You Can't Handle the Truth

Last week I ran a Quizzo night for a group called called Everybody Wins. Literacy charities that encourage professionals to read once a week with kids? How can you not love that? This gig was specifically for the good people at Lawyers for Literacy to all get together, raise money, get snockered and debate the finer points of Star Wars and The Golden Girls. It was a magical evening.

The only problem with the evening was that, well, they're all lawyers. Now, I like some lawyers. Atticus Finch kicked ass. Ben Matlock was a mensch. And Lisa Nicole Carson's character on Ally McBeal was a stone cold fox who could litigate the pants off anyone (why, oh why was it never me?) But, let's just say most of the crowd didn't fit into those molds. They were more, um, opinionated.

The highlight of the evening was the anarchy at the end when I, and I'm not proud to admit it, when I botched a question. Well, actually the question kicked ass: (Daniel Craig recently became the 6th man to play James Bond on screen, and he's only the second English man to do it, who was the first?) but I mishandled the loophole finders. You see, obviously, from my question I'm referring to the 6 men who played Bond in official Bond movies: Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan and Craig. You've spotted the loophole by now, yes? As we all know, David Niven played James Bond in the original parody version of Casino Royale. Here's where things went off the rails. What I should have done was contacted the three teams that had put down Niven and explained that I wanted to just consider the "official bond movies". I could have done this quietly, quickly, etc. they change their answers and we could have all moved on. Instead I revealed my soft pink underbelly to a room full of 100 lawyers and they laid into me. I was uncharacteristically and stupidly off my game. Then even more stupidly, I begin tap dancing. Poorly. I justified not accepting Niven by saying he didn't play Bond, he was in fact Dutch and a muppet and blah, blah, blah, anything I could think of and it doesn't matter, because it wouldn't have changed the final results anyway... except it would have ... and there was one guy who knew that. Let's call him Mike.

Mike was not upset. He was livid. He was so very, very, very upset that his team did not win first place. Picture the scene: the game was over. People had left or were leaving. Winners had had their photo taken. Mike was still arguing his point to me. Repeatedly. I pointed out that the game was over, this whole thing was for charity, and did he happen to notice that the difference between first place and second place was the different number printed on the plastic trophies that were handed out? Who knows, maybe he had a side bet of $50k riding on this thing, but all I could see were the plastic trophies. Mike said that wasn't the point and proved the strength of his argument by ending with"The point is, you're an idiot."

Oh poor Mike. Look, dude, I'm sorry I screwed up. It happens. But calling people names never solved anything. In hindsight I could have whipped out make up questions, tie breakers, a whole bunch of things, but in my eagerness to get out of there (and I really did think it wasn't going to change the winners of the game), I decided to let it go. I'm sorry you couldn't. But if you're ever near the Pour House on a Tuesday, stop in and I'll buy you a beer. I hope that helps.

And if that's not good enough? Well, Mike, the jerk store called and they're all out of you.

Cheers,
Neal

PS: The evening was written up here by a cool lady from Legal Times named Attila. Fellas, if you ever meet a woman named Attila, don't let her get away.

GAME ONE

$30 Heart Medicine for $500 Alex 29











$20 Clavins 26









$10 Inventors of the Accu-Jac 24










Sub Prime Suspect 21
I'll Take a Massive Coronary for $200 Alex 18
Hillary Clinton's Dirty Panties 19
What is Alex Trebec's Pacemaker? 15
3 Ladies and No Right Answers 10
I'll Take Cardiac Arrest for 1000 16
Iraq me, Dave Petreus 19
The Internet if for Porn 21
Poor O at the Quiz House 13
I'll Take Heart Attacks for $200 18
Chick-Fil-Atio 17
Colorado Christians are Holier Than Thou 23

GAME TWO - Hanukkah Porn

$30 Clavins









Sammy Davis Jr.'s Cock Part 2 31
(Yes, one man, alone beat many teams of many... if only he had friends.)











