Quizzo

Yes We Can

2008-02-05T23:00:00.000-05:00

I know I'm not the first person to embed this video in their blog. Call it schmaltzy or propaganda if you like, but it really is beautifully done. I can't remember the last time a politician spoke words that moved me. There's been footage of RFK or FDR that I've found stirring or inspiring, but never a politician in the present day who has seemed thoughtful, sincere and genuine. Until Mr. Obama. Some people say that you need connections and be a card-carrying member of the Old Boy's Club in order to get anything accomplished as a leader in Washington. This year I'm going to go with genuine. I think this year, that's enough for me.

BTW, on my first night sans Quizzo in forever, I tried to finally catch an episode of According to Jim so I could see what all the hubbub was about and wouldn't you know it, it was preempted by Super Tuesday coverage! Sheesh.

Idle Hands

2008-02-04T19:42:00.000-05:00

Do you know what I'm NOT doing right now? Writing questions. Do you know the last time I wasn't writing questions on a Monday night? 2001. The X-Files was still on the air, there was no such thing as American Idol, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears were both sober and America was not at war in Iraq (officially). Ha!

Enjoy your Super Duper Mardi Gras Tuesday tomorrow. I may be out somewhere, but I won't be at Quizzo! Kisses.

And special thanks to the Alien Vs. Sexual Predator princess who posted this to Youtube:

Into the Blue

2008-01-30T18:56:00.000-05:00

I knew it was going to be fun. I didn't know it was going to be THAT much fun. I've said it a few dozen times a few different ways, but let me say it one more time: Thank you. It has been a long strange awesome run and today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.

The night was wonderful and strange and typical and Quizzotic. The fact that we had sound downstairs was awesome. The fact that it blew out the sound system and frustrated everyone was a pain in the ass. The fact that there was a group of people waiting to table-squat at 3:45 when the opened the doors was frightening and amazing. The fact that so many people who hadn't been to Quizzo in years somehow found about our retirement and came out for one more game was touching. And the gifts and cards and baked goods and ass gropes were all really lovely as well. And thank you for allowing me to experience one of the greatest highs of my life. That, of course, was realizing my dream of crowd surfing to the timeless "Final Countdown" by Europe while wearing a bright blue unitard, magic golden shoes and a great big, dopey grin .

Here are our photos from the night. If you have incriminating photos, videos, anecdotes or arrest reports to share, please send them along.

Thank you, thank you, thank you you beautiful people. It will be hard to get over you.

xoxo,

Neal (and Rebecca)

GAME ONE

$30 Winners: HOT POCKET ROCKET SCIENTISTS 38

$20 Winners: NEAL WAS NAKED IN BED SO I CALLED MARY KATE OLSON 35

$10 Winners: WU TANG FINANCIAL 34 (tiebreak winners)

NOBODY PUTS RUDY IN THE CORNER 34
NEAL, WE WISH WE KNEW HOW TO QUIT YOU 20
BALLS 14
BA-BA-BA BECCA AND THE DRUNKS 14
THE REGULARS 27
GIANTS 23, PATRIOTS 17 23
NEXT TUESDAY: HOOKERS AND BLOW 31
MOURNING MORMONS 23
SMELL YA LATER 27
VISIT COLUMBIA FOR A FARKING GOOD TIME 28
TEAM BROWN STAR 24
VISIT COLUMBIA FOR A FARKING GOOD TIME 28
KENNEDY WANTS TO BARACK HIS BODY 29
NEXT WEEK ALIEN HOSTS QUIZZO AND WINS 18
CLAVINZ 33
NUMBER OCHO 25
TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT BEING DEAD 16
SWEET CHERRY PIE 26
NOBODY PUTS RUDY IN A CORNER 34
I'VE BEEN COMING TO QUIZZO ... 27
TEDDY KENNEDY: I ENDORSE OBAMA BECAUSE HE TOO KILLED A BITCH IN A LAKE 26
YOU FUCKED US IN THE ASS EVERY TUESDAY SINCE 9/11 AND NOW YOUR "BUSY" 30
HILLARY BARACK LOVE CHILD 24
SAVED THE BEST 28
GOODBYE RUDY TUESDAY 23
SHUT UP, IT'S REALLY LOUD DOWNSTAIRS 15
JUST THE TIP 21

GAME TWO - WHAT WILL NEAL AND BECCA BE DOING WITH ALL THEIR FREE TIME?

