacks will take advantage of you, but come on, there are plenty who do. Sure, they'll still find ways to rip off the tourists once the meters are installed (no, truly my friend, you must go through Georgetown to get from Lincoln Memorial to White House), but at least this gives the Griswalds a fighting chance.

There's even talk of a taxi-strike. I say go for it, Johnny. I don't think it will cripple DC for an instant. First off, while not perfect, the Metro does get people cross town fairly well, we've got Flexcars and Zipcars popping up all over town (I myself, am a Zipster, god help me for writing that), and, people, it may be mid-October but it's 80 degrees outside: walking and biking are perfectly acceptable options. "But Neal," you say (which you're not, because you totally agree with me and you're not a cabbie or stupid), "what about all those high-powered politicos who have to get from The Hill to Old Ebbitt Grill stat!" Don't worry about them. They've got more taxpayer money than they know what to do with. Amongst they're own personal cars, the private towncars and limos not to mention all the interns and staff they can piggyback on, they'll get around our cozy little city just fine. You know it.

A strike would last two weeks. Tops. Trust me.

And if I'm wrong I'll just check out my Zipcar for a few hours and make a fortune as a gypsy cab. Just so long as you don't mind that the car not having a meter...


GAME ONE
$30 WINNERS - THE COURT CHANGED MY NAME TO HEYWOOD JABLOWME (ed. note - all those Quizzo smarts and such a lousy team name)









$20 WINNERS - DA CLAVINZ









$10 WINNERS - BUSH DEMANDS NOBEL RECOUNT









GAME TWO - WORST POSSIBLE HALLOWEEN COSTUME THIS YEAR

$30 WINNERS - DA CLAVINZ









$20 WINNERS - SCOREBABE'S SISTER









$10 WINNERS - NEAL IN A BOX (3-WAY TIEBREAK WINNERS)

PSA from Hell

Like a lot of you, I grew up on TV. A lot of what I know at Quizzo I know from watching hours and hours and hours of good, fair and crappy TV. And yes, there's a place in my heart for all of it. And, as we all know, thanks to a government ruling, for stations to keep their licenses there has to be a certain percentage of educational programming every week and to maintain this standard a lot of PSAs are run. Without this government interference with our lives we may never have had PSAs from McGruff the Crime Dog taking a bite outta crime, Woodsy Owl (Give a Hoot! Don't Pollute!), Time for Timer making us a wagon wheel (with nutritious cheese!) or G.I. Joe telling us about fire safety.
The messages were simple: eat healthy, don't litter, cross at the corner, and knowing is half the battle.

When I got older the PSAs took on a less didactic quality and starting tackling weightier issues. We got a fried egg sizzling in a pan and knew that that's what would happen to our brains if we did drugs. The ad was little heavy-handed, but quite effective. We could all probably quote the ad almost verbatim. Of course, years later, to illustrate the effects of heroin a young Rachel Leigh Cook smashed up her whole kitchen with a freaking frying pan. Wait a minute, heroin? A PSA about heroin? Where'd Woodsy Owl go?


Now I'm an adult and I find the PSAs are still aimed squarely at me. The ads that used to be aimed at kids trying to teach them how to be good kids are now aimed at adults trying to teach us how to be good adults. Talk to your kids about drugs, you're the grown-up: you set the limits and your kids will respect you!, make sure your kids get art (such a great spot. Alec Baldwin's narration is delightful, but that kid from Oliver Beene talking in a monotone about his day at school just kills).

But my love of these subtle and not-so-subtle PSAs got a little too up in my grill this weekend as I sat on the couch with my 11 year-old daughter watching football. Yes, we love football. And right in the middle of the Redskins' thrashing of Detroit we get a spot filled with cute kids both older and younger than my daughter looking right in the camera urging moms and dads across the nation to talk to them about ... sex. Talk to us about sex before we have sex so we know more about sex when we have the sex. Please mom and dad, tell us about sex. Blah, blah, blah. Sex, sex, sex. I know the spot was only 30 seconds long but it felt like a year. We sat, frozen, taking in this important message, not daring to acknowledge that it was talking to us about... sex. Dirty, freaky, life-giving, disease-spreading, putting his you-know-what in her you-know-where sex, sex, SEX!

So I did what any courageous, loving father would do. I took a deep breath. I muted the TV. I turned to face her. The slight bemusement drained from her face leaving only stark fear. "Charlotte..." I began, as she opened her mouth in a silent scream of horror, "I understand that throughout your life you may want to discuss certain subjects with certain people, and I know that I will never, ever, ever be the person that you want to discuss sex with ... and I'm okay with that."

She breathed a sigh of relief and laughed, "No problem, Dad."

And then we watched more football. We love football.