Yarmulkum Shots: Volume 2 28










I Have a Little Dildo ... 23
Dick Cheese 19
The Bliss of the Mouth Bris 23
Debbie Does Moses25
The Wailing Balls 21
Deborah Does Jerusalem 25
Driedel Bangers and Donkey Punches 19
Long Dong Silverstein 21
Judah Maccabee and the Hanukkah Bush 18
2 Girls, 1 Yarmulke 16
Back Door Dreidels 9 19
Menoral Pleasures 27

December 4th

Due to a deep holiday melancholy, I have nothing to offer here except the winners and losers. Enjoy (sigh) if you can.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS I Wish the Pour House Door Worked 35









$20 WINNERS Mohammed Ruxpin 32










$10 WINNERS So Tell Your Friend Veronica and Smoke your Marijuanica 31 (Tiebreak Winner)









The NIE Leaked Faster Than Ed Asner at a Scary Movie 31
Jason reads Judy Blume 31
Ironic Mustache Rides 50 cents 26
Steven Hawking's Karaoke Machine 26
Sexy Beasts 21
It's Colder Than Ann Coulter's Tit Outside 23
Clavins 28
Drink Your Gin and Tonica and Have a Happy Hanukkah 10
That's Not a Memorial in My Pocket, It's My Big Dreidel 23
Drink Your Gin and Tonica 21
Only 21 More Shopping Days until Alien vs. Predator II 30
Ramrod 7
Did You Know It's Hanukkah? 28
Pour O at the Quiz House 23

GAME TWO - NEW AMERICAN GLADIATOR NAME

$30 WINNERS Chlamydia 31









$20 WINNERS Jism 31










$10 WINNERS Macaca 30










Taint 30
Obama 22
Erection 29
Wintry Mix 24
The Santorum 29
2 Girls, 1 Cup 28
Nitrous Cockside 30
Snoogle Fleejer 28
Clavins 28
Toe Jam 29
Loopy 13
Sean Taylor 29

Dazed and Confused

Weird things are afoot in my neighborhood. Our neighbor's house got broken into, another neighbor was mugged, there was a collision at our corner this weekend (ok, so, this happens all the time...) and there was an unconscious woman on my sidewalk Saturday. Yeah, that was a little different. Our friends Michael and Abby were expected for dinner and when they showed up a little late we were ready to give them a hard time. Best excuse ever for tardiness: "There's an unconscious person on your street, we called 9-1-1." There's a what? Where? What they thought was a big black trash bag on the sidewalk turned out to be a lady and they couldn't wake her up.

My first aid instincts kicked in! [I'm the designated First Aid/Safety Monitor on my floor at work. In four years I've only been called upon twice; once for a bleeding finger which I totally valiantly saved and once for a guy who passed out which I botched horribly. OK, I got the call 911 part right, but that was about it.] So, forgetting my first aid failure at work: my first aid instincts kicked in! What to do? I grabbed a blanket off my daughter's bed (one good enough to warm someone, but kind of small so it will be easy to clean later! I actually thought this...) and rushed outside. The unconscious person was no longer unconscious. I remembered from my training: consciousness for a previously unconscious person is a good thing! But apparently Michael couldn't get her to talk or acknowledge him in any way.

She was sitting up, almost cross-legged with the most dazed expression on a person's face I've ever seen. She was a twenty or thirty-something latina(?), dressed nicely, like to go out, with a buttoned up black coat. With her black hair I could see how she may have looked like a trash bag in the dark. It was pretty cold out, low 40's, it's a really good thing Michael and Abby found her. I wrapped the blanket around her and sat down on the sidewalk facing her. I gripped the blanket on both sides so if she flopped backwards I could hold her up and keep her head from smacking on the bricks. Again, my first aid instincts kicked in! "What's your name?" I asked. "shfege skjd lrtysghssss," she replied. It was clear she thought she was answering me, but nothing remotely coherent came out. I tried to keep her talking even if I couldn't understand her. Consciousness is good! I remembered. "shjkowpj sjhdy akjdg dkjdw," she continued. Was she drunk? Stoned? Assaulted? Crime had been up in the neighborhood. Maybe someone hit her on the head with a tire-iron scrambling her poor little brain. Hm, no blood. Come to think of it, no bag. How often does a woman go out but not carry a bag? Now I'm in some crime drama trying to piece the clues together. The clues that are right in front of everyone, but only I can put them all together.