$30 WINNERS: INVEST IN WU TANG FINANCIAL 37

$20 WINNERS: INADVERTENT GROPING 35

$10 WINNERS: PLAY SOME STRIP SCRABBLE 35

HOSTING TRIVIAL PURSUIT TOURNAMENT 30
QUIZOMASTER'S BLUE BALLS 34
TURNING TRICKS ON NEW YORK AVENUE 19
SWEET CHERRY PIE 17
CLAVINS 26
MAKE LIKE THE BEAST WITH TWO BACKS 23
SMURF FOREPLAY: THREE APPLES LONG 21
TAKE CARE OF RAGING CASE OF BLUE BALLS 32
THE QUADRUPLE ENDING 12
BONE ON TUESDAYS 34
TWO WORDS: MATCHING BODYSUITS 22
WHATEVER IT IS: THINK SPANDEX 34
BUYING A WEDDING DRESS THAT DOESN'T SHOW CAMEL TOE 28
BUCK HUNTING AT THE POUR HOUSE 27
BALLS DEEP 21
CRAZY SMART SEX 31

The Final Countdown

2008-01-24T21:34:00.000-05:00

Golly, nothing like the end of an era to bring out the freak in everybody. With just two night of Quizzo remaining, the joint was Packed. Sorrow over the untimely death of Heath Ledger was leavened by the right-on-schedule demise of Fred Thompson's campaign and the unadulterated joy of hearing Sisqo's Thong Song. The tune was such a hit we spontaneously decided that anyone who took the time to let me see their dumps like a truck would score one extra Thong Point for their team. Despite that song being nearly a decade old and the thermometer hovering in the low 30's plenty of folks still wear skimpy thongs. God bless 'em. And God bless all the ladies who took the time to share. And thank God they were all ladies. In the interest of fairness, we decided to award Thong Points at Quizzo from now on. And since there's only one more Quizzo left, you know what to do: wear your finest thongery for Q-Day (1/29/2008) and win one last lascivious point for your team; no trivia knowledge needed for that!

And as I just mentioned, this Tuesday the 29th is the real Super Tuesday for the year: our last Quizzo. Should be a lot of fun. We keep coming me up with extra prizes (sorry, no trip to Fiji, as rumored) and twists on the game to make sure as many people as possible walk away with something. Management assures me they're bringing in some extra swag to spread around as well as some Shot Rounds like ye olde days. Sounds good to me. I have also heard a few regulars say that they're planning on coming down extra, extra, extra early for this. You people move me deeply. And you're freaking weird. God I love you.

Better than coming early, I hope you stay late. Becca and I have every intention to make our last night last a long time, to raise a glass, reminisce a bit, and maybe eve neck with as many of you as possible. I already told work I've got a doctor's appointment Wednesday morning...

See you soon. Don't forget your thong!

GAME ONE

$30 winners: MONSTER'S 8 BALL 38

$20 winners: HEATH LEDGER FOR LIFE 37

$10 winners: HEATH LEDGER ABORTS SELF
IN MISGUIDED ROE VS WADE CELEBRATION 37

$3 TRANSACTION FEE 27
ABORTING MY BABY IN THE US 26
CROAKBACK MOUNTAIN 35
HEATH LEDGER SUICIDE NOTE: LIE W/O NEAL NOT WORTH LIVING 24
FLATLINERS: HEATH, FRED AND MY PORTFOLIO 26
10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT ODS 33
POOR-O AT THE QUIZZHOUSE 34
NOW FRED THOMPSON CAN SOLVE THE HEATH LEDGER CASE 13
CLAVINS 33
TOM BRADY'S BOOTIE ON OUR MINDS 34
WE'RE ON A MISSION FROM GOD 34
I FIGURED OUT HOW TO QUIT YOU 29
TRYING TOO HARD 21
RAW DOGG 36
WHAT IS BEN BERNANKE SMOKING? 31
NUMERO OCHO 30
bs&p 500 31
roe vs wade is 35, my aborted fetus is still zero 35
hey scorebabe, is it still swinging if they're both named Neal? 32

GAME TWO - WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR FREE TUESDAY NIGHTS WHEN QUIZZO IS OVER?