$30 WINNERS - Clavins 34









$20 WINNERS - Hasselhoff Can Knight Ride My Face 33









$10 WINNERS - Eddie's Getting Married Saturday, So He Needs the Pitcher Now 32 (tie break winner)









Yankees Suck! 20
Two Asians, An Arab, and An Immigration Office 14
The Blackwater Memo: It's Killer Time 32 (tie break loser)
Poor-o At The Quiz House 25
Tip Your Fucking Server 29
Verno Whitney 24
Bronson Pinchot 20
PETA Stole Britney's Rabbit 23
Team A 20
Dude, Where's Our School Bus? 23
Pull The Fucking Parachute Cord, People 32 (tie break loser)
Isiah Thomas's Sexual Advances! 23
Yankees Can't Handle Ants In Their Pants 22
Joanie Loves Trivia 28
J 20

$30 WINNER - Clavins 33 (tie break winner)










$20 WINNER - She's No Tyson But You Can See Her Box 33 (tie break loser)









$10 WINNER - The Drawbridge Is Rusty But It Still Goes Down 32










Backdoor = No Babies 20
She Did Alien & Predator 25
KY + 88 Is The New 28 22
Your Daddy Got Her For A Dollar 12
She Had More British Troops Pulled Out of Her Than Iraq 29
Mommy, Rebecca Stole My Vibrator 28
The Third & Fourth Most Visited Mountains: On Becca's Sister's Chest 27
She Prefers Spit To Lube 24
Bust A Nut In Her Butt 19
Sister on Sister on Quizzomaster on Alexander Hamilton 16
Nicest! Sister! Ever! 13
Hey You, I Pulled Out . . . Psych 15
Twice the Whips, Twice the Chains, Twice the Fantasies in Neal's Head 23

Young and Old are Different

Ah, the changing of the seasons. You know summer's officially over when all the Griswalds evacuate the city and the newest batch of fresh intern gravy is ladled over The Hill. They come shiny-faced and eager not realizing that the only interns who ever make a mark in this city do so through sex scandals, corruption investigations and mysterious disappearances.

We have nights with new teams, new blood keeps the bar interesting, but usually we have enough vets there to break 'em in. That was the oddest part. We had scads of newbies and scarcely a familiar face. Was there a memo we missed? Perhaps all the kids scared them away? I only say "kids" because they weren't alive when Goonies came out, find a way to spell "pendulum" with a "G" in the middle and a number of them guessed a picture of Eddie Murphy in a space suit (from Pluto Nash) is from 2001: A Space Odyssey. "Omigod, is Quizzo always this hard?!" No, sweetie, just when you're here.

I confess the evening did skew a tad older than usual with a preponderance of classic rock questions. It wasn't meant to be a theme or anything; just sometimes my pre-Quizzo question randomizer is a little off. Speaking of classic rock, I took a flight recently on ATA airlines (crappy but cheap airline; we realized recently though that all airlines are pretty crappy these days, so it makes sense to go as cheap as you can) and in the in-flight magazine they have that page in the back that lists all the radio playlists. And they're all broken down by category: Classical Showcase, Jazz Sensations and the like. And there was the obligatory category cleverly called Oldies but Goodies. Are you ready to feel old? This list not only included Duran Duran, Alanis Morisette and A-Ha, but also Oasis, R.E.M. and Radiohead to name but a few. Again I ask, did we miss a memo? Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to see favorite artists get their songs played (like anyone would actually listen to an in-flight music list when all the world has an iPod product), but I felt a wee offended that songs that came out in the 90's after I graduated from college now qualify as Oldies. Group these under 80's hits or Modern Cheese if you must, but not Oldies. To add insult to musical injury: the tracks they offered were in no way the Goodies. The A-Ha pick wasn't Take on Me, it was The Sun Always Shines on Television and the Duran Duran hit was ... Skin Trade? What the fuck is that? At least pull out some New Moon on Monday or Wild Boys or Save a Prayer or something that makes me say to myself "oh my, that song is an oldie, but you know, it sure is a goodie..." Sheesh. If I had dander, it would be up. It's no wonder all the new kids visiting Quizzo try my rapidly aging patience.

Why back in my day...

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS - Britney & K-Fed: God's Argument for Abortion 32










$20 WINNERS - I Left My Pants At Your Mom's House 31










$10 WINNERS - Clavins










? 13
Anita Hill Intern So I Can Sell My Book, Too 20
Maybe We'll See the Wedding in Night Vision 23
Poor-o at the Quizzo House 26
Marsha Stuck in Her Thumb and Pulled Out Eve's Plum 29
Not Last (Hopefully) 18
Damn Leg Is Mine, Bitch! 26
Anal Bum Cover 24
It's Because I'm Blackwater, Isn't It? 19
Don't Drink the Blackwater 25
Oops . . . I Lost My Kids 19
Late Comers 28


GAME TWO - What would you get Pamela Anderson for a wedding gift?

$30 WINNERS - Long Term Memory 38 (tie break winners)









$20 WINNERS - Clavins 38 (tie break winner-losers)










$10 WINNERS - His & Hers Abortion Kits 38 (tie break losers)









Cipro 33
One Night In Paris 21
Dignity 35
How To Be An Heiress by Paris Hilton 20
Antibiotics 34
Herpes 20
A Tighter Cunt 33
A Fondue Pot 14
Divorce Papers 29
A Third Tittie 28
Hepatitus B 25
Penicillin 25
Hasselhoff's Cock 25