Yes We Can

I know I'm not the first person to embed this video in their blog. Call it schmaltzy or propaganda if you like, but it really is beautifully done. I can't remember the last time a politician spoke words that moved me. There's been footage of RFK or FDR that I've found stirring or inspiring, but never a politician in the present day who has seemed thoughtful, sincere and genuine. Until Mr. Obama. Some people say that you need connections and be a card-carrying member of the Old Boy's Club in order to get anything accomplished as a leader in Washington. This year I'm going to go with genuine. I think this year, that's enough for me.

BTW, on my first night sans Quizzo in forever, I tried to finally catch an episode of According to Jim so I could see what all the hubbub was about and wouldn't you know it, it was preempted by Super Tuesday coverage! Sheesh.

Idle Hands

Do you know what I'm NOT doing right now? Writing questions. Do you know the last time I wasn't writing questions on a Monday night? 2001. The X-Files was still on the air, there was no such thing as American Idol, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears were both sober and America was not at war in Iraq (officially). Ha!

Enjoy your Super Duper Mardi Gras Tuesday tomorrow. I may be out somewhere, but I won't be at Quizzo! Kisses.

And special thanks to the Alien Vs. Sexual Predator princess who posted this to Youtube:

Into the Blue

I knew it was going to be fun. I didn't know it was going to be THAT much fun. I've said it a few dozen times a few different ways, but let me say it one more time: Thank you. It has been a long strange awesome run and today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

The night was wonderful and strange and typical and Quizzotic. The fact that we had sound downstairs was awesome. The fact that it blew out the sound system and frustrated everyone was a pain in the ass. The fact that there was a group of people waiting to table-squat at 3:45 when the opened the doors was frightening and amazing. The fact that so many people who hadn't been to Quizzo in years somehow found about our retirement and came out for one more game was touching. And the gifts and cards and baked goods and ass gropes were all really lovely as well. And thank you for allowing me to experience one of the greatest highs of my life. That, of course, was realizing my dream of crowd surfing to the timeless "Final Countdown" by Europe while wearing a bright blue unitard, magic golden shoes and a great big, dopey grin .

Here are our photos from the night. If you have incriminating photos, videos, anecdotes or arrest reports to share, please send them along.

Thank you, thank you, thank you you beautiful people. It will be hard to get over you.

xoxo,

Neal (and Rebecca)


GAME ONE

$30 Winners: HOT POCKET ROCKET SCIENTISTS 38









$20 Winners: NEAL WAS NAKED IN BED SO I CALLED MARY KATE OLSON 35









$10 Winners: WU TANG FINANCIAL 34 (tiebreak winners)









NOBODY PUTS RUDY IN THE CORNER 34
NEAL, WE WISH WE KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU 20
BALLS 14
BA-BA-BA BECCA AND THE DRUNKS 14
THE REGULARS 27
GIANTS 23, PATRIOTS 17 23
NEXT TUESDAY: HOOKERS AND BLOW 31
MOURNING MORMONS 23
SMELL YA LATER 27
VISIT COLUMBIA FOR A FARKING GOOD TIME 28
TEAM BROWN STAR 24
VISIT COLUMBIA FOR A FARKING GOOD TIME 28
KENNEDY WANTS TO BARACK HIS BODY 29
NEXT WEEK ALIEN HOSTS QUIZZO AND WINS 18
CLAVINZ 33
NUMBER OCHO 25
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT BEING DEAD 16
SWEET CHERRY PIE 26
NOBODY PUTS RUDY IN A CORNER 34
I'VE BEEN COMING TO QUIZZO ... 27
TEDDY KENNEDY: I ENDORSE OBAMA BECAUSE HE TOO KILLED A BITCH IN A LAKE 26
YOU FUCKED US IN THE ASS EVERY TUESDAY SINCE 9/11 AND NOW YOUR "BUSY" 30
HILLARY BARACK LOVE CHILD 24
SAVED THE BEST 28
GOODBYE RUDY TUESDAY 23
SHUT UP, IT'S REALLY LOUD DOWNSTAIRS 15
JUST THE TIP 21



GAME TWO - WHAT WILL NEAL AND BECCA BE DOING WITH ALL THEIR FREE TIME?


