The Tyrrany of Evil Men

"But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me) I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me) She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)"

"It Wasn't Me"
Shaggy (feat. Ricardo Ducent)

It's rare when a tune on my Quizzo iPod mix turns out to be so prescient.

We were there having a real good night of Quizzo. I remembered to bring the questions and the answers, Paul and Abby were having a wonderful send off for their exciting move to exotic and romantic Albania, Paul (different Paul) was celebrating his 39th birthday again, Kait was back to thrill the room as Scorebabe showing off her new long hair (way to go Kait!) and her latest provocative T-shirt; I'm telling you the room was just clicking. My plea for appropriate tipping for the hard working servers was even met with (legitimate!) applause. And you guys came through for Schwartz, Sara and Boone. Keep it up.

When, returning from my much needed trip to the little boys room during the Speed Round I stopped by to see some regulars. Hm, what's S/He Who Shall Not Be Named doing with a PDA? Probably checking the weather report, receiving a text from Mom about their sick Aunt Esther, maybe wiring some money from a bank account to a needy orphanage in Guatemala ... or ... or? What do I see on the screen? "2006 Best Suppo..." Oh snap.

Now for those of you who don't recall the Speed Round there was in fact a question about who won an Oscar in 2006 for Best Supporting Actress and this person, a loooongtime regular to Quizzo (someone who should freaking KNOW better) was looking up an answer. I was stunned. Maybe even a little hurt. It turned out her team already had the right answer written down, but I mean, come on... what the hell? But I didn't make a big deal. I mean, we know each other; we've been playing this game a long time; I didn't make a big deal... I said, smiling, "So what you doing there?" S/He Who Shall Not Be Named froze. What little air was in the bar was instantaneously sucked away. The tension was, shall we say, palpable. Suddenly his/her thumb was doing double time on the backspace key. "Hm?" s/he asked and, taking Shaggy's advice that we'd just heard minutes before, proceeded to give me the "It wasn't me" line. No "Oops, I'm sorry", no blushing, no shame, just straight up denial. DC is really starting to do a number on you guys. "What do you mean? Just checking email! Nope, those words were never typed in." I couldn't believe it. Two days later, I still can't. (BTW, I'm not outing this person as a hermaphrodite, I'm just avoiding giving clues.)

Now, I know none of us is perfect; none of us has never strayed from the path of the righteous man, but come on people, there are not too many rules at Quizzo to follow: Don't yell answers, don't get bent out of shape if we mis-score your team, and don't fucking cheat. I gotta tell you folks, I'm too busy running the game and being master of all things trivial and I don't have the time nor the interest in being your motherfucking babysitter, so stop acting like a member of the Bush administration and have some fucking integrity. And if you have ever cheated and won because of it, I hope the losing teams never hear of it because believe me Quizzo losers are damn scary freaks and they'll rip your lungs out if they think you did them wrong. Here endeth the lesson.

And to the person I caught: I'll pretend you apologized and you pretend I forgave you. Sheesh.

Oh yeah. The game. Lastly, not only did the Clavins come away with nada for the night, but we had a threeway tie for third in the first game and a four-way tie for second in the second. Sorry, but I'm afraid I have no idea which teamnames go with which pictures, but I do have your pictures, so enjoy. Look for the triumphant return of Rebecca next week. Big kiss.


GAME ONE
At Least Vick Didn't Give Those Bitches Herpes 35









$20 WINNERS: Bob Lablaw & the Rural Juror 34










$10 WINNERS









It's Official: Lindsay Lohan Blows 32
Lindsay Lohan: Fully Loaded 32
Lindsay Lohan should stop doing blow and blow Neal 32
Neal Looks Hott in a Suit! 31
Victimized Clavins by Scorebabe's Point Shavin' 29
Finally a Cash Crop that Pays: Dead Farmers 26
Bent Like Beckham: Slightly to the Left 24
Michael Vick's Pet Sematary 24
Took too much Xanax to come up with a name 22
Tammy Faye's Death Mask 21
People Who Have Never Been in my Kitchen 20
Lindsay Lohan's Sobriety Bracelet 20
Poor-O at the quiz House 19
Lindsay's Coke Dealer 17
If my 8 balls could talk: The Lindsay Lohan Story 15
Gonzo or I Can't Recall 15
The Falcons dropped Vick Faster than Lindsay Lohan Drops an 8 Ball 10

GAME TWO (Why are Paul and Abby moving to Albania?)

