It Ain't Easy Being Scorebabe

Okay, that isn’t entirely true. Being Scorebabe primarily involves making self-deprecating comments about my (largely fictional) sexual preferences and doing grade school level math while tipsy. And belching. All of these things are, in fact, easy. Still, when my job expands to encompass Quizzomaster duties, the stakes are raised. Considerably.

For all the shit you give him, you love Neal. Hell, I love Neal. Everyone loves Neal. He’s lovable. Hitching my wagon to Neal’s star has been a lesson in humility. My nephew Scott broke my heart one Christmas by greeting me not with “Hey Becca!” but “Where’s Neal?” After years of starring in The Rebecca Show, I’ve been demoted to a supporting role in a charming spin off entitled Neal! And I’m comfortable with that - so much so that when I have to do something like oh, I don’t know, host Quizzo maybe, it’s a bit daunting. I am the Gracie to Neal’s George Burns, and I’m sure Gracie would have freaked out a little if someone had handed her a cigar and pushed her out on stage alone.

Still, I feel Tuesday went well. Not Neal well, but well enough. The vast majority of you are very supportive, and I thank you for it. You really do need to work on the heckler heckling, though. Seriously, when all I’m coming up with is crap like “hey, angry corner girl,” you’ve got to step up.

Before your scores, I must give a shout out to Andy, who is a fantastic co-host (and a great host in his own right). Oh, and Neal is recovering nicely. He should be back next week!

GAME ONE

$30 Winner – Save Ferris/Neal 34

$20 Winner – So We Are Calling Rehab Appendicitis Now? 32

$10 Winner – Clavinz 31

Phil Beats Tiger, Craig Jealous 30
Take Off Your Pants and Jacket 22
Appalachia Rises Again 27
If An Appendectomy Will Help My Looks, Sign Me Up 24
Team At the Bar 20
We’re A Come From Behind Team & That’s the Way Larry Craig Likes It 28
Baby Pony 3.9455 26
No Sex in the Champagne Room, the Men’s Room Is Right Around the Corner 30
Where in the World Is Steve Fossett? 28
Push Push In the Bush 19
Poor-o At the Quiz House 27
MFK 21

GAME TWO (Recovery Advice for Neal)

$30 Winner – Keep a Narrow Stance 33 (tie-break winner)

$20 Winner – Clavins 33 (tie-break loser)

$10 Winner –Blow Jobs Are High in Potassium 31

Team At the Bar 21
Coupla Needles In the Ass 12
Cunnilingus 24
Revenge Is Sweet: Don’t Put Topless Photos of Your Daughter Online 27
Hide Scorebabe’s Strap-on Or Use Extra Lube 21
Don’t Dry Hump Til 10 Days After 25
Baby Pony 3.9455 23
$500 & a Good Night on K Street 24
One Dose of Scorebabe 2x Daily 26
Only Bone Doggie Style 28
Codeine, Codeine, Codeine 30

Harry Potter and the Quizzo Virgin

It’s not often that I get to announcing “Game One! Round One! Question number one …” before realizing that I don’t actually have my questions with me, but that’s what happened this week. Oops. Luckily, the questions did exist, they had been prepared ... they just didn’t get into my European carry-all before I left work. So quick like a bunny I rushed to work and back before most people could finish their first drink. I’d like to say I nonchalantly strolled, but I didn’t. I did some high-energy, white man power-walking with occasional bursts of what can only be called trotting. (And believe me, I know a case of the bursting trots when I see it.)

Now, I’d love to say that I’ve never forgotten to bring the questions before and that it will never happen again, but like an abusive husband from a made-for-Lifetime movie, we all know that that just ain’t so. But you know, every now and again I have to remind you all that I am, in fact, human.

Speaking of humans, Rebecca the Scorebabe was out (again!) are was ably replaced by the original Scorebabe: Joy. She handled all the finer points of the gig which includes juggling the complex tasks of adding, drinking and letting boys flirt with her all at the same time. Unfortunately, technology failed her (and the rest of us) by not allowing any pictures taken that evening to come out. Trust me, it’s not Joy’s fault. I just spent two hours just trying to get the pictures out of the piece of shite. It’s not a happy camera. Luckily, I just happen to have some file photos that will suffice. I'm sure Joy won't mind.