$30 WINNERS: INVEST IN WU TANG FINANCIAL 37









$20 WINNERS: INADVERTENT GROPING 35









$10 WINNERS: PLAY SOME STRIP SCRABBLE 35










HOSTING TRIVIAL PURSUIT TOURNAMENT 30
QUIZOMASTER'S BLUE BALLS 34
TURNING TRICKS ON NEW YORK AVENUE 19
SWEET CHERRY PIE 17
CLAVINS 26
MAKE LIKE THE BEAST WITH TWO BACKS 23
SMURF FOREPLAY: THREE APPLES LONG 21
TAKE CARE OF RAGING CASE OF BLUE BALLS 32
THE QUADRUPLE ENDING 12
BONE ON TUESDAYS 34
TWO WORDS: MATCHING BODYSUITS 22
WHATEVER IT IS: THINK SPANDEX 34
BUYING A WEDDING DRESS THAT DOESN'T SHOW CAMEL TOE 28
BUCK HUNTING AT THE POUR HOUSE 27
BALLS DEEP 21
CRAZY SMART SEX 31

The Final Countdown

Golly, nothing like the end of an era to bring out the freak in everybody. With just two night of Quizzo remaining, the joint was Packed. Sorrow over the untimely death of Heath Ledger was leavened by the right-on-schedule demise of Fred Thompson's campaign and the unadulterated joy of hearing Sisqo's Thong Song. The tune was such a hit we spontaneously decided that anyone who took the time to let me see their dumps like a truck would score one extra Thong Point for their team. Despite that song being nearly a decade old and the thermometer hovering in the low 30's plenty of folks still wear skimpy thongs. God bless 'em. And God bless all the ladies who took the time to share. And thank God they were all ladies. In the interest of fairness, we decided to award Thong Points at Quizzo from now on. And since there's only one more Quizzo left, you know what to do: wear your finest thongery for Q-Day (1/29/2008) and win one last lascivious point for your team; no trivia knowledge needed for that!

And as I just mentioned, this Tuesday the 29th is the real Super Tuesday for the year: our last Quizzo. Should be a lot of fun. We keep coming me up with extra prizes (sorry, no trip to Fiji, as rumored) and twists on the game to make sure as many people as possible walk away with something. Management assures me they're bringing in some extra swag to spread around as well as some Shot Rounds like ye olde days. Sounds good to me. I have also heard a few regulars say that they're planning on coming down extra, extra, extra early for this. You people move me deeply. And you're freaking weird. God I love you.

Better than coming early, I hope you stay late. Becca and I have every intention to make our last night last a long time, to raise a glass, reminisce a bit, and maybe eve neck with as many of you as possible. I already told work I've got a doctor's appointment Wednesday morning...

See you soon. Don't forget your thong!

GAME ONE

$30 winners: MONSTER'S 8 BALL 38









$20 winners: HEATH LEDGER FOR LIFE 37









$10 winners: HEATH LEDGER ABORTS SELF
IN MISGUIDED ROE VS WADE CELEBRATION 37









$3 TRANSACTION FEE 27
ABORTING MY BABY IN THE US 26
CROAKBACK MOUNTAIN 35
HEATH LEDGER SUICIDE NOTE: LIE W/O NEAL NOT WORTH LIVING 24
FLATLINERS: HEATH, FRED AND MY PORTFOLIO 26
10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT ODS 33
POOR-O AT THE QUIZZHOUSE 34
NOW FRED THOMPSON CAN SOLVE THE HEATH LEDGER CASE 13
CLAVINS 33
TOM BRADY'S BOOTIE ON OUR MINDS 34
WE'RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD 34
I FIGURED OUT HOW TO QUIT YOU 29
TRYING TOO HARD 21
RAW DOGG 36
WHAT IS BEN BERNANKE SMOKING? 31
NUMERO OCHO 30
bs&p 500 31
roe vs wade is 35, my aborted fetus is still zero 35
hey scorebabe, is it still swinging if they're both named Neal? 32


GAME TWO - WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR FREE TUESDAY NIGHTS WHEN QUIZZO IS OVER?