$30 WINNERS: To Start a Clavin Clan 35










$20 WINNERS










$10 WINNERS










Their Chief Export is Chrome 28
Their Chief Export is Coal 28
Fucking Your Sister is Legal 28
They loved the movie Wag the Dog 28
Because the want to Montenegro 27
I've enough of this bullshit! Fuck the Clavins! 24
The Clavins (deported to Albania) 24
'Cause they directed Chinatown and had sex with a teenager 23
Looking for a Horcrux 23
Macedonia Exceeded Its Nerd Quota 21
Why would you go to Albania? 20
Cheap Underage Hookers 20
Lindsay's New Coke Dealer 19
Looking for Voldemort 19
Because 10 Shots of Raki costs only one Lek 17
Lindsay Lohan's Sobriety Bracelet 13
Because Bush Keeps Hugging My Children 5

Harry Potter and the Quizzo Virgin

It’s not often that I get to announcing “Game One! Round One! Question number one …” before realizing that I don’t actually have my questions with me, but that’s what happened this week. Oops. Luckily, the questions did exist, they had been prepared ... they just didn’t get into my European carry-all before I left work. So quick like a bunny I rushed to work and back before most people could finish their first drink. I’d like to say I nonchalantly strolled, but I didn’t. I did some high-energy, white man power-walking with occasional bursts of what can only be called trotting. (And believe me, I know a case of the bursting trots when I see it.)

Now, I’d love to say that I’ve never forgotten to bring the questions before and that it will never happen again, but like an abusive husband from a made-for-Lifetime movie, we all know that that just ain’t so. But you know, every now and again I have to remind you all that I am, in fact, human.

Speaking of humans, Rebecca the Scorebabe was out (again!) are was ably replaced by the original Scorebabe: Joy. She handled all the finer points of the gig which includes juggling the complex tasks of adding, drinking and letting boys flirt with her all at the same time. Unfortunately, technology failed her (and the rest of us) by not allowing any pictures taken that evening to come out. Trust me, it’s not Joy’s fault. I just spent two hours just trying to get the pictures out of the piece of shite. It’s not a happy camera. Luckily, I just happen to have some file photos that will suffice. I'm sure Joy won't mind.

No pictures means we will also not have a visual representation of The Tortellis who beat The Clavins in the second game. Of course, those of us who were there know how they managed to do it: The Tortellis were in fact, half the Clavins. You see the Clavins and their subsidiary players had grow to an obscene size by the end of the first game so they wisely split forces to compete against one another and attempt to take home more prize money. I was hoping they’d weaken each other and allow a new team to slip past them both, but it was not to be. Interestingly, the Tortellis was made up of the female team members who capably edged out their brethren and the rest of the room, easily dispatching Hermione Gets Hog-Warts in the tiebreaker. Congratulations ladies. You have boobs and brains. As if we really care about your boobs...

More fun: Not only did we get Felicity to come out to celebrate her 25th birthday (tasty cake!), but a true Quizzo virgin was in our midst. Some poor, bright kid named Patrick chose to have his 21st birthday at Quizzo. I weep for the state of the youth in our country. A very nice touch occured during the Happy Birthday song being sung though: Felicity and Patrick shared a brief but passionate kiss that was totally spontaneous and heartfelt. It could have led to something even more erotic were it not for the fact that Felicity hadn't inadvertently brought her father, Guilliaume. Or wait, is that the guy she's shacking up with?

GAME ONE (File Photos)

$30 WINNERS Clavins 30

$20 WINNERS Shrimp fried rice and d-con, but hold the MSG 29

$10 WINNERS !ONE! 27

This one time at Hogwarts I stuck my wand up my … 22
Neal sets walk of shame record 24
Vitter’s Madam’s Undergarments 12
Hoff 15
Bungee jump for Jesus? I don’t think so Not this time 10
While the republicans … 15
Republicans 4 Voldemort 22
It’s Felicity’s birthday (spankings to come later) 17
Cho Chang? nah, horse’s wang 16
We thought Neal only prematurely ejaculated when Rebecca was in town 21
Liquid Knowledge 7
Check out my snake bite 17

GAME TWO (Surprise ending of HP and the Deathly Hollows)

$30 WINNERS The Tortelli’s 31

$20 WINNERS Hermione gets Hog-Warts 31

$10 WINNERS Clavinz 29

Brokeback Castle: Ron and Harry 28
Harry Does Paris 17
Harry is Kaiser Soze 20
Alohamorah! Hermione’s not a Virgin 14
Hermione is a Man, Baby! 28
!one! 18
Harry P. Finds God (F@#$!ing Pagan) 25
Terri Schiavo: Unplugged 18
Harry P. Stands Naked in Front of a Horse and is Well Hung 21
Snape Kills Voldemort 23
Harry and Ron Marry 14
Hermione is a Boy 12
Harry Dies from Poop Water 6

What are Three Things that Protect You?

What a lovely return for a Quizzomaster and Scorebabe. You kids sure no how to make us feel welcome. After a week in California visiting family and dancing briefly with dismemberment and death, it felt awfully good to back with our DC family and far less dangerous trivial pursuits.

