What are Three Things that Protect You?

What a lovely return for a Quizzomaster and Scorebabe. You kids sure no how to make us feel welcome. After a week in California visiting family and dancing briefly with dismemberment and death, it felt awfully good to back with our DC family and far less dangerous trivial pursuits.

As I mentioned to the crowd, Rebecca and I spent a little time on a hot California highway avoiding a concrete barrier only to lose control, fly across 4 lanes and hit a 18 wheeler (thank God for that 18th wheel) only to sail back across those same 4 lanes and plow into that same concrete barrier anyway. Never have two non-believers had someone up there like them so much. The rental car, a trusty li'l Pontiac Grand Prix that had been a pain in the ass the whole trip, fell apart in all the right places and held together in all the better places so that Rebecca and I could walk away with a bump on the head (Becca) and an owie on the knuckle (me). This is the only time you'll hear me say this: Hooray for American cars! It was, by far, the scariest thing that ever happened to me and I'm hopeful I never have anything that comes close to comparing to it.

What the pictures don't show well is the right side of the car, the side Becca was on. It is crushed and scraped all the way down that side where we rubbed along the truck. That truck, by the way: barely any damage. Woo Hoo! The pictures also show some of the guys who stopped their cars, jumped out to see if we were okay and call 911. They were awesome. They couldn't believe it when Rebecca and I walked away. A burly guy with tattoos looked at me shaking his head and said "You almost rolled." The tall CEO-type next to him confirmed it: "You should have rolled. "

We were also ultra-lucky that my daughter was not with us but riding a mile or so behind us in my brother's car with her cousins. The kids were a little freaked, but nothing compared to me and Rebecca. Even after we'd filled out the accident report for the CHP and the remains of the Grand Prix were towed off and we were safely crammed into my brother's car rolling safely down the highway, in fact the whole ride home, she and I were both in a daze. About two hours later we were safely at our destination where we were met with good food, good wine and the sweet, warm embrace of my mother. Coming home never felt better.

Three lessons learned: Always wear your seat belts (we did!), always have insurance (we did!), mom's hugs are the best (they are!)

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Of course one of the simple joys of returning home in one piece was getting to see all the regulars down at the Pour House. You guys are still at the mercy of the Clavins, but at least a few of you are starting to nip at their heels a bit. Rumor has it that two of them are about to be shipped off to Albania. We'll see if that weakens them or only makes them stronger...

In addition to familiar faces it's always fun to see new ones. One Quizzo virgin at the bar was enjoying our shtick immensely, basically because it was all new to him. Sucker. At one point, laughing between Rebecca's belch and my use of the word "titular" he exclaimed to his friend "This is so much better than Karaoke!" In all my years of Quizzo hosting, fainter praise has never been expressed. Thank you, young Johnny, we'll see you next week.

By the way, apropos of nothing, if you're looking to invest in a wettening device (and ladies, who isn't?), be sure to check out my friend Chad getting paid to play with squirt guns over at Slate.

See you next week!

GAME ONE

Clavins 30

Lowered Expectations 29

Neal’s Triumphant Return: Unhindered by Outing by DC Madam 29

San Diego Pandas Shoot Blanks 24
Screech’s Giant Member 27
Jenn and Alex: Engaged and of Age 23
Next Time, Senator, Use a Pay Phone 27
Apparently NASCAR Planes Can’t Make Right Turns Either 14
The Weinerdogs 14
Pull Out of Iraq or Use the Rhythm Method 27
Oooh! Life Earth, not Love Birth 28
Prolific Little MFs 19
Vitler’s Diddlers 25
Poor-o at the Quiz House 11
I’m With Stoopid 22
How Many Interns Did the Duck Kill for This Table? 28
Pastafarians 13

GAME TWO (What Neal and Rebecca have left to do in their lives)

Two Chicks at the Same Time 32

To Do the Clavins All at Once 30

Kill the Clavins 30

Discover Neal’s G Spot 26
To Choke on a Pretzel 16
Air Guitar Heroes 9
See the Spicegirls Reunion Tour 25
How About a Freakin’ Rock Already 19
Uncork My Bat 13
Live to See the Clavins Lose 24
God Gave Neal One More Chance to Make an Honest Woman of Rebecca 25
Orgy at the Clavin House 21
So Neal can Finally Tame That Shrew 17