$30 WINNERS: WE'LL COME TO THE POURHOUSE FOR THE YUMMY VITTLES 37

$20 WINNERS: WORK ON MY STIMULUS PACKAGE 34

$10 WINNERS: FINALLY START MY TOM GREEN FANSITE 33

STAY HOME AND BEAT MY CLAVIN 31 (i1tp)
PUT MY PENCIL DOWN AND TURN 'EM IN, TURN 'EM IN, TURN 'EM IN 29 (i1tp)
WE'LL QUIZZO WITH OUR THREE IMAGINARY FRIENDS 27
CLAVINS 27 (i1tp)
SLUMBER PARTY AT MARY-KATE'S 24
EVERY DAY WILL BE SUPER TUESDAY 19
PULLING A HEATH LEDGER 32
MAKING BABIES FOR ABORTIONS 32
SHOW UP 3 HOURS EARLY TO OTHER BARS 24 (i1tp)
WORKING AT CAMELOT 25
CATCH UP ON ALL THOSE BUFFY EPISODES 28
GET STDS AT HAWK AND DOVE 22
CAFE MOZART: HALF PRICE BEERS 24 (i1tp)
GO BACK TO WORKING WITH THE TRANNIES AT 5TH & K 23
WIPING MORRIE'S ASS 27
HAIL THE CASH CAB 17
QUIZZO IS ENDING? 23
TWO GIRLS, ONE TUESDAY 27
SAME THING WE DO EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT,
PINKY, TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD 20

i1tp = INCLUDES ONE THONG POINT!

Unfinished Business

2008-01-17T21:41:00.000-05:00

So with vacation back in December and my decision to retire from Quizzo and other assorted major life changes, I've been shirking some of my Quizzomaster duties such as dutifully posting results and pictures from past games and documenting major visits by family members. These things happen. So, herewith, a brief pictorial depiction of things that happened since December 18, 2007. (Wow, remember 2007? Good times, good times...)

My last Quizzo of 2007 began with two interesting interruptions. The first by my father, arriving unannounced, snatching the mike from my hand and loudly welcoming everyone to Quizzo. DC suddenly understands why I am the way I am. What is it that's said about apples and their proximity to their trees? So true. He and is lovely wife popped in for a quickie visit from California, getting into BWI with just enough time to get to The Hill for the start of the game. Just like Dad, always making great time.

The other interruption came from that Boston guy in the red and white striped tie who endeared himself to no one by being all shouty all the time. Not shouty ha-ha, but shouty shut-the-fuck-up. After his schtick grew tiresome I had to become a little shouty myself. Nothing like seeing your stepmother's face as you're telling a drunk to cool it before I made him suck my dick. Thankfully it didn't come to that. I hate forced sodomy. Usually. The guy, let's call him Mike, actually showed class by apologizing afterwards and explaining that where he's from, that's how the game's played. Ah, it was a cultural misunderstanding.

This is a great picture of Rebecca and Schwarz. (Or maybe it's Schwartz with a T in it. Not sure. He's mysterious that way.) He's our current bartender and, frankly, the best one we've had in the 6.5 years I've been at the Pour House. Don't get me wrong, we've loved most of our bartenders. They give us beer, what's not to love? But Schwarz has always gone the extra mile, setting up the mike and sound-system for us, actually playing the game instead of stealing answers and selling them to customers at the bar (hi Rob!) and just being an all around pleasant presence. Plus he has a wide variety of humorous and quirky T-shirts. And, as Rebecca is demonstrating in the picture, he is most huggable. Hug a Schwarz today!

Let's take a quick tangential stumble down bartender memory lane: Vince let us dance on the bar and used to ply women with free shots until they flashed us. Lance had more female fans than I thought possible... that is until Isaac came along. Rick was a hoot and he loved to flirt; I made his night by flirting back. And I can't forget Eric, the guy who first hired me. So what if he was a bit of a screw-up, we had fun. That was back when we all did more shots than we should have. One night he was a bit... altered shall we say? He paid me at the end of the night and then about five minutes later tried to pay me again. Short-term memory impairment is a hell of a thing. I, of course, declined explaining that he'd already paid me. But less than two minutes later when he tried to pay me again, I let him.

Based on the way they're looking at the camera I assume these people won things in December and on the 8th of this month. I'll be damned if I know who won what when. Congratulations! I'm sure

And finally, this is the first of a series of pictures of a threesome (Rene, Heather and... let's say Mike) that happened in the middle of the Pour House floor on January 8th. Each had claimed it was their birthday, so they all had to get into their birthday suit and do what came naturally. Unfortunately the other 84 photos I took of this event were confiscated by the police. Turns out, despite it being his birthday, Rene is not yet legal.