As I mentioned to the crowd, Rebecca and I spent a little time on a hot California highway avoiding a concrete barrier only to lose control, fly across 4 lanes and hit a 18 wheeler (thank God for that 18th wheel) only to sail back across those same 4 lanes and plow into that same concrete barrier anyway. Never have two non-believers had someone up there like them so much. The rental car, a trusty li'l Pontiac Grand Prix that had been a pain in the ass the whole trip, fell apart in all the right places and held together in all the better places so that Rebecca and I could walk away with a bump on the head (Becca) and an owie on the knuckle (me). This is the only time you'll hear me say this: Hooray for American cars! It was, by far, the scariest thing that ever happened to me and I'm hopeful I never have anything that comes close to comparing to it.

What the pictures don't show well is the right side of the car, the side Becca was on. It is crushed and scraped all the way down that side where we rubbed along the truck. That truck, by the way: barely any damage. Woo Hoo! The pictures also show some of the guys who stopped their cars, jumped out to see if we were okay and call 911. They were awesome. They couldn't believe it when Rebecca and I walked away. A burly guy with tattoos looked at me shaking his head and said "You almost rolled." The tall CEO-type next to him confirmed it: "You should have rolled. "

We were also ultra-lucky that my daughter was not with us but riding a mile or so behind us in my brother's car with her cousins. The kids were a little freaked, but nothing compared to me and Rebecca. Even after we'd filled out the accident report for the CHP and the remains of the Grand Prix were towed off and we were safely crammed into my brother's car rolling safely down the highway, in fact the whole ride home, she and I were both in a daze. About two hours later we were safely at our destination where we were met with good food, good wine and the sweet, warm embrace of my mother. Coming home never felt better.

Three lessons learned: Always wear your seat belts (we did!), always have insurance (we did!), mom's hugs are the best (they are!)

______________________________________________

Of course one of the simple joys of returning home in one piece was getting to see all the regulars down at the Pour House. You guys are still at the mercy of the Clavins, but at least a few of you are starting to nip at their heels a bit. Rumor has it that two of them are about to be shipped off to Albania. We'll see if that weakens them or only makes them stronger...

In addition to familiar faces it's always fun to see new ones. One Quizzo virgin at the bar was enjoying our shtick immensely, basically because it was all new to him. Sucker. At one point, laughing between Rebecca's belch and my use of the word "titular" he exclaimed to his friend "This is so much better than Karaoke!" In all my years of Quizzo hosting, fainter praise has never been expressed. Thank you, young Johnny, we'll see you next week.

By the way, apropos of nothing, if you're looking to invest in a wettening device (and ladies, who isn't?), be sure to check out my friend Chad getting paid to play with squirt guns over at Slate.

See you next week!

GAME ONE

Clavins 30

Lowered Expectations 29

Neal’s Triumphant Return: Unhindered by Outing by DC Madam 29

San Diego Pandas Shoot Blanks 24
Screech’s Giant Member 27
Jenn and Alex: Engaged and of Age 23
Next Time, Senator, Use a Pay Phone 27
Apparently NASCAR Planes Can’t Make Right Turns Either 14
The Weinerdogs 14
Pull Out of Iraq or Use the Rhythm Method 27
Oooh! Life Earth, not Love Birth 28
Prolific Little MFs 19
Vitler’s Diddlers 25
Poor-o at the Quiz House 11
I’m With Stoopid 22
How Many Interns Did the Duck Kill for This Table? 28
Pastafarians 13

GAME TWO (What Neal and Rebecca have left to do in their lives)

Two Chicks at the Same Time 32

To Do the Clavins All at Once 30

Kill the Clavins 30

Discover Neal’s G Spot 26
To Choke on a Pretzel 16
Air Guitar Heroes 9
See the Spicegirls Reunion Tour 25
How About a Freakin’ Rock Already 19
Uncork My Bat 13
Live to See the Clavins Lose 24
God Gave Neal One More Chance to Make an Honest Woman of Rebecca 25
Orgy at the Clavin House 21
So Neal can Finally Tame That Shrew 17

Way Back Machine

Sorry, Sherman. I know, you're expecting a post about last night, but when I allow someone to sub for me, I allow them to sub all the way. That's right, you guest-host, you guest-blog. We go back in time to a kinder, gentler time when things were oh so much simpler and we were all oh so innocent. That time? Last Tuesday. Jerry and Grace filled in for me and Becca and they did a stellar job. Or so Jerry keeps telling me. Truthfully, anyone willing to deal with the obnoxious louts (that's right, louts) at Quizzo deserves all our admiration. Except from the louts, I guess, because they're all so ... loutish.

I would have posted this sooner, but I had some technical difficulties from my remote location that hampered me considerably. And I hate being hampered.

