Worst Blog Ever

So the same two teams won first and second for both games. What a surprise. The cream keeps rising to the top and the dregs keep losing, but they're also probably getting a whole lot more play...

Things we learned at Quizzo this week:

• Girls still lose their shit when they get to sing along to Spice Girls.
• Boys still lose their shit when they get to air guitar along to Boston.
• Duck's are shy birds. Given the opportunity to chat up a young, single scorebabe (a rare thing at Quizzo), Mr. Duck chose not to use the clumsy ploy his team forced upon him to his advantage by even make eye contact, let alone talking to Miss Vanessa. Silly dude, Becca's come back soon, how many more opportunities will you actually have?
• Susan B. Anthony and Sacajeweah are not the only women on US currency. Damn you commemorative state quarters! But thank you for your contribution to our understanding of the indomitable human spirit, Miss Helen Keller.
• Sarah's back! (Not to mention the rest of her...) After a long studious break Miss Ushuaia Herself graced us with her presence. Unfortunately she didn't study for Quizzo as hard as she'd been studying for the GREs and was steamrolled along with the rest of the folks at the bar.
• Rob knows a lot of very long Oscar winning movies.
• Laila's team doesn't trust her. But can you really blame them?
• When there's no half-time show, there's no half-time show. Quit your belly-aching.
• Clavins tend to attract ringers from other teams when their teams don't show up, thereby building their talent pool. Learn from this children: show up to Quizzo lest your one-time friend becomes your mortal Clavin enemy.
  
• When Neal should be writing his blog he's spending time elsewhere.
  

Remember kids, even though Mommy and Daddy will be away next week, there still will be Quizzo. But be on your best behaviour for our stand-in, The Professor, because if you're not nice we'll hear all about it. The Professor's pretty much a cry baby tattle-tale, you see.

Love you. Mean it.


GAME ONE

The Calvins 30









Hugs for Drugs: The Chris Benoit Story









Camel Clutch









SHRUNKEN BENOIT BALLS 11
CLEVELAND BROWNS ARE BETTER THAN THE STEELERS 16
CAROLINA 8
BONG HITS FOR JESUS 19
PHANTOM OF MY ASSHOLE 21
BEARS DON'T FLY 13
CHOKING THE COMPETITION LIKE CHRIS BENOIT 20
DUCK + NEW SCORE BABE = LOVE 22
NO JEWS? NO SCIENTOLOGISTS? tHAT'S IT, I'M MOVING TO GERMANY 21
DEAD BENOIT BALLS 14
GHOST OF CHRIS BENOIT 20
DICK CHENEY BEFORE CHENEY DICKS YOU 14
LIBERAL REPUBLICANS FOR GORE 12
AIR CONDITIONED NUT SACK COZY 17
STRAIGHT-GAY ALLIANCE 11
NOT ANOTHER PARIS HILTON JOKE 17
OUR PEN IS MELTING 19
POURO AT THE QUIZ HOUSE 20
ACID TABS FOR SATAN 16
WHAT WOULD JESUS BONG? 22
BRING IT 10


GAME TWO (Rejected Ben & Jerry Flavors)

Clavin Crunch









Tiananmen Square Tank Tracks










Peach Fuzz Gobbler 30










CHOCOLATE TURTLE HEAD 29
PARIS HILTON GAVE ME HERPES IN LOCK UP AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT (and teamname) 22
PRALINES AND CREAM ON MY FACE 24
JERRY'S CHERRY BACK HAIR 24
COOKIES AND CREAM IN MY EYE 13
AMY FISHER FOOD 17
RUBBERY TAINT MINT 23
BLOOD ON MY BALLS, SHIT ON MY DICK (people, my mom reads this blog, come on) 29
THAT CAN'T BE A COCK, A COCK IS A 10 INCH CHOCOLATEY THING YOU SUCK ON 19
BACK DOOR BANANA JAMMER 14
MORBIDLY OBESE HUBBY 29
MICHAEL JACKSON'S EVER WHITER CHOCOLOATE 21
VANILLA BALLS AND CHOCOLATE LOGS 21
DOUBLE FUDGE POKER BUST A NUT 26
BEARS FLY IN THE ICE CREAM 23
REESES FECES 28

Sing for me, Kraus!

