Teem Names

Another Tuesday, another Quizzo, another shitload of people. My new buddy John in Denver was recently bitching about having ten, count 'em TEN teams at his game. Yeah. This week we had 21. Then again, he doesn't have a Scorebabe. Me? I got a Scorebabe. The real one! Yes, Rebecca made her triumphant return to the bar much to everyone's delight except the people who hate her and punish her (and the bar) by writing lengthy paragraphs instead of team names. Come on people. A good team name should be like Mike Tyson with no legs: short and punchy. If you have to take a breath in the middle of reading your team name, it probably sucks. Think haiku, not limerick. (That is not an invitation to make your next team name seventeen syllables long you Type A, literal mooks.) I know you're all clamoring to win the free pitcher of beer for the best team name, so let me give you a few more pointers...

Remember this: we read the names aloud. So when you come up with a clever team name based on a homophone, its cleverness, if it had any (helpful tip: it doesn't), won't really translate to the room. "Fowl Play" or "I Love Ewe" or "I Ate the Hole Thing" or whatever is just going lie there: blah. Sure, Rebecca and I are simply in hysterics from your effortless twist of the complexities of the English language, but the room, not so much. Let me put it this way, did you see Ralph Fiennes and Jennifer Lopez in Maid in Manhattan? Yeah. You see my point.

Here's another idea: don't try to do too much. You know when you're moving and you 're almost done and there's about half a U-Haul left to unload and you've got boxes to your chin and you tell your roommate "yeah, put the microwave on top." Stop. Your mom was right, always make two trips. A team name that ropes in Lindsay Lohan, Alberto Gonzalez, condoms and the death of Don Ameche all into one probably isn't worth all that work. Think simple and elegant.

Be unique: Yes, when Britney Spears runs naked through Waffle House within 12 hours of Quizzo, we know there will be a torrent of similarly themed names. Remember that it will almost always work against you if you jump on the bandwagon. Plus, it will drive you crazy when you don't know which score is yours because all the names have the same theme/joke/words/etc. It can happen that we get a bunch of names on the same theme and one clearly rises to the top, but it's extremely rare. Because you know,when you take the path less traveled by it can, sometimes, make all the difference. I wrote that.

Also, there's nothing wrong with having a little pride in staking out a team name and sticking with it week in, week out. Yes, there's the Clavins (Um, shut out again this week, what's up with that?) and now Pour-o at the Quiz House and Lowered Expectations have joined the fold. No, they're not going to win the beer for best name, but they've got a little spirit, a little team unity, and that can go along way. Take it from me, proud card-carrying member of the Bikini Bandit All-Stars since 1999. BBA*S represent!

Lastly, avoid the too soon and the too crude: Yes, often the team names at Quizzo are not for the faint of heart. Being spunky, erudite people we don't just insult your mom, we insult your mom colorfully . But, remember, even I have lines I won't cross and you should too. Your mom raised you better than that. Fat old slut that she is.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS S-CHIP 'n' Dales 35









$20 WINNERS If Obesity Is Contagious, I Have to Stop Hanging Out With Your Mom 31











$10 WINNERS We Just Got Married, And This Is How We Honeymoon 30 (tie break winners)










Damn, This Is the Smartest Thing We've Done 16
Attack of the Spiderpigs 16
Clavins 23
Poor-o at the Quiz House 18
Stewed, Screwed, & Tattooed 18
Roberts & Stevens Seize the Day 27
Last Place Lassies 13
People With Tables Suck 28
Moo Shoo Jews 24
These Are Not My Pants 27
Lowered Expectations 26
Ted Stevens' Bridge to Butt Sex 25
Apparently the "Bride to Nowhere" Actually Leads to Alaskan Senator's Secret Snow Fort 17
Scorebabe, I Think I Love You, But What Am I So Afraid Of? 30
I Want to Bag a Ginger Before I'm Dead, Hufflepuff 22
With Liberty and Justice from Seizure to Shining Seizure
Tom Snyder Joins Larry King in Dead Talk Show Host Hall of Fame 26
I Facebooked Your Mom 10

GAME TWO: (Name a Banned Sesame Street Sketch)

Oscar Takes It In the Can 29










Bert & Ernie: F Is For Fisting 27 (tie breaker winners)










The Coochie Monster 27 (tie breaker kind of winners)









C Is for Cocaine: That's Good Enough for Lindsay 20
Bert, Is That a Rubber Duckie in My Ass? 12
Big Bird's Slow Bird Flu Death 19
Stewed, Screwed, & Tattooed 14
St. Elmo's Firecrotch 22
Jim Henson Touched Me 17
Ernie Felt Bert 20
Clavins 23
Bum Fights III: Mayweather v. Oscar de la Grouch 8
Snuffleupagus 20
P Is For Pussy, That's Good Enough for Me 25
Bert & Ernie: My Original Two Dads 17
When Oscar Made His O Face 11
Harry Potter Dies 26
Bert Back Mountain 19
Dirk Diggler Sock Pupper 27
Bert & Ernie's Eiffel Tower 23
Is That a Snuffleupagus in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me? 18