Incidentally, in addition to guest-hosting Quizzo, and his day job which I believe involves knowing a great many things, Jerry occasionally writes for Politico. Here's his latest. He sure writes words good. Here's his post:

Subbing for Neal

When Neal asks you to sub as Quizzomaster, it’s like being asked to replace Jordan on the Bulls. Like being asked to replace Cheney as torturer in chief.

You can’t say no.

So I didn’t. I had a blast. Having hosted my own game, Headgames, for several months in 2005 out in Arlington, I’ve had experience writing questions and hosting. But to host at the Pour House, the House that Neal built, that's sacred ground. Would I be able to stand up to the pressure? Would I be able to make ‘em laugh, and get the right mix of easy, medium, and hard questions?

Most crucially, would I be able to out-burp Rebecca? I didn’t think so. So I brought in the lovely Grace, a Clavin of recent vintage, as my scorebabe. She promised to be good natured about any skanky introductions I chose to give her. And she did a great job, although she did not actually burp once. (Best skanky intro as voted on in a viewer's poll: after the identify the VP speed round, including Nelson Rockefeller, I said “And speaking of dying atop your mistress, here is Grace with your scores.”)

But really, my prime goal was simple: just don’t let the Clavins win it all.

Indeed, defacto head Clavin, Dave, emailed me the moment he found out about my substitute role, to suggest ways that I could avoid having the Clavins win it all. As a sometime Clavin (and, may I add, one of the original founding members, there aren’t many of us left!), I might have been accused of favoritism if the Clavins continued their winning streak on my watch.

Folks, I tried. But I’ve found out the Clavins are like cancerous cells in unsuccessful chemo. You can kill them, but you end up also killing the ones you wanted to live as well. In other words, I could write a round that the Clavins wouldn’t ace. But I couldn’t write one that other teams would ace at the same time.

That was the whole point of the “Next Three Words” song lyrics speed round in the first game. And yeah, the Clavins only got 5 out of 10. But the bastards immediately figured out they were hosed, and turned their sheet in first, getting the bonus point. And nobody else got 6, I don’t think. And one team got zero.

It was that kind of night. The Clavins came in first in both games, and, unusually, also took the halftime show.

Best wrong answer of the night: the song lyric clue was “I know what boys like, I know what guys want, I know what boys like…” The answer was “boys like me”. But you gotta give props to the team that answered “Boys like boys.”

Interesting commentary on the women of DC: I asked what percent of women have EVER faked an orgasm, according to a Prime Time Live survey. Any answer within 10% got points. I don’t know if ANY team got points, because all the answers I saw were above 60%, many of them in the 80s and 90s. Folks, the right answer was 48%. Two possible interpretations: DC ladies who like trivia are big time fakers in bed. Or, they are just more honest than women who answer surveys for Prime Time Live.

A Clavin who will remain nameless suggested that the best answer was “Who Cares?”

The halftime show seemed to be popular. I took the top 30 off the top 100 stand up comedians list by Comedy Central. Initially, it seemed like no team would get anything wrong, but once we got rid of the obvious ones, teams started dropping like flies. Injustice reigned. Roseanne Barr was in the top 10, but Dave Chappelle wasn’t on the list. The highest ranking comedian not to be named by anyone was Woody Allen, at #3. I know about 14 Woody Allen standup routines by heart, so I was very disappointed with the bar. But instead of leaving in disgust, I went on to game two. Because that’s just the kind of giving person I am.

Question controversy of the night: I asked which ONE of these nations has NEVER beaten the French? Britain, Italy, Mexico, Poland, Algeria, Vietnam, Mexico, Sweden?

Britain, Algeria, Vietnam are all obvious. Mexico kicked the Frogs out in the 19th century when they tried to keep Maximillian on the throne. Sweden kicked some French butt in the later Napoleonic wars. And Italy came in the backdoor, late, after Hitler came in the front door in 1940. So that leaves us Poland.

But a team later came up to complain as Grace and I were celebrating the completion of the night by pointing out that the Italians ultimately lost that war. Rocked back on my heels, I almost conceded, but I stuck to my guns. Basically, France SURRENDERED. Yes, in the end, Italy lost, but they didn't lose to the French. The French were out of the war for years. And don�t give me that Free French crap. So there.

All in all, it was great fun to host. Thanks Neal!

GAME ONE WINNERS

$30 winners - The Clavins

$20 winners - Pukesburgh - What's That Smell?

$10 winners - Scooter in the Ass

GAME TWO WINNERS
$30 winners - The Clavins










$20 winners - Rebecca's Cherry Bomb









$10 winners - Dud

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So ... how did you almost die on your vacation?

We opted for the whole totaling our rental car into a semi truck and a concrete median barrier. Lots of laughs. Did you see Unbreakable? Like that, but without the super strength and sensing evil in people wearing orange. Let's just say we used up all our lucky points for like, the next decade.

Can't wait to see you all. Well, most of you.

xoxo
Neal and Rebecca