Well I don't know about you people, but I had a fun night. It was hot as hot balls, Alexis brought brownies for Emily's birthday and the substitute scorebabe found her sea legs eventually (I think the beer helped) and not only held her own against the rabble, but scored a phone number at the same time. Will she call the number? Will this chance encounter lead to romance? Will there be more phone numbers emailed to me to forward to her based on her picture on this site? Stay tuned to find out!

Yes, whilst the Scorebabe Proper (Rebecca) was home nursing herself back to health after coming down with at least four of the maladies on last week's communicable diseases handout (wipe down those public toilet seats!), scorebabe substitute (Vanessa) amiably did her best to learn the ropes, master the squirrelly sound system and tempermental camera and politely endure Schwartz' awkward advances (the only kind of advance he knows...) And, yes, she was wooed by a Latin lothario with a quick smile and a clever note written on the animation handout. The fact that he wrote it on the picture of the giant clitoris from South Park:Bigger, Longer and Uncut could either be a warning sign or a favorable omen depending on one's point of view... Vanessa may be back as soon as next week when Scorebabe Supreme will be away doing her girlfriendly duty (I said duty) by taking my daughter to see a certain timeless musical that everyone in the world has seen except herself, subjecting them both to some of the most beautifully torturous earworms mankind has ever known. Thanks for taking one for the team, Becca! BTW, I'm proud to say that I saw Phantom in LA with Robert Guillaume, TV's Benson, as the titular character and that fact is totally freaking awesome!!!By the by, neither of us can Quizzo on July 3rd. I'll go through my usual compliment of stand-ins but I make no promises. It's a holiday week, you see. More info as we know it.

So blah, blah, blah, the Clavins won twice (I know you're all itching for me to reveal their Achilles Heel, not yet...), but the really exciting news is team Get Off the Stage took a prize. Becca and I have been rooting for them for weeks ever since they defected from Fado to partake in Pour House Quizzo. This is their first time in the winner's circle and we're delighted they've finally broken through. Woo and hoo. See y'all next week. Be courteous, kind and forgiving.

GAME ONE

Clavins 40

Tim is Duncan his Balls in Lebron's Mouth 32 (tie break winners)










Ben Gay Wrestling Party 32

Nifong Lacrossed Out 29

Snyders of Hangover 29

Gaza Strip Club Under New Management 28

With What Is In These Pants Satisfaction Guaranteed 27

Ocean’s Four 25

Stick the Royal Harry, Willy in the Gaza Strip 25

When the Gay Casbah’s a-Rockin’ Don’t Come a-Knockin’ 24

Poor-o at the Quiz House 24

Clavins Are the Skid Marks on the Underpants of Society 19

I Should’ve Showed Up at 4:30 to Get a Table Like I Said I Would 19

Chris Matthews Stop Staring at Hillary’s Boobs 17

Sucka D 17

Diesel Knowledge 13

The Three Must Getabeers 4

GAME TWO (Great name for all-girl rock band)

The Clavins 35

Get Off the Stage 30

The Landing Strips 27

Ride My Little Pony 26

Clitallica 26

Snyders of Hangover 24

Titties with Ditties 24

Liz Zeppelin 23

Eager Beavers 22

Puss Galore 20

Poor-o at the Quiz House 21

Brownies Without Nuts 21

Josie and the Pussycat Big Valley of the Dolls 19

Twat Wafflers 19

Farewell Mr. Wizard: An Appreciation

A Guestblog from The Scorebabe

Like most kids, I spent much of my childhood wishing I was on various TV shows. Many nights were spent in pleasant dreams of being one of the dancers on Kids Incorporated. I entered the You Can’t Do That on Television annual Slime In religiously, hoping to get the chance to be covered in green goo alongside Moose, Lisa, and that dreamy Kevin Kubusheskie. In the deepest recesses of my heart, though, I really wanted to sidle up next to another Nickelodeon idol: Mr. Wizard.