$30 WINNERS: WE'LL COME TO THE POURHOUSE FOR THE YUMMY VITTLES 37









$20 WINNERS: WORK ON MY STIMULUS PACKAGE 34









$10 WINNERS: FINALLY START MY TOM GREEN FANSITE 33










STAY HOME AND BEAT MY CLAVIN 31 (i1tp)
PUT MY PENCIL DOWN AND TURN 'EM IN, TURN 'EM IN, TURN 'EM IN 29 (i1tp)
WE'LL QUIZZO WITH OUR THREE IMAGINARY FRIENDS 27
CLAVINS 27 (i1tp)
SLUMBER PARTY AT MARY-KATE'S 24
EVERY DAY WILL BE SUPER TUESDAY 19
PULLING A HEATH LEDGER 32
MAKING BABIES FOR ABORTIONS 32
SHOW UP 3 HOURS EARLY TO OTHER BARS 24 (i1tp)
WORKING AT CAMELOT 25
CATCH UP ON ALL THOSE BUFFY EPISODES 28
GET STDS AT HAWK AND DOVE 22
CAFE MOZART: HALF PRICE BEERS 24 (i1tp)
GO BACK TO WORKING WITH THE TRANNIES AT 5TH & K 23
WIPING MORRIE'S ASS 27
HAIL THE CASH CAB 17
QUIZZO IS ENDING? 23
TWO GIRLS, ONE TUESDAY 27
SAME THING WE DO EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT,
PINKY, TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD 20

i1tp = INCLUDES ONE THONG POINT!

Unfinished Business

So with vacation back in December and my decision to retire from Quizzo and other assorted major life changes, I've been shirking some of my Quizzomaster duties such as dutifully posting results and pictures from past games and documenting major visits by family members. These things happen. So, herewith, a brief pictorial depiction of things that happened since December 18, 2007. (Wow, remember 2007? Good times, good times...)

My last Quizzo of 2007 began with two interesting interruptions. The first by my father, arriving unannounced, snatching the mike from my hand and loudly welcoming everyone to Quizzo. DC suddenly understands why I am the way I am. What is it that's said about apples and their proximity to their trees? So true. He and is lovely wife popped in for a quickie visit from California, getting into BWI with just enough time to get to The Hill for the start of the game. Just like Dad, always making great time.

The other interruption came from that Boston guy in the red and white striped tie who endeared himself to no one by being all shouty all the time. Not shouty ha-ha, but shouty shut-the-fuck-up. After his schtick grew tiresome I had to become a little shouty myself. Nothing like seeing your stepmother's face as you're telling a drunk to cool it before I made him suck my dick. Thankfully it didn't come to that. I hate forced sodomy. Usually. The guy, let's call him Mike, actually showed class by apologizing afterwards and explaining that where he's from, that's how the game's played. Ah, it was a cultural misunderstanding.

This is a great picture of Rebecca and Schwarz. (Or maybe it's Schwartz with a T in it. Not sure. He's mysterious that way.) He's our current bartender and, frankly, the best one we've had in the 6.5 years I've been at the Pour House. Don't get me wrong, we've loved most of our bartenders. They give us beer, what's not to love? But Schwarz has always gone the extra mile, setting up the mike and sound-system for us, actually playing the game instead of stealing answers and selling them to customers at the bar (hi Rob!) and just being an all around pleasant presence. Plus he has a wide variety of humorous and quirky T-shirts. And, as Rebecca is demonstrating in the picture, he is most huggable. Hug a Schwarz today!


Let's take a quick tangential stumble down bartender memory lane: Vince let us dance on the bar and used to ply women with free shots until they flashed us. Lance had more female fans than I thought possible... that is until Isaac came along. Rick was a hoot and he loved to flirt; I made his night by flirting back. And I can't forget Eric, the guy who first hired me. So what if he was a bit of a screw-up, we had fun. That was back when we all did more shots than we should have. One night he was a bit... altered shall we say? He paid me at the end of the night and then about five minutes later tried to pay me again. Short-term memory impairment is a hell of a thing. I, of course, declined explaining that he'd already paid me. But less than two minutes later when he tried to pay me again, I let him.