Finally I ask, "Having you been drinking?" And although I don't know what she says and I don't smell a whiff of alcohol on her, her "sshjdos ak dlkewi" reply clearly is meant to mean "No shit, Sherlock." At this point she indicates her contempt for Michael, who's diligently looking out for the ambulance, by saying "dfgfsoih" and flipping him the bird. She seems to think about it and decides to flip it at me too. Now I feel like we're getting somewhere.

"Hey, I know what that means!" I I laugh and tell her not to worry, we're there to help her and she's going to be okay. Last thing I tried before EMS got there was to ask simpler questions. My initial barrage had been what's your name? what day is it? where are you going? etc, but none of her answers made sense. I realized simpler communication was in order. "Do you live in Washington, DC?" "SYhessh," she told me. Cool. "Do you live on Capitol Hill?" "Yehm." "Do you live on 10th Street (where we were at the time)?" and that's when the professionals rolled up. Just in time because I was running out of questions.

As the sirens and flashing lights approached my befuddled patient grabbed me hard with both hands as if to say "don't let them take me." I was sort of touched that she'd gone from flipping me off to seeing me as some sort of protector. The EMS guys were putting on rubber gloves and asking her much of the same questions I had when Abby found a cell-phone in the pile of dry leaves on the sidewalk. I had one more burst of detective-think "Aha! Her phone! With 2 missed calls! Clearly someone is trying to reach our victim here! In moments we can call them back and get much needed information on her!" But then I looked around. An ambulance, a firetruck and 5 EMS guys had arrived on the scene in less than 6 minutes from the time Michael called 911. I closed the phone and gave it to one of the guys as they moved her to the ambulance. I got to be the First Aid/Safety Monitor for the night. Someone else would have to play detective.


GAME ONE
FIRST PLACE $30:
Old Fart's Heart Gets Jump Start 32









SECOND PLACE $20
A Lotta Resigna 30









THIRD PLACE $10
Hulk Hogan Loses Custody of Right Half of Tank Tops 29










I Shot Sean Taylor 16
Sean Taylor's a Little too Good at Intercepting Projectiles 17
I Heart Tranny Hookers 24
Come On Feel My Pulse 27
Sean Taylor Got Shot? Who Saw That Coming? 25
Arctic Cruise Captains 18
Bills and the Over 24
Clavins 27
The Young and the Breastless 17
Is It Too Early for a Sean Taylor joke? 23
Blowin' me in the Wind 26
Warm Pile of Leftovers 27
The Wide Stance 18
Sean Taylor's Body Guards 20
0 for 10 13

GAME ONE - Ethnically Offensive Magazines
FIRST PLACE $30:
Washington Redskins Weekly









SECOND PLACE $20
Macaca Illustrated










THIRD PLACE $10
Wopular Machanics 29










Pictures: Niggas Can't Read 19
Macaca 22
Round Eye Can't Drive 18
Jewsweek 25
Camel Jockey Racing Form 26
Wetback Weekly 18
Clavins 20
Spics with Sticks: Hispanic Baseball Weekly 14
NY Review of Gooks 14
Ranger Spic 20
Jap Fancy 18
SuckaMacaca 26
Family Circle Jerk 19

Black Tuesday

As usual, the Quizzo of Thanksgiving week was sad and empty. Barely more than a dozen teams and plenty of standing room. I arrived late and still left early. And if you'd been there you could have walked away with a win with fewer than 30 points. Well, granted, we had a lot of tough questions this week that kept the scores low: like what band released the Brown Album in 1997? and in what country do the Tigris and Euphrates originate? and who gave us this line in a 1994 movie: "You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you?" C'mon people, that's your wheelhouse, how do you miss that?

Anyway, despite the small numbers and the challenging game, it was still a fun time for all. So says I. Now I must go cover and store the corn pudding. (I'm not making this up) Happy Slapsgiving!

