The Saga of the Clavins

So if you've been to Quizzo anytime over the last five and a half years, you know there's a certain group of folk who tend to rack up impressive scores who go by a simple yet elegant name: The Clavins. Named of course for John Ratzenberger's character from "Cheers", the Clavins are stalwart supporters of Quizzo at the Pour House who have earned nothing but derision, contempt and scorn from the competeing teams, not wholly without reason. There are three main reasons they are the team everybody loves to hate...

First of all, they don't change their name. Many people are long time regulars at Quizzo, but they change their name every week, every game, trying to score that elusive pitcher of free beer for best team name. You could be losing to the same group of people every week and you wouldn't necessarily know it because whatever they're calling themselves this week is never what they called themselves last week. The rest of the bar is filled with ciphers, but not The Clavins; they are constant, they are eternal, they are cold, hard fact. So we all know them (even though the lineup of that "them" can change from week to week), because of the simple immutable law: Branding Works. You hear the same name week after week after week and it sinks in, it sticks, you know who they are. And any week they win you feel that bile rise in your gorge and you can't help but think of Seinfeld and his own nemesis from the post office as you mutter under your breath in a sharp whisper, "Clavins!" (Fun Fact: When I played in Philly the team we ran up against the most was Hello, Newman.)

But of course the main reason you know who they are is, frankly, because they're really quite good at doing that winning at Quizzo thing. They don't win every week (really!), but they sure win a hell of a lot. They'll tell you it's because they come so consistently to play ("80% of success is showing up"), or that, golly, we sure got lucky tonight, but they also have quite the roster of ringers (trivia-geeks) to draw from. I mean, these people really love their trivia. Do you know why I instituted a policy of letting people send me trivia questions? Because the Clavins were already doing it. Constantly. You know why I advertise Quizzo as available for weddings? Because we ran a game at the wedding reception of two Clavins. Do you want to guess where those two Clavins met? Yup. The same bar they're in every Tuesday...

Which brings me to the third and chief reason you people are always gunning for Da Calvinz, that age old reason that has never failed us: Everyone else is doing it. I think the term is Straw Doll. They're a convenient perceived enemy that the whole herd can band together to despise, so you do it. What immigrants and gays are for Republicans, so too The Clavins are for Quizzo (but without the culture or fashion sense). Rarely does the bar join in unison to celebrate a winning team, but jeepers you people sure can pile onto a String-Up-The-Clavins bandwagon right quick when they have good night. But here's the thing I'm going to let you in on, The Clavins feed on that shit. Like that inky goop that killed Tasha Yar they just grow stonger and more tenacious the more you all loathe them. They're like Trivia-Terminators or genital warts, they are relentless and they always come back stronger than before. They have no Achilles heel. Or do they...? (To be continued)