Based on the way they're looking at the camera I assume these people won things in December and on the 8th of this month. I'll be damned if I know who won what when. Congratulations! I'm sure





And finally, this is the first of a series of pictures of a threesome (Rene, Heather and... let's say Mike) that happened in the middle of the Pour House floor on January 8th. Each had claimed it was their birthday, so they all had to get into their birthday suit and do what came naturally. Unfortunately the other 84 photos I took of this event were confiscated by the police. Turns out, despite it being his birthday, Rene is not yet legal.




January 15, 2008
GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS: 10 YEARS LATER:: BILL CLINTON:: AN ORAL HISTORY 33









$20 WINNERS: GET ROIDS OR DIE TRYING 32 (Tie Break Wieners)









$10 WINNERS: GOLDEN GLOBES LOOK SAGGY 32










AT HIS AGE NEAL CAN'T PUT OUT 28
MITT ROMNEY BLOWS MORE SURE THINGS THAN JESSICA SIMPSON 29
IT TAKE A WHITE VILLAGE 23
COWBOYS DON'T CRY 27
EVEREST NEVER MADE THE REAL HILLARY CRY 21
3 WEEKS, 30 PRIZES, NO CHANCE 18
IS THAT A SMURF IN YOUR POCKET OR DO YOU HAVE POOR CIRCULATION? 27
BLONDE AMBITION 21
TRYING TOO HARD AGAIN 16
BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A SUB-PRIME LOAN? 15
CLAVINS 27
DIKEMBE MUTUMBO'S JUMBO CUM GUMBO 18
WE'RE JUST TWO 18



GAME TWO - INAPPROPRIATE TRANSFORMERS
Is it just me or do the winners of the second game look suspiciously similar to the winners of the first game? Hmmmmm.


$30 WINNERS - MICHAEL JACKSON 32 (Tie Break Wieners)










$20 WINNERS - DECEPTICUNT 32









$10 WINNERS - AUTOEROTICASPHIXATRON 31









SPORK 22
VIBROLATOR 8
OPTIMUS PRIME 22
CUM DUMPSTER 23
PRECUMMERTRON 23
COCK GOBBLER 24
CLAVINS 30
THE CIRCULATOR 28
OPTIMUS PENIS 19
COCKBLOCKTRON 21
CLITORUS PRIME 21
EJACULATOR 28
TWATACON 8

...and I Feel Fine

Sorry I've been away from the blog for so long. I'm sure both of my avid readers have been mystified by my absence. (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!) Let's chalk it up to unexpected guests, holiday traveling, general apathy, grand planning and major life-changing decisions. Oh, and that new Texas Hold 'Em application I got on Facebook...

For those of you who weren't at the Pour House this week or who aren't on my personal Quizzo-email-listserv or who didn't see the Going Out Gurus article, let me be the first to tell you: I'm walking away from my weekly Quizzo game. After this month, I retire. I quit. Daddy don't come around here no more. You and I will have to get our drunk on and our trivia fix from some other corner of the city. I recommend SmartAss, which started up again this week, but that's only because Andy's the best host I've ever met besides me.

As to why I'm leaving, I wish there was some cool, philosophical answer that would leave everyone satisfied. Basically, I'm tired. Y'all have whipped my butt. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss it, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly overjoyed to have my life back. Because while Quizzo is just one night a week for you, it's been a 3-4 night a week job for me. For six years. Think about it. Question writing, blog updates, The Show: it all takes up a lot of time. But soon it will not.

But until that time we have some Quizzo-ing to do. There are three more left this month and then it is ovah. Management is working on getting some extra-special prizes for the 29th, my last night, but I'll try to score some stuff for the next two weeks as well. Going away presents if you will.

Hope to see you out for one last game. And if not... oh well.

xoxo,

Neal

You Can't Handle the Truth

Last week I ran a Quizzo night for a group called called Everybody Wins. Literacy charities that encourage professionals to read once a week with kids? How can you not love that? This gig was specifically for the good people at Lawyers for Literacy to all get together, raise money, get snockered and debate the finer points of Star Wars and The Golden Girls. It was a magical evening.