January 15, 2008
GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS: 10 YEARS LATER:: BILL CLINTON:: AN ORAL HISTORY 33

$20 WINNERS: GET ROIDS OR DIE TRYING 32 (Tie Break Wieners)

$10 WINNERS: GOLDEN GLOBES LOOK SAGGY 32

AT HIS AGE NEAL CAN'T PUT OUT 28
MITT ROMNEY BLOWS MORE SURE THINGS THAN JESSICA SIMPSON 29
IT TAKE A WHITE VILLAGE 23
COWBOYS DON'T CRY 27
EVEREST NEVER MADE THE REAL HILLARY CRY 21
3 WEEKS, 30 PRIZES, NO CHANCE 18
IS THAT A SMURF IN YOUR POCKET OR DO YOU HAVE POOR CIRCULATION? 27
BLONDE AMBITION 21
TRYING TOO HARD AGAIN 16
BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A SUB-PRIME LOAN? 15
CLAVINS 27
DIKEMBE MUTUMBO'S JUMBO CUM GUMBO 18
WE'RE JUST TWO 18

GAME TWO - INAPPROPRIATE TRANSFORMERS
Is it just me or do the winners of the second game look suspiciously similar to the winners of the first game? Hmmmmm.

$30 WINNERS - MICHAEL JACKSON 32 (Tie Break Wieners)

$20 WINNERS - DECEPTICUNT 32

$10 WINNERS - AUTOEROTICASPHIXATRON 31

SPORK 22
VIBROLATOR 8
OPTIMUS PRIME 22
CUM DUMPSTER 23
PRECUMMERTRON 23
COCK GOBBLER 24
CLAVINS 30
THE CIRCULATOR 28
OPTIMUS PENIS 19
COCKBLOCKTRON 21
CLITORUS PRIME 21
EJACULATOR 28
TWATACON 8

...and I Feel Fine

2008-01-10T09:28:00.000-05:00

Sorry I've been away from the blog for so long. I'm sure both of my avid readers have been mystified by my absence. (Hi Mom! Hi Dad!) Let's chalk it up to unexpected guests, holiday traveling, general apathy, grand planning and major life-changing decisions. Oh, and that new Texas Hold 'Em application I got on Facebook...

For those of you who weren't at the Pour House this week or who aren't on my personal Quizzo-email-listserv or who didn't see the Going Out Gurus article, let me be the first to tell you: I'm walking away from my weekly Quizzo game. After this month, I retire. I quit. Daddy don't come around here no more. You and I will have to get our drunk on and our trivia fix from some other corner of the city. I recommend SmartAss, which started up again this week, but that's only because Andy's the best host I've ever met besides me.

As to why I'm leaving, I wish there was some cool, philosophical answer that would leave everyone satisfied. Basically, I'm tired. Y'all have whipped my butt. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss it, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly overjoyed to have my life back. Because while Quizzo is just one night a week for you, it's been a 3-4 night a week job for me. For six years. Think about it. Question writing, blog updates, The Show: it all takes up a lot of time. But soon it will not.

But until that time we have some Quizzo-ing to do. There are three more left this month and then it is ovah. Management is working on getting some extra-special prizes for the 29th, my last night, but I'll try to score some stuff for the next two weeks as well. Going away presents if you will.

Hope to see you out for one last game. And if not... oh well.

xoxo,

Neal

You Can't Handle the Truth

2007-12-13T23:17:00.001-05:00

Last week I ran a Quizzo night for a group called called Everybody Wins. Literacy charities that encourage professionals to read once a week with kids? How can you not love that? This gig was specifically for the good people at Lawyers for Literacy to all get together, raise money, get snockered and debate the finer points of Star Wars and The Golden Girls. It was a magical evening.

The only problem with the evening was that, well, they're all lawyers. Now, I like some lawyers. Atticus Finch kicked ass. Ben Matlock was a mensch. And Lisa Nicole Carson's character on Ally McBeal was a stone cold fox who could litigate the pants off anyone (why, oh why was it never me?) But, let's just say most of the crowd didn't fit into those molds. They were more, um, opinionated.

