Harry Potter and the Quizzo Virgin

It’s not often that I get to announcing “Game One! Round One! Question number one …” before realizing that I don’t actually have my questions with me, but that’s what happened this week. Oops. Luckily, the questions did exist, they had been prepared ... they just didn’t get into my European carry-all before I left work. So quick like a bunny I rushed to work and back before most people could finish their first drink. I’d like to say I nonchalantly strolled, but I didn’t. I did some high-energy, white man power-walking with occasional bursts of what can only be called trotting. (And believe me, I know a case of the bursting trots when I see it.)

Now, I’d love to say that I’ve never forgotten to bring the questions before and that it will never happen again, but like an abusive husband from a made-for-Lifetime movie, we all know that that just ain’t so. But you know, every now and again I have to remind you all that I am, in fact, human.

Speaking of humans, Rebecca the Scorebabe was out (again!) are was ably replaced by the original Scorebabe: Joy. She handled all the finer points of the gig which includes juggling the complex tasks of adding, drinking and letting boys flirt with her all at the same time. Unfortunately, technology failed her (and the rest of us) by not allowing any pictures taken that evening to come out. Trust me, it’s not Joy’s fault. I just spent two hours just trying to get the pictures out of the piece of shite. It’s not a happy camera. Luckily, I just happen to have some file photos that will suffice. I'm sure Joy won't mind.

No pictures means we will also not have a visual representation of The Tortellis who beat The Clavins in the second game. Of course, those of us who were there know how they managed to do it: The Tortellis were in fact, half the Clavins. You see the Clavins and their subsidiary players had grow to an obscene size by the end of the first game so they wisely split forces to compete against one another and attempt to take home more prize money. I was hoping they’d weaken each other and allow a new team to slip past them both, but it was not to be. Interestingly, the Tortellis was made up of the female team members who capably edged out their brethren and the rest of the room, easily dispatching Hermione Gets Hog-Warts in the tiebreaker. Congratulations ladies. You have boobs and brains. As if we really care about your boobs...

More fun: Not only did we get Felicity to come out to celebrate her 25th birthday (tasty cake!), but a true Quizzo virgin was in our midst. Some poor, bright kid named Patrick chose to have his 21st birthday at Quizzo. I weep for the state of the youth in our country. A very nice touch occured during the Happy Birthday song being sung though: Felicity and Patrick shared a brief but passionate kiss that was totally spontaneous and heartfelt. It could have led to something even more erotic were it not for the fact that Felicity hadn't inadvertently brought her father, Guilliaume. Or wait, is that the guy she's shacking up with?

GAME ONE (File Photos)

$30 WINNERS Clavins 30

$20 WINNERS Shrimp fried rice and d-con, but hold the MSG 29

$10 WINNERS !ONE! 27

This one time at Hogwarts I stuck my wand up my … 22
Neal sets walk of shame record 24
Vitter’s Madam’s Undergarments 12
Hoff 15
Bungee jump for Jesus? I don’t think so Not this time 10
While the republicans … 15
Republicans 4 Voldemort 22
It’s Felicity’s birthday (spankings to come later) 17
Cho Chang? nah, horse’s wang 16
We thought Neal only prematurely ejaculated when Rebecca was in town 21
Liquid Knowledge 7
Check out my snake bite 17

GAME TWO (Surprise ending of HP and the Deathly Hollows)

$30 WINNERS The Tortelli’s 31

$20 WINNERS Hermione gets Hog-Warts 31

$10 WINNERS Clavinz 29

Brokeback Castle: Ron and Harry 28
Harry Does Paris 17
Harry is Kaiser Soze 20
Alohamorah! Hermione’s not a Virgin 14
Hermione is a Man, Baby! 28
!one! 18
Harry P. Finds God (F@#$!ing Pagan) 25
Terri Schiavo: Unplugged 18
Harry P. Stands Naked in Front of a Horse and is Well Hung 21
Snape Kills Voldemort 23
Harry and Ron Marry 14
Hermione is a Boy 12
Harry Dies from Poop Water 6

Way Back Machine

Sorry, Sherman. I know, you're expecting a post about last night, but when I allow someone to sub for me, I allow them to sub all the way. That's right, you guest-host, you guest-blog. We go back in time to a kinder, gentler time when things were oh so much simpler and we were all oh so innocent. That time? Last Tuesday. Jerry and Grace filled in for me and Becca and they did a stellar job. Or so Jerry keeps telling me. Truthfully, anyone willing to deal with the obnoxious louts (that's right, louts) at Quizzo deserves all our admiration. Except from the louts, I guess, because they're all so ... loutish.