The only problem with the evening was that, well, they're all lawyers. Now, I like some lawyers. Atticus Finch kicked ass. Ben Matlock was a mensch. And Lisa Nicole Carson's character on Ally McBeal was a stone cold fox who could litigate the pants off anyone (why, oh why was it never me?) But, let's just say most of the crowd didn't fit into those molds. They were more, um, opinionated.

The highlight of the evening was the anarchy at the end when I, and I'm not proud to admit it, when I botched a question. Well, actually the question kicked ass: (Daniel Craig recently became the 6th man to play James Bond on screen, and he's only the second English man to do it, who was the first?) but I mishandled the loophole finders. You see, obviously, from my question I'm referring to the 6 men who played Bond in official Bond movies: Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan and Craig. You've spotted the loophole by now, yes? As we all know, David Niven played James Bond in the original parody version of Casino Royale. Here's where things went off the rails. What I should have done was contacted the three teams that had put down Niven and explained that I wanted to just consider the "official bond movies". I could have done this quietly, quickly, etc. they change their answers and we could have all moved on. Instead I revealed my soft pink underbelly to a room full of 100 lawyers and they laid into me. I was uncharacteristically and stupidly off my game. Then even more stupidly, I begin tap dancing. Poorly. I justified not accepting Niven by saying he didn't play Bond, he was in fact Dutch and a muppet and blah, blah, blah, anything I could think of and it doesn't matter, because it wouldn't have changed the final results anyway... except it would have ... and there was one guy who knew that. Let's call him Mike.

Mike was not upset. He was livid. He was so very, very, very upset that his team did not win first place. Picture the scene: the game was over. People had left or were leaving. Winners had had their photo taken. Mike was still arguing his point to me. Repeatedly. I pointed out that the game was over, this whole thing was for charity, and did he happen to notice that the difference between first place and second place was the different number printed on the plastic trophies that were handed out? Who knows, maybe he had a side bet of $50k riding on this thing, but all I could see were the plastic trophies. Mike said that wasn't the point and proved the strength of his argument by ending with"The point is, you're an idiot."

Oh poor Mike. Look, dude, I'm sorry I screwed up. It happens. But calling people names never solved anything. In hindsight I could have whipped out make up questions, tie breakers, a whole bunch of things, but in my eagerness to get out of there (and I really did think it wasn't going to change the winners of the game), I decided to let it go. I'm sorry you couldn't. But if you're ever near the Pour House on a Tuesday, stop in and I'll buy you a beer. I hope that helps.

And if that's not good enough? Well, Mike, the jerk store called and they're all out of you.

Cheers,
Neal

PS: The evening was written up here by a cool lady from Legal Times named Attila. Fellas, if you ever meet a woman named Attila, don't let her get away.

GAME ONE

$30 Heart Medicine for $500 Alex 29











$20 Clavins 26









$10 Inventors of the Accu-Jac 24










Sub Prime Suspect 21
I'll Take a Massive Coronary for $200 Alex 18
Hillary Clinton's Dirty Panties 19
What is Alex Trebec's Pacemaker? 15
3 Ladies and No Right Answers 10
I'll Take Cardiac Arrest for 1000 16
Iraq me, Dave Petreus 19
The Internet if for Porn 21
Poor O at the Quiz House 13
I'll Take Heart Attacks for $200 18
Chick-Fil-Atio 17
Colorado Christians are Holier Than Thou 23

GAME TWO - Hanukkah Porn

$30 Clavins









Sammy Davis Jr.'s Cock Part 2 31
(Yes, one man, alone beat many teams of many... if only he had friends.)











Yarmulkum Shots: Volume 2 28










I Have a Little Dildo ... 23
Dick Cheese 19
The Bliss of the Mouth Bris 23
Debbie Does Moses25
The Wailing Balls 21
Deborah Does Jerusalem 25
Driedel Bangers and Donkey Punches 19
Long Dong Silverstein 21
Judah Maccabee and the Hanukkah Bush 18
2 Girls, 1 Yarmulke 16
Back Door Dreidels 9 19
Menoral Pleasures 27