The highlight of the evening was the anarchy at the end when I, and I'm not proud to admit it, when I botched a question. Well, actually the question kicked ass: (Daniel Craig recently became the 6th man to play James Bond on screen, and he's only the second English man to do it, who was the first?) but I mishandled the loophole finders. You see, obviously, from my question I'm referring to the 6 men who played Bond in official Bond movies: Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan and Craig. You've spotted the loophole by now, yes? As we all know, David Niven played James Bond in the original parody version of Casino Royale. Here's where things went off the rails. What I should have done was contacted the three teams that had put down Niven and explained that I wanted to just consider the "official bond movies". I could have done this quietly, quickly, etc. they change their answers and we could have all moved on. Instead I revealed my soft pink underbelly to a room full of 100 lawyers and they laid into me. I was uncharacteristically and stupidly off my game. Then even more stupidly, I begin tap dancing. Poorly. I justified not accepting Niven by saying he didn't play Bond, he was in fact Dutch and a muppet and blah, blah, blah, anything I could think of and it doesn't matter, because it wouldn't have changed the final results anyway... except it would have ... and there was one guy who knew that. Let's call him Mike.

Mike was not upset. He was livid. He was so very, very, very upset that his team did not win first place. Picture the scene: the game was over. People had left or were leaving. Winners had had their photo taken. Mike was still arguing his point to me. Repeatedly. I pointed out that the game was over, this whole thing was for charity, and did he happen to notice that the difference between first place and second place was the different number printed on the plastic trophies that were handed out? Who knows, maybe he had a side bet of $50k riding on this thing, but all I could see were the plastic trophies. Mike said that wasn't the point and proved the strength of his argument by ending with"The point is, you're an idiot."

Oh poor Mike. Look, dude, I'm sorry I screwed up. It happens. But calling people names never solved anything. In hindsight I could have whipped out make up questions, tie breakers, a whole bunch of things, but in my eagerness to get out of there (and I really did think it wasn't going to change the winners of the game), I decided to let it go. I'm sorry you couldn't. But if you're ever near the Pour House on a Tuesday, stop in and I'll buy you a beer. I hope that helps.

And if that's not good enough? Well, Mike, the jerk store called and they're all out of you.

Cheers,
Neal

PS: The evening was written up here by a cool lady from Legal Times named Attila. Fellas, if you ever meet a woman named Attila, don't let her get away.

GAME ONE

$30 Heart Medicine for $500 Alex 29

$20 Clavins 26

$10 Inventors of the Accu-Jac 24

Sub Prime Suspect 21
I'll Take a Massive Coronary for $200 Alex 18
Hillary Clinton's Dirty Panties 19
What is Alex Trebec's Pacemaker? 15
3 Ladies and No Right Answers 10
I'll Take Cardiac Arrest for 1000 16
Iraq me, Dave Petreus 19
The Internet if for Porn 21
Poor O at the Quiz House 13
I'll Take Heart Attacks for $200 18
Chick-Fil-Atio 17
Colorado Christians are Holier Than Thou 23

GAME TWO - Hanukkah Porn

$30 Clavins

Sammy Davis Jr.'s Cock Part 2 31
(Yes, one man, alone beat many teams of many... if only he had friends.)

Yarmulkum Shots: Volume 2 28

I Have a Little Dildo ... 23
Dick Cheese 19
The Bliss of the Mouth Bris 23
Debbie Does Moses25
The Wailing Balls 21
Deborah Does Jerusalem 25
Driedel Bangers and Donkey Punches 19
Long Dong Silverstein 21
Judah Maccabee and the Hanukkah Bush 18
2 Girls, 1 Yarmulke 16
Back Door Dreidels 9 19
Menoral Pleasures 27

December 4th

2007-12-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

Due to a deep holiday melancholy, I have nothing to offer here except the winners and losers. Enjoy (sigh) if you can.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS I Wish the Pour House Door Worked 35

$20 WINNERS Mohammed Ruxpin 32

$10 WINNERS So Tell Your Friend Veronica and Smoke your Marijuanica 31 (Tiebreak Winner)

The NIE Leaked Faster Than Ed Asner at a Scary Movie 31
Jason reads Judy Blume 31
Ironic Mustache Rides 50 cents 26
Steven Hawking's Karaoke Machine 26
Sexy Beasts 21
It's Colder Than Ann Coulter's Tit Outside 23
Clavins 28
Drink Your Gin and Tonica and Have a Happy Hanukkah 10
That's Not a Memorial in My Pocket, It's My Big Dreidel 23
Drink Your Gin and Tonica 21
Only 21 More Shopping Days until Alien vs. Predator II 30
Ramrod 7
Did You Know It's Hanukkah? 28
Pour O at the Quiz House 23