As the child of a microbiologist and a natural born nerd, I developed a love of science early, and Mr. Wizard’s World was one of my very favorite programs. Most of the experiments were completely accessible, easy to duplicate at home. The ones that weren’t – like his freezing a rose in liquid nitrogen and then smashing it to bits – were so damn cool, you were happy just to watch him do them.

I devoured the book Mr. Wizard’s Supermarket Science and would have done every experiment in it – twice – if only my mother would have tolerated it. (“You want to do WHAT to a hot dog with two forks and a battery?!”) I remember having the coolest science demonstration in second grade thanks to Mr. W teaching me how to make spaghetti dance, and I spent more than one happy afternoon powering a tiny foil boat around a pie dish with a sliver of soap.

It’s rare for a sixty-something year old man in a brown sweater over a button down shirt (which is how I always picture him) as cool, but, damn it, he was. He was just so low key and down to earth and never talked down to the kids on the show no matter how thick they were. (I was insanely jealous of the kids that assisted Mr. Wizard, judging them harshly for their ignorance and bad haircuts.) For me, Mr. Wizard was more influential than Mr. Rogers, and it was with great sadness that I learned of his death on June 12. Thank you, Don Herbert, for teaching me the glories of science . . . and the allure of elderly former actors who make their livings entertaining the nerds of the world.

This Shit Just Got Real

Hey kids, thanks for another oh so crowded night. It's amazing how the number of teams keeps going up and, diametrically opposed to physics and math and stuff, the team sizes are going up too. Something's gotta give soon. Maybe the next time you come to Quizzo you could bring some more space to help make the room larger. Whoa. I think I just blew my mind. Or did I blow your mind?

Yes, it was so crowded we skipped the halftime show. I will endeavor to come up with a way for a halftime show that can work even when we're pushing maximum density. Anyone got a brilliant idea they want to share? I'm all ears. And a baculum.

So the question I wanted to rhapsodize about last night but didn't because, again, way too many people for chatting, was the Chaplin mustache vs. Hitler mustache phenomenon. Two legendary, iconic men from the 20th century, one silly 'stache. Both mustaches obviously are the same in concept except that one grew on a man who brought great joy to the world through comedy and the other grew on a "mass-murdering fuckhead" (E. Izzard). And yet, if you had to describe that facial hair to someone you'd say, "that weird guy at Potbelly's had a Hitler mustache" or "I knew this cute girl who liked to keep a Hitler mustache." Everyone knows what that means. But why isn't it the Chaplin mustache? He was a much nicer guy (pedophilia not withstanding) and, as we learned last night, he was wearing it in the public eye much longer before Adolph did. I wonder if Adolph's co-workers were gathering around the water kooler saying "What's up with Hitler wearing the Chaplin mustache? Does he really think that's going to make people like him? He's still such a tool. Have you seen him try and do the dancing dinner rolls bit? Pathetic." Perhaps it was those kinds of comments behind his back that later drove him to invade Poland? Perhaps not.

BTW, for those of you were weren't there the question was: Who sported the toothbrush mustache (as it was known originally) first, Adloph Hitler or Charlie Chaplin? The answer: Chaplin's first Little Tramp appeared on screen in 1914 and Dolphy didn't get the command from his superior to trim his Prussian 'stache (didn't fit under his WWI gas mask too well) until 1915 and that was still long before he got into the public eye. BTW, funny story, he would later end up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire (again, E. Izzard).