No pictures means we will also not have a visual representation of The Tortellis who beat The Clavins in the second game. Of course, those of us who were there know how they managed to do it: The Tortellis were in fact, half the Clavins. You see the Clavins and their subsidiary players had grow to an obscene size by the end of the first game so they wisely split forces to compete against one another and attempt to take home more prize money. I was hoping they’d weaken each other and allow a new team to slip past them both, but it was not to be. Interestingly, the Tortellis was made up of the female team members who capably edged out their brethren and the rest of the room, easily dispatching Hermione Gets Hog-Warts in the tiebreaker. Congratulations ladies. You have boobs and brains. As if we really care about your boobs...

More fun: Not only did we get Felicity to come out to celebrate her 25th birthday (tasty cake!), but a true Quizzo virgin was in our midst. Some poor, bright kid named Patrick chose to have his 21st birthday at Quizzo. I weep for the state of the youth in our country. A very nice touch occured during the Happy Birthday song being sung though: Felicity and Patrick shared a brief but passionate kiss that was totally spontaneous and heartfelt. It could have led to something even more erotic were it not for the fact that Felicity hadn't inadvertently brought her father, Guilliaume. Or wait, is that the guy she's shacking up with?

GAME ONE (File Photos)

$30 WINNERS Clavins 30

$20 WINNERS Shrimp fried rice and d-con, but hold the MSG 29

$10 WINNERS !ONE! 27

This one time at Hogwarts I stuck my wand up my … 22
Neal sets walk of shame record 24
Vitter’s Madam’s Undergarments 12
Hoff 15
Bungee jump for Jesus? I don’t think so Not this time 10
While the republicans … 15
Republicans 4 Voldemort 22
It’s Felicity’s birthday (spankings to come later) 17
Cho Chang? nah, horse’s wang 16
We thought Neal only prematurely ejaculated when Rebecca was in town 21
Liquid Knowledge 7
Check out my snake bite 17

GAME TWO (Surprise ending of HP and the Deathly Hollows)

$30 WINNERS The Tortelli’s 31

$20 WINNERS Hermione gets Hog-Warts 31

$10 WINNERS Clavinz 29

Brokeback Castle: Ron and Harry 28
Harry Does Paris 17
Harry is Kaiser Soze 20
Alohamorah! Hermione’s not a Virgin 14
Hermione is a Man, Baby! 28
!one! 18
Harry P. Finds God (F@#$!ing Pagan) 25
Terri Schiavo: Unplugged 18
Harry P. Stands Naked in Front of a Horse and is Well Hung 21
Snape Kills Voldemort 23
Harry and Ron Marry 14
Hermione is a Boy 12
Harry Dies from Poop Water 6

Worst Blog Ever

So the same two teams won first and second for both games. What a surprise. The cream keeps rising to the top and the dregs keep losing, but they're also probably getting a whole lot more play...

Things we learned at Quizzo this week:

• Girls still lose their shit when they get to sing along to Spice Girls.
• Boys still lose their shit when they get to air guitar along to Boston.
• Duck's are shy birds. Given the opportunity to chat up a young, single scorebabe (a rare thing at Quizzo), Mr. Duck chose not to use the clumsy ploy his team forced upon him to his advantage by even make eye contact, let alone talking to Miss Vanessa. Silly dude, Becca's come back soon, how many more opportunities will you actually have?
• Susan B. Anthony and Sacajeweah are not the only women on US currency. Damn you commemorative state quarters! But thank you for your contribution to our understanding of the indomitable human spirit, Miss Helen Keller.
• Sarah's back! (Not to mention the rest of her...) After a long studious break Miss Ushuaia Herself graced us with her presence. Unfortunately she didn't study for Quizzo as hard as she'd been studying for the GREs and was steamrolled along with the rest of the folks at the bar.
• Rob knows a lot of very long Oscar winning movies.
• Laila's team doesn't trust her. But can you really blame them?
• When there's no half-time show, there's no half-time show. Quit your belly-aching.
• Clavins tend to attract ringers from other teams when their teams don't show up, thereby building their talent pool. Learn from this children: show up to Quizzo lest your one-time friend becomes your mortal Clavin enemy.
  
• When Neal should be writing his blog he's spending time elsewhere.
  

Remember kids, even though Mommy and Daddy will be away next week, there still will be Quizzo. But be on your best behaviour for our stand-in, The Professor, because if you're not nice we'll hear all about it. The Professor's pretty much a cry baby tattle-tale, you see.

Love you. Mean it.