GAME TWO - NEW AMERICAN GLADIATOR NAME

$30 WINNERS Chlamydia 31

$20 WINNERS Jism 31

$10 WINNERS Macaca 30

Taint 30
Obama 22
Erection 29
Wintry Mix 24
The Santorum 29
2 Girls, 1 Cup 28
Nitrous Cockside 30
Snoogle Fleejer 28
Clavins 28
Toe Jam 29
Loopy 13
Sean Taylor 29

Dazed and Confused

2007-12-03T21:23:00.000-05:00

Weird things are afoot in my neighborhood. Our neighbor's house got broken into, another neighbor was mugged, there was a collision at our corner this weekend (ok, so, this happens all the time...) and there was an unconscious woman on my sidewalk Saturday. Yeah, that was a little different. Our friends Michael and Abby were expected for dinner and when they showed up a little late we were ready to give them a hard time. Best excuse ever for tardiness: "There's an unconscious person on your street, we called 9-1-1." There's a what? Where? What they thought was a big black trash bag on the sidewalk turned out to be a lady and they couldn't wake her up.

My first aid instincts kicked in! [I'm the designated First Aid/Safety Monitor on my floor at work. In four years I've only been called upon twice; once for a bleeding finger which I totally valiantly saved and once for a guy who passed out which I botched horribly. OK, I got the call 911 part right, but that was about it.] So, forgetting my first aid failure at work: my first aid instincts kicked in! What to do? I grabbed a blanket off my daughter's bed (one good enough to warm someone, but kind of small so it will be easy to clean later! I actually thought this...) and rushed outside. The unconscious person was no longer unconscious. I remembered from my training: consciousness for a previously unconscious person is a good thing! But apparently Michael couldn't get her to talk or acknowledge him in any way.

She was sitting up, almost cross-legged with the most dazed expression on a person's face I've ever seen. She was a twenty or thirty-something latina(?), dressed nicely, like to go out, with a buttoned up black coat. With her black hair I could see how she may have looked like a trash bag in the dark. It was pretty cold out, low 40's, it's a really good thing Michael and Abby found her. I wrapped the blanket around her and sat down on the sidewalk facing her. I gripped the blanket on both sides so if she flopped backwards I could hold her up and keep her head from smacking on the bricks. Again, my first aid instincts kicked in! "What's your name?" I asked. "shfege skjd lrtysghssss," she replied. It was clear she thought she was answering me, but nothing remotely coherent came out. I tried to keep her talking even if I couldn't understand her. Consciousness is good! I remembered. "shjkowpj sjhdy akjdg dkjdw," she continued. Was she drunk? Stoned? Assaulted? Crime had been up in the neighborhood. Maybe someone hit her on the head with a tire-iron scrambling her poor little brain. Hm, no blood. Come to think of it, no bag. How often does a woman go out but not carry a bag? Now I'm in some crime drama trying to piece the clues together. The clues that are right in front of everyone, but only I can put them all together.

Finally I ask, "Having you been drinking?" And although I don't know what she says and I don't smell a whiff of alcohol on her, her "sshjdos ak dlkewi" reply clearly is meant to mean "No shit, Sherlock." At this point she indicates her contempt for Michael, who's diligently looking out for the ambulance, by saying "dfgfsoih" and flipping him the bird. She seems to think about it and decides to flip it at me too. Now I feel like we're getting somewhere.

"Hey, I know what that means!" I I laugh and tell her not to worry, we're there to help her and she's going to be okay. Last thing I tried before EMS got there was to ask simpler questions. My initial barrage had been what's your name? what day is it? where are you going? etc, but none of her answers made sense. I realized simpler communication was in order. "Do you live in Washington, DC?" "SYhessh," she told me. Cool. "Do you live on Capitol Hill?" "Yehm." "Do you live on 10th Street (where we were at the time)?" and that's when the professionals rolled up. Just in time because I was running out of questions.

As the sirens and flashing lights approached my befuddled patient grabbed me hard with both hands as if to say "don't let them take me." I was sort of touched that she'd gone from flipping me off to seeing me as some sort of protector. The EMS guys were putting on rubber gloves and asking her much of the same questions I had when Abby found a cell-phone in the pile of dry leaves on the sidewalk. I had one more burst of detective-think "Aha! Her phone! With 2 missed calls! Clearly someone is trying to reach our victim here! In moments we can call them back and get much needed information on her!" But then I looked around. An ambulance, a firetruck and 5 EMS guys had arrived on the scene in less than 6 minutes from the time Michael called 911. I closed the phone and gave it to one of the guys as they moved her to the ambulance. I got to be the First Aid/Safety Monitor for the night. Someone else would have to play detective.