And lastly, I do have to point out that one team boldly went away from the 50/50 nature of the question to posit their own answer, simply "Chapman." This answer was deemed incorrect because in addition to being wrong it was just plain silly.
GAME ONE

FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 32









THERE ARE NO SMALL PARTS, ONLY SMALL NINJAS 30









CLAVINS 29







TEAM AT THE JUKE BOX 28
CAVS IN 07, KUCINICH '08 (CLEVELAND ROCKS) 27
LAST TEAM STANDING 27
HARD TIME DEALT ANOTHER BLOW IN GEORGIA 27
WHEN I GOT A BJ FROM A 15 YEAR OLD ALL I GOT WAS A HIGH FIVE 27
WE SUPPORT PARIS AND OUR TROOPS 26
EDDIE MURPHY RAW IN SCARY'S VAGINA 25
ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S DAUGHTER 25
YES, INTERN, WE ARE HERE FOR TRIVIA. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE OUR TABLE 25
FAT PEOPLE ARE HARDER TO KIDNAP 24
TEAM TRYING TO GET DRUNK WORLDWIDE 23
BEER FOR PEACE 21
THE PETREES 21
CLIFFORD OBER 20
GOLDEN TEAM 14
BLACK AND BLUE 11
SILLY ALBANIANS 9


GAME TWO (Action Movie Porn)

CLAVINS 33









NATIONAL PLEASURE 2: CAGE DANCING 30









FIRE CROTCH DOWN BELOW 30









BLACK COCKS ON A PLANE 28
LOTS OF BEER FOR PEACE 27
RAMBONE: FIRST BLOODY VAGINA 27
SCHINDLER'S LIST 2: THE SHIKSAS 27 (more like last week's category, yes?)
(BLACK) MEN IN BLACK (MEN) 24
FIVE IN THE HOLE 23
SHAFT 23
IF YOU THINK THIS IS BASIC TRAINING YOU'VE GOT BAD INSTINCTS 22 (A name this long and this unfunny is so sad.)
DIE HARD 12" INCHES OF STEEL 19
ALIEN VS SEXUAL PREDATOR 18
CLIFFORD OBER 18
LETHAL WEAPON 5: COCKED AND LOADED 18
SNAKES ON A PLANE 14
VAJAYJAYS ON THE PROWL 7

The Saga of the Clavins

So if you've been to Quizzo anytime over the last five and a half years, you know there's a certain group of folk who tend to rack up impressive scores who go by a simple yet elegant name: The Clavins. Named of course for John Ratzenberger's character from "Cheers", the Clavins are stalwart supporters of Quizzo at the Pour House who have earned nothing but derision, contempt and scorn from the competeing teams, not wholly without reason. There are three main reasons they are the team everybody loves to hate...

First of all, they don't change their name. Many people are long time regulars at Quizzo, but they change their name every week, every game, trying to score that elusive pitcher of free beer for best team name. You could be losing to the same group of people every week and you wouldn't necessarily know it because whatever they're calling themselves this week is never what they called themselves last week. The rest of the bar is filled with ciphers, but not The Clavins; they are constant, they are eternal, they are cold, hard fact. So we all know them (even though the lineup of that "them" can change from week to week), because of the simple immutable law: Branding Works. You hear the same name week after week after week and it sinks in, it sticks, you know who they are. And any week they win you feel that bile rise in your gorge and you can't help but think of Seinfeld and his own nemesis from the post office as you mutter under your breath in a sharp whisper, "Clavins!" (Fun Fact: When I played in Philly the team we ran up against the most was Hello, Newman.)

But of course the main reason you know who they are is, frankly, because they're really quite good at doing that winning at Quizzo thing. They don't win every week (really!), but they sure win a hell of a lot. They'll tell you it's because they come so consistently to play ("80% of success is showing up"), or that, golly, we sure got lucky tonight, but they also have quite the roster of ringers (trivia-geeks) to draw from. I mean, these people really love their trivia. Do you know why I instituted a policy of letting people send me trivia questions? Because the Clavins were already doing it. Constantly. You know why I advertise Quizzo as available for weddings? Because we ran a game at the wedding reception of two Clavins. Do you want to guess where those two Clavins met? Yup. The same bar they're in every Tuesday...