GAME ONE

The Calvins 30









Hugs for Drugs: The Chris Benoit Story









Camel Clutch









SHRUNKEN BENOIT BALLS 11
CLEVELAND BROWNS ARE BETTER THAN THE STEELERS 16
CAROLINA 8
BONG HITS FOR JESUS 19
PHANTOM OF MY ASSHOLE 21
BEARS DON'T FLY 13
CHOKING THE COMPETITION LIKE CHRIS BENOIT 20
DUCK + NEW SCORE BABE = LOVE 22
NO JEWS? NO SCIENTOLOGISTS? tHAT'S IT, I'M MOVING TO GERMANY 21
DEAD BENOIT BALLS 14
GHOST OF CHRIS BENOIT 20
DICK CHENEY BEFORE CHENEY DICKS YOU 14
LIBERAL REPUBLICANS FOR GORE 12
AIR CONDITIONED NUT SACK COZY 17
STRAIGHT-GAY ALLIANCE 11
NOT ANOTHER PARIS HILTON JOKE 17
OUR PEN IS MELTING 19
POURO AT THE QUIZ HOUSE 20
ACID TABS FOR SATAN 16
WHAT WOULD JESUS BONG? 22
BRING IT 10


GAME TWO (Rejected Ben & Jerry Flavors)

Clavin Crunch









Tiananmen Square Tank Tracks










Peach Fuzz Gobbler 30










CHOCOLATE TURTLE HEAD 29
PARIS HILTON GAVE ME HERPES IN LOCK UP AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT (and teamname) 22
PRALINES AND CREAM ON MY FACE 24
JERRY'S CHERRY BACK HAIR 24
COOKIES AND CREAM IN MY EYE 13
AMY FISHER FOOD 17
RUBBERY TAINT MINT 23
BLOOD ON MY BALLS, SHIT ON MY DICK (people, my mom reads this blog, come on) 29
THAT CAN'T BE A COCK, A COCK IS A 10 INCH CHOCOLATEY THING YOU SUCK ON 19
BACK DOOR BANANA JAMMER 14
MORBIDLY OBESE HUBBY 29
MICHAEL JACKSON'S EVER WHITER CHOCOLOATE 21
VANILLA BALLS AND CHOCOLATE LOGS 21
DOUBLE FUDGE POKER BUST A NUT 26
BEARS FLY IN THE ICE CREAM 23
REESES FECES 28

A Brief History of Scorebabes

Since the dawn of time, man has needed a special, curvy someone to stand next to him and point at things.

From Vanna to Barker's Beauties to Kari freaking Wuhrer on Remote Control, our culture has demanded that dorky game show hosts have someone really hot stand near them and perform menial tasks well beneath their intelligence level (okay, except Carmen Electra on Singled Out, whose total hottiness could not overcome her horrendous co-hosting. It has nothing to do with the fact that she was hired to replace the irreplaceable Jenny McCarthy, she was just so pretty and so very, very, very dumb). Basically, we love soft and pretty, but we really love soft, pretty and smart. I learned this many, many years ago when I started having a corresponding secretary type help me score all the rounds of Quizzo which could help make the game go faster and give me the chance for piss breaks. Originally a silent partner who worked for a free drink or two, the role has developed under Rebecca's watch to a non-silent partner who kills on the mic, is beloved by the crowd and works for a free drink or eight.

Until Rebecca finally succumbed to my ineffable charms and decided to move to DC, I had a variety of wonderful (that's code for curvy) friends and co-workers who helped out: Miss Joy, Sara, Faye... and I've had some awesome subs attempt to fill Becca's shoes when she can't make it: Jackie, Lindsay, Maddy, Ariel, Cherie, Olivia; all have leant their time and skills from time to time. There have also been some intrepid (that's code for curvy and drunk) volunteers from the audience who have abandoned their teams in order to come offer their talents on nights when the scorebabe was unexpectedly engaged elsewhere. And while I'm always appreciative, I usually prefer to send them back to their teams. It's nothing personal, I just don't like them, how they smell or what they're wearing.

So Monday, during the City vs City Trivia Tussle, Rebecca has to work her day job at night. That's right, she will not be there. So I'm faced with the quandry of having potentially a really big crowd, lots of new faces and no kick-ass Scorebabe to help keep them all in line. I confess I haven't exactly been beating the bushes for a replacement. I mean, if I can't have the best Scorebabe of all time on such a big night, what's the point in having some stand-in who'll just be a pale substitute? Plus, I know it's killing her to miss such a big night and I think she'd be a little jealous of someone getting to be there in her place.

So, it's decided. I'm going solo. I've done it before. I'll do it again. It just isn't worth it without Rebecca there. Unless Jenny McCarthy's available. I'm not stupid.