Quizzo: Way Back Machine

Sorry, Sherman. I know, you're expecting a post about last night, but when I allow someone to sub for me, I allow them to sub all the way. That's right, you guest-host, you guest-blog. We go back in time to a kinder, gentler time when things were oh so much simpler and we were all oh so innocent. That time? Last Tuesday. Jerry and Grace filled in for me and Becca and they did a stellar job. Or so Jerry keeps telling me. Truthfully, anyone willing to deal with the obnoxious louts (that's right, louts) at Quizzo deserves all our admiration. Except from the louts, I guess, because they're all so ... loutish.

I would have posted this sooner, but I had some technical difficulties from my remote location that hampered me considerably. And I hate being hampered.

Incidentally, in addition to guest-hosting Quizzo, and his day job which I believe involves knowing a great many things, Jerry occasionally writes for Politico. Here's his latest. He sure writes words good. Here's his post:

Subbing for Neal

When Neal asks you to sub as Quizzomaster, it’s like being asked to replace Jordan on the Bulls. Like being asked to replace Cheney as torturer in chief.

You can’t say no.

So I didn’t. I had a blast. Having hosted my own game, Headgames, for several months in 2005 out in Arlington, I’ve had experience writing questions and hosting. But to host at the Pour House, the House that Neal built, that's sacred ground. Would I be able to stand up to the pressure? Would I be able to make ‘em laugh, and get the right mix of easy, medium, and hard questions?

Most crucially, would I be able to out-burp Rebecca? I didn’t think so. So I brought in the lovely Grace, a Clavin of recent vintage, as my scorebabe. She promised to be good natured about any skanky introductions I chose to give her. And she did a great job, although she did not actually burp once. (Best skanky intro as voted on in a viewer's poll: after the identify the VP speed round, including Nelson Rockefeller, I said “And speaking of dying atop your mistress, here is Grace with your scores.”)

But really, my prime goal was simple: just don’t let the Clavins win it all.

Indeed, defacto head Clavin, Dave, emailed me the moment he found out about my substitute role, to suggest ways that I could avoid having the Clavins win it all. As a sometime Clavin (and, may I add, one of the original founding members, there aren’t many of us left!), I might have been accused of favoritism if the Clavins continued their winning streak on my watch.

Folks, I tried. But I’ve found out the Clavins are like cancerous cells in unsuccessful chemo. You can kill them, but you end up also killing the ones you wanted to live as well. In other words, I could write a round that the Clavins wouldn’t ace. But I couldn’t write one that other teams would ace at the same time.

That was the whole point of the “Next Three Words” song lyrics speed round in the first game. And yeah, the Clavins only got 5 out of 10. But the bastards immediately figured out they were hosed, and turned their sheet in first, getting the bonus point. And nobody else got 6, I don’t think. And one team got zero.

It was that kind of night. The Clavins came in first in both games, and, unusually, also took the halftime show.

Best wrong answer of the night: the song lyric clue was “I know what boys like, I know what guys want, I know what boys like…” The answer was “boys like me”. But you gotta give props to the team that answered “Boys like boys.”

Interesting commentary on the women of DC: I asked what percent of women have EVER faked an orgasm, according to a Prime Time Live survey. Any answer within 10% got points. I don’t know if ANY team got points, because all the answers I saw were above 60%, many of them in the 80s and 90s. Folks, the right answer was 48%. Two possible interpretations: DC ladies who like trivia are big time fakers in bed. Or, they are just more honest than women who answer surveys for Prime Time Live.

A Clavin who will remain nameless suggested that the best answer was “Who Cares?”

The halftime show seemed to be popular. I took the top 30 off the top 100 stand up comedians list by Comedy Central. Initially, it seemed like no team would get anything wrong, but once we got rid of the obvious ones, teams started dropping like flies. Injustice reigned. Roseanne Barr was in the top 10, but Dave Chappelle wasn’t on the list. The highest ranking comedian not to be named by anyone was Woody Allen, at #3. I know about 14 Woody Allen standup routines by heart, so I was very disappointed with the bar. But instead of leaving in disgust, I went on to game two. Because that’s just the kind of giving person I am.

Question controversy of the night: I asked which ONE of these nations has NEVER beaten the French? Britain, Italy, Mexico, Poland, Algeria, Vietnam, Mexico, Sweden?

Britain, Algeria, Vietnam are all obvious. Mexico kicked the Frogs out in the 19th century when they tried to keep Maximillian on the throne. Sweden kicked some French butt in the later Napoleonic wars. And Italy came in the backdoor, late, after Hitler came in the front door in 1940. So that leaves us Poland.

But a team later came up to complain as Grace and I were celebrating the completion of the night by pointing out that the Italians ultimately lost that war. Rocked back on my heels, I almost conceded, but I stuck to my guns. Basically, France SURRENDERED. Yes, in the end, Italy lost, but they didn't lose to the French. The French were out of the war for years. And don�t give me that Free French crap. So there.

All in all, it was great fun to host. Thanks Neal!

GAME ONE WINNERS

$30 winners - The Clavins