I would have posted this sooner, but I had some technical difficulties from my remote location that hampered me considerably. And I hate being hampered.

Incidentally, in addition to guest-hosting Quizzo, and his day job which I believe involves knowing a great many things, Jerry occasionally writes for Politico. Here's his latest. He sure writes words good. Here's his post:

Subbing for Neal

When Neal asks you to sub as Quizzomaster, it’s like being asked to replace Jordan on the Bulls. Like being asked to replace Cheney as torturer in chief.

You can’t say no.

So I didn’t. I had a blast. Having hosted my own game, Headgames, for several months in 2005 out in Arlington, I’ve had experience writing questions and hosting. But to host at the Pour House, the House that Neal built, that's sacred ground. Would I be able to stand up to the pressure? Would I be able to make ‘em laugh, and get the right mix of easy, medium, and hard questions?

Most crucially, would I be able to out-burp Rebecca? I didn’t think so. So I brought in the lovely Grace, a Clavin of recent vintage, as my scorebabe. She promised to be good natured about any skanky introductions I chose to give her. And she did a great job, although she did not actually burp once. (Best skanky intro as voted on in a viewer's poll: after the identify the VP speed round, including Nelson Rockefeller, I said “And speaking of dying atop your mistress, here is Grace with your scores.”)

But really, my prime goal was simple: just don’t let the Clavins win it all.

Indeed, defacto head Clavin, Dave, emailed me the moment he found out about my substitute role, to suggest ways that I could avoid having the Clavins win it all. As a sometime Clavin (and, may I add, one of the original founding members, there aren’t many of us left!), I might have been accused of favoritism if the Clavins continued their winning streak on my watch.

Folks, I tried. But I’ve found out the Clavins are like cancerous cells in unsuccessful chemo. You can kill them, but you end up also killing the ones you wanted to live as well. In other words, I could write a round that the Clavins wouldn’t ace. But I couldn’t write one that other teams would ace at the same time.

That was the whole point of the “Next Three Words” song lyrics speed round in the first game. And yeah, the Clavins only got 5 out of 10. But the bastards immediately figured out they were hosed, and turned their sheet in first, getting the bonus point. And nobody else got 6, I don’t think. And one team got zero.

It was that kind of night. The Clavins came in first in both games, and, unusually, also took the halftime show.

Best wrong answer of the night: the song lyric clue was “I know what boys like, I know what guys want, I know what boys like…” The answer was “boys like me”. But you gotta give props to the team that answered “Boys like boys.”

Interesting commentary on the women of DC: I asked what percent of women have EVER faked an orgasm, according to a Prime Time Live survey. Any answer within 10% got points. I don’t know if ANY team got points, because all the answers I saw were above 60%, many of them in the 80s and 90s. Folks, the right answer was 48%. Two possible interpretations: DC ladies who like trivia are big time fakers in bed. Or, they are just more honest than women who answer surveys for Prime Time Live.

A Clavin who will remain nameless suggested that the best answer was “Who Cares?”

The halftime show seemed to be popular. I took the top 30 off the top 100 stand up comedians list by Comedy Central. Initially, it seemed like no team would get anything wrong, but once we got rid of the obvious ones, teams started dropping like flies. Injustice reigned. Roseanne Barr was in the top 10, but Dave Chappelle wasn’t on the list. The highest ranking comedian not to be named by anyone was Woody Allen, at #3. I know about 14 Woody Allen standup routines by heart, so I was very disappointed with the bar. But instead of leaving in disgust, I went on to game two. Because that’s just the kind of giving person I am.