GAME ONE
FIRST PLACE $30:
Old Fart's Heart Gets Jump Start 32

SECOND PLACE $20
A Lotta Resigna 30

THIRD PLACE $10
Hulk Hogan Loses Custody of Right Half of Tank Tops 29

I Shot Sean Taylor 16
Sean Taylor's a Little too Good at Intercepting Projectiles 17
I Heart Tranny Hookers 24
Come On Feel My Pulse 27
Sean Taylor Got Shot? Who Saw That Coming? 25
Arctic Cruise Captains 18
Bills and the Over 24
Clavins 27
The Young and the Breastless 17
Is It Too Early for a Sean Taylor joke? 23
Blowin' me in the Wind 26
Warm Pile of Leftovers 27
The Wide Stance 18
Sean Taylor's Body Guards 20
0 for 10 13

GAME ONE - Ethnically Offensive Magazines
FIRST PLACE $30:
Washington Redskins Weekly

SECOND PLACE $20
Macaca Illustrated

THIRD PLACE $10
Wopular Machanics 29

Pictures: Niggas Can't Read 19
Macaca 22
Round Eye Can't Drive 18
Jewsweek 25
Camel Jockey Racing Form 26
Wetback Weekly 18
Clavins 20
Spics with Sticks: Hispanic Baseball Weekly 14
NY Review of Gooks 14
Ranger Spic 20
Jap Fancy 18
SuckaMacaca 26
Family Circle Jerk 19

Black Tuesday

2007-11-21T22:54:00.000-05:00

As usual, the Quizzo of Thanksgiving week was sad and empty. Barely more than a dozen teams and plenty of standing room. I arrived late and still left early. And if you'd been there you could have walked away with a win with fewer than 30 points. Well, granted, we had a lot of tough questions this week that kept the scores low: like what band released the Brown Album in 1997? and in what country do the Tigris and Euphrates originate? and who gave us this line in a 1994 movie: "You know, there's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you?" C'mon people, that's your wheelhouse, how do you miss that?

Anyway, despite the small numbers and the challenging game, it was still a fun time for all. So says I. Now I must go cover and store the corn pudding. (I'm not making this up) Happy Slapsgiving!

GAME ONE

First Place ($30) Can't Wait to Get My Hands on Grandma's Yams 33

Second Place ($20) Elbows Deep Turkey Fisters 31

Third Place ($10) Clavins 28

Truffle Shuffle 21
Cash Crop 8
Milk Duds for Jesus 10
The Rumble Strips 17
Touched by an Uncle 13
Stinky McStink Stink 20
The Flying Monkeys 26
Khmer Rouge? Is that a new lipstick? 17
El Fuego 17
The Turkeys the President Didn't Pardon 14
This Thanksgiving a Different Hokie Bird if Getting Stuffed 27

GAME TWO - The Best Part of Lindsay Lohan's 84 Minutes in Prison

First Place ($30) Bangin' on the Floor 27 (Tiebreak Weiners)

Second Place ($20) Finally Not Being the Skankiest Whore on the Block 27

Third Place ($10) Elbow Deep Turkey Fisting 26

Lohan Blows a She-man 22
Snorting Blow from Herbie's Trunk
Firecrotch Resistant Pantsuit 19
Clavins 25
Trading Beaver Shots for Lines of Coke 19
She Got Herpes the Love Bug 18
Jailpony 14
Filmed 3 Shower Scenes for Caged Heat IV 25
Pooping a Cocaine Condom 22

Don't You Forget About Me

2007-11-14T22:24:00.001-05:00

Entertainment Weekly's Top 50 High School Movies: This was the halftime show this week and let's face it, it was a tasty one. Obviously, like all of these kinds of lists created by VH1 and TV Guide and whatnot, it means nothing. A panel of editors or readers or whoever was polled to come up with the list and it's meant to provoke conversations and arguments. What do you mean Sixteen Candles is at #49? How could Varsity Blues not make the list? (As we discussed, it didn't because, um, it sucks).