GAME ONE

First Place ($30) Can't Wait to Get My Hands on Grandma's Yams 33









Second Place ($20) Elbows Deep Turkey Fisters 31








Third Place ($10) Clavins 28









Truffle Shuffle 21
Cash Crop 8
Milk Duds for Jesus 10
The Rumble Strips 17
Touched by an Uncle 13
Stinky McStink Stink 20
The Flying Monkeys 26
Khmer Rouge? Is that a new lipstick? 17
El Fuego 17
The Turkeys the President Didn't Pardon 14
This Thanksgiving a Different Hokie Bird if Getting Stuffed 27

GAME TWO - The Best Part of Lindsay Lohan's 84 Minutes in Prison

First Place ($30) Bangin' on the Floor 27 (Tiebreak Weiners)










Second Place ($20) Finally Not Being the Skankiest Whore on the Block 27










Third Place ($10) Elbow Deep Turkey Fisting 26








Lohan Blows a She-man 22
Snorting Blow from Herbie's Trunk
Firecrotch Resistant Pantsuit 19
Clavins 25
Trading Beaver Shots for Lines of Coke 19
She Got Herpes the Love Bug 18
Jailpony 14
Filmed 3 Shower Scenes for Caged Heat IV 25
Pooping a Cocaine Condom 22

Don't You Forget About Me

Entertainment Weekly's Top 50 High School Movies: This was the halftime show this week and let's face it, it was a tasty one. Obviously, like all of these kinds of lists created by VH1 and TV Guide and whatnot, it means nothing. A panel of editors or readers or whoever was polled to come up with the list and it's meant to provoke conversations and arguments. What do you mean Sixteen Candles is at #49? How could Varsity Blues not make the list? (As we discussed, it didn't because, um, it sucks).

What's really shocking about the list is not the absence of Footloose or the inclusion of Bye, Bye Birdie (oh please), but it's how many of these films I know intimately and truly adore. There are John Hughes' greatest hits including the aforementioned 16 Candles, Pretty in Pink (#26), FBDO (#10, Leisure Rules!) and, of course, The Breakfast Club (#1) and it would be hard to argue supplanting any of the top ten: Dazed and Confused, Heathers, American Graffiti, Clueless, etc. OK, maybe Boyz in da Hood shouldn't be that high, but even though I wouldn't call it a high school movie per se, it is still a fantastic movie. Too bad John Singleton didn't have another great movie in him...

But I want to throw out some quick shout outs to some other movies, the deeper cuts if you will, that you may not be too familiar with. Please add these to your Netflix queue for the next time you want some perfect coming of age flick to sweep you away to the childhood you never had...

#16: LUCAS Little Corey Haim, little Winona Ryder, hell even little Charlie Sheen are all great, great, great in this movie. I defy anyone to watch this thing and not get a lump in your throat when the jock starts the slow clap at the end as Lucas dons his letterman jacket. Oh, did I give that away? No matter. I know it's always coming and it still always gets me. (BTW, don't search for "Lucas" in Google images with the filter turned off unless you want to see lots of gay porn. Who knew?)

#43 STAND AND DELIVER. To hell with Dead Poets Society (#20, Hah!) and Robin Williams' saccharine coated prep schoolmaster. Give me Edward James Olmos as Jaime Escalante and a bunch of kid actors you've never seen before and will never see again (sorry Lou Diamond Phillips) in this gritty, real, heart-warming true story set in the barrios of South L.A. This one still holds up. Fill the hole.

#45 MY BODYGUARD. Probably a little dated now, but the names of Ricky Linderman (Adam Baldwin), Peachy (Chris Makepeace, where'd that kid go?) and Moody (Matt Dillon-scariest bully ever) still bring me back to being 11 and scared to death/fascinated by kids going to school in a City. Sure didn't look like my school, but I recognized the whole hope-I-don't-get-beat-up-today vibe that permeates the movie. Let's just say it spoke to me. Look for a young, horrifically awkward Joan Cusack.

