The Tyrrany of Evil Men

"But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me) I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me) She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)"

"It Wasn't Me"
Shaggy (feat. Ricardo Ducent)

It's rare when a tune on my Quizzo iPod mix turns out to be so prescient.

We were there having a real good night of Quizzo. I remembered to bring the questions and the answers, Paul and Abby were having a wonderful send off for their exciting move to exotic and romantic Albania, Paul (different Paul) was celebrating his 39th birthday again, Kait was back to thrill the room as Scorebabe showing off her new long hair (way to go Kait!) and her latest provocative T-shirt; I'm telling you the room was just clicking. My plea for appropriate tipping for the hard working servers was even met with (legitimate!) applause. And you guys came through for Schwartz, Sara and Boone. Keep it up.

When, returning from my much needed trip to the little boys room during the Speed Round I stopped by to see some regulars. Hm, what's S/He Who Shall Not Be Named doing with a PDA? Probably checking the weather report, receiving a text from Mom about their sick Aunt Esther, maybe wiring some money from a bank account to a needy orphanage in Guatemala ... or ... or? What do I see on the screen? "2006 Best Suppo..." Oh snap.

Now for those of you who don't recall the Speed Round there was in fact a question about who won an Oscar in 2006 for Best Supporting Actress and this person, a loooongtime regular to Quizzo (someone who should freaking KNOW better) was looking up an answer. I was stunned. Maybe even a little hurt. It turned out her team already had the right answer written down, but I mean, come on... what the hell? But I didn't make a big deal. I mean, we know each other; we've been playing this game a long time; I didn't make a big deal... I said, smiling, "So what you doing there?" S/He Who Shall Not Be Named froze. What little air was in the bar was instantaneously sucked away. The tension was, shall we say, palpable. Suddenly his/her thumb was doing double time on the backspace key. "Hm?" s/he asked and, taking Shaggy's advice that we'd just heard minutes before, proceeded to give me the "It wasn't me" line. No "Oops, I'm sorry", no blushing, no shame, just straight up denial. DC is really starting to do a number on you guys. "What do you mean? Just checking email! Nope, those words were never typed in." I couldn't believe it. Two days later, I still can't. (BTW, I'm not outing this person as a hermaphrodite, I'm just avoiding giving clues.)

Now, I know none of us is perfect; none of us has never strayed from the path of the righteous man, but come on people, there are not too many rules at Quizzo to follow: Don't yell answers, don't get bent out of shape if we mis-score your team, and don't fucking cheat. I gotta tell you folks, I'm too busy running the game and being master of all things trivial and I don't have the time nor the interest in being your motherfucking babysitter, so stop acting like a member of the Bush administration and have some fucking integrity. And if you have ever cheated and won because of it, I hope the losing teams never hear of it because believe me Quizzo losers are damn scary freaks and they'll rip your lungs out if they think you did them wrong. Here endeth the lesson.

And to the person I caught: I'll pretend you apologized and you pretend I forgave you. Sheesh.

Oh yeah. The game. Lastly, not only did the Clavins come away with nada for the night, but we had a threeway tie for third in the first game and a four-way tie for second in the second. Sorry, but I'm afraid I have no idea which teamnames go with which pictures, but I do have your pictures, so enjoy. Look for the triumphant return of Rebecca next week. Big kiss.


GAME ONE
At Least Vick Didn't Give Those Bitches Herpes 35









$20 WINNERS: Bob Lablaw & the Rural Juror 34










$10 WINNERS









It's Official: Lindsay Lohan Blows 32
Lindsay Lohan: Fully Loaded 32
Lindsay Lohan should stop doing blow and blow Neal 32
Neal Looks Hott in a Suit! 31
Victimized Clavins by Scorebabe's Point Shavin' 29
Finally a Cash Crop that Pays: Dead Farmers 26
Bent Like Beckham: Slightly to the Left 24
Michael Vick's Pet Sematary 24
Took too much Xanax to come up with a name 22
Tammy Faye's Death Mask 21
People Who Have Never Been in my Kitchen 20
Lindsay Lohan's Sobriety Bracelet 20
Poor-O at the quiz House 19
Lindsay's Coke Dealer 17
If my 8 balls could talk: The Lindsay Lohan Story 15
Gonzo or I Can't Recall 15
The Falcons dropped Vick Faster than Lindsay Lohan Drops an 8 Ball 10

GAME TWO (Why are Paul and Abby moving to Albania?)

$30 WINNERS: To Start a Clavin Clan 35










$20 WINNERS










$10 WINNERS










Their Chief Export is Chrome 28
Their Chief Export is Coal 28
Fucking Your Sister is Legal 28
They loved the movie Wag the Dog 28
Because the want to Montenegro 27
I've enough of this bullshit! Fuck the Clavins! 24
The Clavins (deported to Albania) 24
'Cause they directed Chinatown and had sex with a teenager 23
Looking for a Horcrux 23
Macedonia Exceeded Its Nerd Quota 21
Why would you go to Albania? 20
Cheap Underage Hookers 20
Lindsay's New Coke Dealer 19
Looking for Voldemort 19
Because 10 Shots of Raki costs only one Lek 17
Lindsay Lohan's Sobriety Bracelet 13
Because Bush Keeps Hugging My Children 5