Which brings me to the third and chief reason you people are always gunning for Da Calvinz, that age old reason that has never failed us: Everyone else is doing it. I think the term is Straw Doll. They're a convenient perceived enemy that the whole herd can band together to despise, so you do it. What immigrants and gays are for Republicans, so too The Clavins are for Quizzo (but without the culture or fashion sense). Rarely does the bar join in unison to celebrate a winning team, but jeepers you people sure can pile onto a String-Up-The-Clavins bandwagon right quick when they have good night. But here's the thing I'm going to let you in on, The Clavins feed on that shit. Like that inky goop that killed Tasha Yar they just grow stonger and more tenacious the more you all loathe them. They're like Trivia-Terminators or genital warts, they are relentless and they always come back stronger than before. They have no Achilles heel. Or do they...? (To be continued)

Girly Games for Girly Men

So the idea came to me last week, as I noticed more and more young ladies coming to play Quizzo: is my game fair to the fairer sex? Then I realized how much that last question sounded like Carrie from Sex in the City and I knew what I had to do: Ladies Night at Quizzo. I made a concerted effort to make the GLOQ (Gorgeous Ladies of Quizzo) squeal with happiness the way the guys do when I start a question with something like "In the movie Caddyshack..."; I wanted to give them the same delight. So I wrote many a question from the other side of my brain: Gilmore Girls, Bridget Jones, dELia*s, Tinkerbell Nail Polish, Hanson...

The idea was, more female-centric questions would allow the ladies an evening of beating up on the men. Well, I learned two things: The ladies don't need my help, thank you very much, and the boys at Quizzo are more in touch with their feminine sides than they want anyone to know.

Maybe it was just the squad of new dudes parked in front of us the whole game (welcome, gentlemen), but there seemed to be an inordinate number of guys throughout the bar knowing, say, what school Felicity skipped so she could be close to Ben, and then there would be the longest tirades about how embarrassed they were for knowing that stuff. Methinks the dudes was protesting waaaay too much. But it wasn't just a random question here or there. Look at the scores below: you guys (I mean the ones who pee standing up) knew almost everything! As uncomfortable as the the shirtless guys handout and the Kate Hudson movie list made you, you sure mustered up some damn good scores. But instead of being proud, you were all mortified! From the discomfort you exhibited you'd think you were back in the 8th grade getting spontaneous erections in gym. (At least we keep telling ourselves they were spontaneous...)

Look you awkward straight boys, just because you know this stuff doesn't make you gay (trust me, the gay people I know are much, much cooler than you'll ever be); it just means that your brains are much more fully developed than you'll admit to. You're open-minded, in the best sense. Be proud of that. Hell, use it to your advantage on the GLOQ. Remember, just like guys dig girls who know sports stuff, so too the ladies admire a man who knows how Court Foster died in The Man in the Moon and isn't afraid to say so.

GAME ONE
Clavins 35









Scooter Got Fucked by Dick 34









Jail ... That's Hot 33







Paris Won't Have her Vespa (But She'll Have Scooter) 32
Next in Jail: Sexy White House Socialite Harriet Meirs 31
Scooter's Cellmates 31
Chickspeare 30
Lowered Expectations 30
Matha Thawed Her Money Piles Twelve Hours Before Indictment 27
Scooter's Stay at the Paris Hilton 25
Tank Johnson's Arsenal 25
Pardon Me, I Have a Dick in My Ass 24
Sylvia Plath E-Z Bake Oven 24
Pour-o at the Quiz House 24
Where's Jaque? 21
Orange is the New Black 18
The New B's 13

GAME TWO (Worst Sequel Ever)

Sound of Music II: A Bad Habit's Hard to Break 39







Free Willy 4: Love Knows No Species 38







The Queen II: Prince Charles's Revenge 37 (tie break winner)







Look Who's Clavin Now 37
Alien vs. Predator 2: This Time Alien Wins 36
The Notebook 2: Reanimation 35
Schindler's List 2: The Resurrection 34
Schindler's List II: Rise from the Ashes 32
Casualties of Love II: The Lorene Bobbitt Story 30
Passion of the Christ: Jesus Strikes Back 29
Knocked Up: Thanks John Roberts 29
Dances with Cougars: The Beavers are Loose 28
Dirty Dancing: Just the Tip 28
How Gangrene was my Valley 25
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes on a Boat 25
Sophie Changes Her Mind 25


Special thanks to cool Eric for loaning us a camera when ours went south. He's our hero.