You Can't Handle the Truth

Last week I ran a Quizzo night for a group called called Everybody Wins. Literacy charities that encourage professionals to read once a week with kids? How can you not love that? This gig was specifically for the good people at Lawyers for Literacy to all get together, raise money, get snockered and debate the finer points of Star Wars and The Golden Girls. It was a magical evening.

The only problem with the evening was that, well, they're all lawyers. Now, I like some lawyers. Atticus Finch kicked ass. Ben Matlock was a mensch. And Lisa Nicole Carson's character on Ally McBeal was a stone cold fox who could litigate the pants off anyone (why, oh why was it never me?) But, let's just say most of the crowd didn't fit into those molds. They were more, um, opinionated.

The highlight of the evening was the anarchy at the end when I, and I'm not proud to admit it, when I botched a question. Well, actually the question kicked ass: (Daniel Craig recently became the 6th man to play James Bond on screen, and he's only the second English man to do it, who was the first?) but I mishandled the loophole finders. You see, obviously, from my question I'm referring to the 6 men who played Bond in official Bond movies: Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan and Craig. You've spotted the loophole by now, yes? As we all know, David Niven played James Bond in the original parody version of Casino Royale. Here's where things went off the rails. What I should have done was contacted the three teams that had put down Niven and explained that I wanted to just consider the "official bond movies". I could have done this quietly, quickly, etc. they change their answers and we could have all moved on. Instead I revealed my soft pink underbelly to a room full of 100 lawyers and they laid into me. I was uncharacteristically and stupidly off my game. Then even more stupidly, I begin tap dancing. Poorly. I justified not accepting Niven by saying he didn't play Bond, he was in fact Dutch and a muppet and blah, blah, blah, anything I could think of and it doesn't matter, because it wouldn't have changed the final results anyway... except it would have ... and there was one guy who knew that. Let's call him Mike.

Mike was not upset. He was livid. He was so very, very, very upset that his team did not win first place. Picture the scene: the game was over. People had left or were leaving. Winners had had their photo taken. Mike was still arguing his point to me. Repeatedly. I pointed out that the game was over, this whole thing was for charity, and did he happen to notice that the difference between first place and second place was the different number printed on the plastic trophies that were handed out? Who knows, maybe he had a side bet of $50k riding on this thing, but all I could see were the plastic trophies. Mike said that wasn't the point and proved the strength of his argument by ending with"The point is, you're an idiot."

Oh poor Mike. Look, dude, I'm sorry I screwed up. It happens. But calling people names never solved anything. In hindsight I could have whipped out make up questions, tie breakers, a whole bunch of things, but in my eagerness to get out of there (and I really did think it wasn't going to change the winners of the game), I decided to let it go. I'm sorry you couldn't. But if you're ever near the Pour House on a Tuesday, stop in and I'll buy you a beer. I hope that helps.

And if that's not good enough? Well, Mike, the jerk store called and they're all out of you.

Cheers,
Neal

PS: The evening was written up here by a cool lady from Legal Times named Attila. Fellas, if you ever meet a woman named Attila, don't let her get away.

GAME ONE

$30 Heart Medicine for $500 Alex 29











$20 Clavins 26









$10 Inventors of the Accu-Jac 24










Sub Prime Suspect 21
I'll Take a Massive Coronary for $200 Alex 18
Hillary Clinton's Dirty Panties 19
What is Alex Trebec's Pacemaker? 15
3 Ladies and No Right Answers 10
I'll Take Cardiac Arrest for 1000 16
Iraq me, Dave Petreus 19
The Internet if for Porn 21
Poor O at the Quiz House 13
I'll Take Heart Attacks for $200 18
Chick-Fil-Atio 17
Colorado Christians are Holier Than Thou 23

GAME TWO - Hanukkah Porn

$30 Clavins









Sammy Davis Jr.'s Cock Part 2 31
(Yes, one man, alone beat many teams of many... if only he had friends.)











Yarmulkum Shots: Volume 2 28










I Have a Little Dildo ... 23
Dick Cheese 19
The Bliss of the Mouth Bris 23
Debbie Does Moses25
The Wailing Balls 21
Deborah Does Jerusalem 25
Driedel Bangers and Donkey Punches 19
Long Dong Silverstein 21
Judah Maccabee and the Hanukkah Bush 18
2 Girls, 1 Yarmulke 16
Back Door Dreidels 9 19
Menoral Pleasures 27