#46 FLIRTING. You haven't seen this one. That's okay. SEE IT. The box art tries to play up Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts, who are good of course, but it's all about Noah Taylor and Thandie Newton who are charming and sweet and lovely as teenagers discovering first love and first sex in the repressive atmosphere of an Australian boarding school. Trust me. You will love this movie. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

#31/#48 Billy Zabka. OK, maybe Dillon's bully scared me, but Zabka's bullies kick ass. His fine work in The Karate Kid and Just One of the Guys (not to mention Back to School, not eligible for this list) deserves special mention. The guy's a legend. And he directed this music video for a song called "Sweep the Leg" that is sublime in its pop and pop culture deliciousness. Treat yourself. Now. It is so worth the brain calories.


GAME ONE
C'mon Take the Uniform Off - I Just Want to Cuddle 37









Bhutto's in the Home - Where She Belongs! 33 (Tiebreak winners)









The Other Four Limbs 33










Hilary's Campiagn Planted Tonight's Quizzo Questions 14
Predatory Leaders 31
The Whiskey Dicks 24
Balls Deep 28
No Talent ass Clowns 21
Clavins 28
Wu Tang Financial 30
Our Money is on Britney in the Speed Round 30
Benazir in the Bhutto 21
OJ's Alibi 18
Drunk Dorks 23
Trivia? We're Here to Meet Kucinich's Hot Wife 30
Flying Monkeys 27
The Spider Pigs 19
Kanye's Mom is so Ugly... 29



GAME TWO - HIGH SCHOOL THEMED PORN

Back to the Pooper 32










Splendor in the Ass (Schwartz') 31










Pretty Deep in Pink 30










My Bodyguard's Cock 27
Splendor in the Ass 24
Flute my Pussy, Bitch 17
Hairy Twatter 16
Study Hard: Gotta Get Into College Girls 18
Every Porno I Have is About High School Kids 17
Grease 15
Clueless, Ass If 15
Debbie Does Long Division 17
Clavins 27
Kneel and Deliver 24
Fast Times at - oh, sorry babe 23
Fiday Night red Light 26
Penis and Vagina 16
Varsity Blue Balls 21

Catching Up At Last

For the first time in blog history, we will skip an entry. Here's the thing - October 30 is a blur (literally, in the case of the pictures). Beer was consumed. Silly hats were worn. Good times. Enough said.

Eric, who filled in for us last week while Neal was working and I was ailing, has kindly summarized his experience below. Many thanks to Eric and Bettina for keeping things going in our absence. Go Team Fo!

See you kids tonight at the Pour House.

***
It's a long and boring story how I came to host Quizzo, but hey, I've got nothing better to do... Originally, our multi-talented scorebabe Rebecca was on tap to step in for Neal, and our winsome coworker was set to act as replacement scorebabe. It would've been good times. (see Fig. 1, Topless Pillow Fight) Unfortunately for everyone, Rebecca was laid low by illness caught on the frozen steppes of Miami, Florida, and a new Quizzo Master was needed. I was tending my plow on a farm in Tuscany when the Racioppo legation approached bearing the laurel wreath of the Imperator Quizzonis. I would assume command of the campaign against the hordes of Capitol Hill, as long as I returned to my bar stool once it was over. After a moment of stoic contemplation, I accepted with a heavy heart.

Heh. Who am I kidding, I was pumped.

So yeah, there was indeed a vast barbarian horde of trivia-goers, and most of you actually stayed to the end. You have my thanks, because keeping this game moving, while getting everyone's score and team name correct, is a little tough. It also doesn't help when Neal gives me incorrect answers. On purpose. Jerk.

There were an inordinate number of tie scores in this game. I've since lost the tiebreaker results, so I'll trust you guys to remember if you won or not. Thanks everyone, for a pleasant emceeing experience!

I almost forgot to thank my winsome scorebabe for the evening, Bettina, who took the job despite my burgeoning megalomania.