Question controversy of the night: I asked which ONE of these nations has NEVER beaten the French? Britain, Italy, Mexico, Poland, Algeria, Vietnam, Mexico, Sweden?

Britain, Algeria, Vietnam are all obvious. Mexico kicked the Frogs out in the 19th century when they tried to keep Maximillian on the throne. Sweden kicked some French butt in the later Napoleonic wars. And Italy came in the backdoor, late, after Hitler came in the front door in 1940. So that leaves us Poland.

But a team later came up to complain as Grace and I were celebrating the completion of the night by pointing out that the Italians ultimately lost that war. Rocked back on my heels, I almost conceded, but I stuck to my guns. Basically, France SURRENDERED. Yes, in the end, Italy lost, but they didn't lose to the French. The French were out of the war for years. And don�t give me that Free French crap. So there.

All in all, it was great fun to host. Thanks Neal!

GAME ONE WINNERS

$30 winners - The Clavins

$20 winners - Pukesburgh - What's That Smell?

$10 winners - Scooter in the Ass

GAME TWO WINNERS
$30 winners - The Clavins










$20 winners - Rebecca's Cherry Bomb









$10 winners - Dud

The Saga of the Clavins

So if you've been to Quizzo anytime over the last five and a half years, you know there's a certain group of folk who tend to rack up impressive scores who go by a simple yet elegant name: The Clavins. Named of course for John Ratzenberger's character from "Cheers", the Clavins are stalwart supporters of Quizzo at the Pour House who have earned nothing but derision, contempt and scorn from the competeing teams, not wholly without reason. There are three main reasons they are the team everybody loves to hate...

First of all, they don't change their name. Many people are long time regulars at Quizzo, but they change their name every week, every game, trying to score that elusive pitcher of free beer for best team name. You could be losing to the same group of people every week and you wouldn't necessarily know it because whatever they're calling themselves this week is never what they called themselves last week. The rest of the bar is filled with ciphers, but not The Clavins; they are constant, they are eternal, they are cold, hard fact. So we all know them (even though the lineup of that "them" can change from week to week), because of the simple immutable law: Branding Works. You hear the same name week after week after week and it sinks in, it sticks, you know who they are. And any week they win you feel that bile rise in your gorge and you can't help but think of Seinfeld and his own nemesis from the post office as you mutter under your breath in a sharp whisper, "Clavins!" (Fun Fact: When I played in Philly the team we ran up against the most was Hello, Newman.)

But of course the main reason you know who they are is, frankly, because they're really quite good at doing that winning at Quizzo thing. They don't win every week (really!), but they sure win a hell of a lot. They'll tell you it's because they come so consistently to play ("80% of success is showing up"), or that, golly, we sure got lucky tonight, but they also have quite the roster of ringers (trivia-geeks) to draw from. I mean, these people really love their trivia. Do you know why I instituted a policy of letting people send me trivia questions? Because the Clavins were already doing it. Constantly. You know why I advertise Quizzo as available for weddings? Because we ran a game at the wedding reception of two Clavins. Do you want to guess where those two Clavins met? Yup. The same bar they're in every Tuesday...

Which brings me to the third and chief reason you people are always gunning for Da Calvinz, that age old reason that has never failed us: Everyone else is doing it. I think the term is Straw Doll. They're a convenient perceived enemy that the whole herd can band together to despise, so you do it. What immigrants and gays are for Republicans, so too The Clavins are for Quizzo (but without the culture or fashion sense). Rarely does the bar join in unison to celebrate a winning team, but jeepers you people sure can pile onto a String-Up-The-Clavins bandwagon right quick when they have good night. But here's the thing I'm going to let you in on, The Clavins feed on that shit. Like that inky goop that killed Tasha Yar they just grow stonger and more tenacious the more you all loathe them. They're like Trivia-Terminators or genital warts, they are relentless and they always come back stronger than before. They have no Achilles heel. Or do they...? (To be continued)