GAME 1:
We Have No Name Because Our Writers Are on Strike - 25
Bettina's Half-Assed Bitches - 24
By the Many Arms of Baby Vishnu! - 17
Lowered Expectations - 30
Britney's Legal Team - 12
The Writer Who Normally Chooses Our Team Name is on Strike - 36 (1st place in Quizzo and awkwardly-phrased team name)
Just the Tip - 25
Peter Nincompoop 2K7 - 9
Tip Your Waiter, You Cheap Bastards - 26
Only Pakistan Needs Democracy - 20
Beancounterz - 24
Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber - 29
Shakespeare is Overrated - 30
Good Guys, Hot Girls, Hotter Bouncers - 29
[Intentionally Left Blank, Writers on Strike] - 30
Our 8-legged Babies - 23
Soul Ponies - 14

GAME 2 (What is Neal doing that's so important instead of hosting Quizzo?)
Scorebabe and Sister - 28
Wondering Why You Wait So Fucking Long Between Rounds - 6 [Bite me - ed.]
Peter Nincompoop 2k7 - 16
Hello, My Name Is... - 11
Lovin' Labia's Lost - 28
Teabagging Avery Brooks - 28
Nailing Scorebabe's Sister - 30 (1st)
Taking in More Seamen than the Naval Yard - 30
Trying to Get a Real Job - 28
Waterboarding the Other Scorebabe - 28
Your Mom - 22
Beancounterz - 21
Fluffing Chuck Norris - 26
Pimping Marlowe to the Idealist for $10 - 24
Better Late than Pregnant - 4

Battle of the Nerds

It may be hard to believe, but sometimes outside groups pay to have Neal and me all to themselves. On October 24, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's alumni group hosted a trivia night for RPI and other tech school alums, so we tarted ourselves up and headed over to Gordon Biersch with some of our best extra geeky questions. It was great fun watching a bunch of tech school types have it dawn on them that the answer to the infamous Star Wars question is simply pi. Of course, they felt the need to write it out past the thousandths spot. Nerds!

Seriously though, it was a fun gig. Thanks for having us, guys!

RPI - Larry Craig's Tapdancers 27









Where's the Beer? 27












Gordon Biersch Meet Gordon Ramsay 26









Smarter Than Bush & Better Shot Than Dick 25
Topers 22
Chairman of the Board 19
Nothing Beats Rock 25

Dumbledore's Army - Don't Ask, Don't Tell

October 23, 2007. Fires ravaged California, and the world was still reeling from Dumbledore's outing. Is it me or does this seem way longer ago than two weeks?

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS - It's Not Genocide If They're Saying No In Your Language 29

$20 WINNERS - Idiots On the Nerd Patrol 27 (tie break winners)









$10 WINNERS - Jen & Eddie Are Hitched! 27 (tie break winner-losers)

Dumble-in-the-back-door 27 (tie break losers)
Wal-mart Security 23
Oppo 20
Clavins 26
Kid Rock Should Have Gone to Chatskis [sic] 25
Bad Parents 11
Pat Robertson Says South Beach Is Next 25
BIRD 16
Forecast Calls for Golden Showers 15
I'm Gone for Three Years, And the Clavins Are Still Here 23
Pinky & the Brains-ah 18
Malibu Fire Department Only Uses Cristal 21
Baby Cheetahs 17
Maliburn Beach 21
Chuck Norris Doesn't Vote for President 20

GAME TWO (next fictional character to be outed)

$30 WINNERS - Jesus 31









$20 WINNERS - Captain Morgan 30 (tie break winners)









$10 WINNERS - The Beloved Prophet Muhammad 30 (tie break losers)









Clavins 26
Winnie-the-Pooh 21
Frodo Baggins 15
Moby Dick in a Box 23
Frodo Baggins: Ring Bearer, Ass Plunger 19
E.T. . . . ouch! 14
Snuffle-suck-agus 21
G.I. Joe (to get out of Iraq) 13
Walker Texas Ranger
Frodo Bags Hims 21
Stuart Not-So Little 22
Dildo Faggins 27
Dick Cheney 8

The best part of October 23 was that my college friends were visiting. We used to play Quizzo at New Deck in Philadelphia back in the day. Good times. Here I am with three Van Dorpes and a Welfer, some of whom have trouble keeping their eyes open.