What's really shocking about the list is not the absence of Footloose or the inclusion of Bye, Bye Birdie (oh please), but it's how many of these films I know intimately and truly adore. There are John Hughes' greatest hits including the aforementioned 16 Candles, Pretty in Pink (#26), FBDO (#10, Leisure Rules!) and, of course, The Breakfast Club (#1) and it would be hard to argue supplanting any of the top ten: Dazed and Confused, Heathers, American Graffiti, Clueless, etc. OK, maybe Boyz in da Hood shouldn't be that high, but even though I wouldn't call it a high school movie per se, it is still a fantastic movie. Too bad John Singleton didn't have another great movie in him...

But I want to throw out some quick shout outs to some other movies, the deeper cuts if you will, that you may not be too familiar with. Please add these to your Netflix queue for the next time you want some perfect coming of age flick to sweep you away to the childhood you never had...

#16: LUCAS Little Corey Haim, little Winona Ryder, hell even little Charlie Sheen are all great, great, great in this movie. I defy anyone to watch this thing and not get a lump in your throat when the jock starts the slow clap at the end as Lucas dons his letterman jacket. Oh, did I give that away? No matter. I know it's always coming and it still always gets me. (BTW, don't search for "Lucas" in Google images with the filter turned off unless you want to see lots of gay porn. Who knew?)

#43 STAND AND DELIVER. To hell with Dead Poets Society (#20, Hah!) and Robin Williams' saccharine coated prep schoolmaster. Give me Edward James Olmos as Jaime Escalante and a bunch of kid actors you've never seen before and will never see again (sorry Lou Diamond Phillips) in this gritty, real, heart-warming true story set in the barrios of South L.A. This one still holds up. Fill the hole.

#45 MY BODYGUARD. Probably a little dated now, but the names of Ricky Linderman (Adam Baldwin), Peachy (Chris Makepeace, where'd that kid go?) and Moody (Matt Dillon-scariest bully ever) still bring me back to being 11 and scared to death/fascinated by kids going to school in a City. Sure didn't look like my school, but I recognized the whole hope-I-don't-get-beat-up-today vibe that permeates the movie. Let's just say it spoke to me. Look for a young, horrifically awkward Joan Cusack.

#46 FLIRTING. You haven't seen this one. That's okay. SEE IT. The box art tries to play up Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts, who are good of course, but it's all about Noah Taylor and Thandie Newton who are charming and sweet and lovely as teenagers discovering first love and first sex in the repressive atmosphere of an Australian boarding school. Trust me. You will love this movie. Wonderful. Wonderful. Wonderful.

#31/#48 Billy Zabka. OK, maybe Dillon's bully scared me, but Zabka's bullies kick ass. His fine work in The Karate Kid and Just One of the Guys (not to mention Back to School, not eligible for this list) deserves special mention. The guy's a legend. And he directed this music video for a song called "Sweep the Leg" that is sublime in its pop and pop culture deliciousness. Treat yourself. Now. It is so worth the brain calories.

GAME ONE
C'mon Take the Uniform Off - I Just Want to Cuddle 37

Bhutto's in the Home - Where She Belongs! 33 (Tiebreak winners)

The Other Four Limbs 33

Hilary's Campiagn Planted Tonight's Quizzo Questions 14
Predatory Leaders 31
The Whiskey Dicks 24
Balls Deep 28
No Talent ass Clowns 21
Clavins 28
Wu Tang Financial 30
Our Money is on Britney in the Speed Round 30
Benazir in the Bhutto 21
OJ's Alibi 18
Drunk Dorks 23
Trivia? We're Here to Meet Kucinich's Hot Wife 30
Flying Monkeys 27
The Spider Pigs 19
Kanye's Mom is so Ugly... 29

GAME TWO - HIGH SCHOOL THEMED PORN

Back to the Pooper 32

Splendor in the Ass (Schwartz') 31

Pretty Deep in Pink 30

My Bodyguard's Cock 27
Splendor in the Ass 24
Flute my Pussy, Bitch 17
Hairy Twatter 16
Study Hard: Gotta Get Into College Girls 18
Every Porno I Have is About High School Kids 17
Grease 15
Clueless, Ass If 15
Debbie Does Long Division 17
Clavins 27
Kneel and Deliver 24
Fast Times at - oh, sorry babe 23
Fiday Night red Light 26
Penis and Vagina 16
Varsity Blue Balls 21

Catching Up At Last

2007-11-13T12:18:00.000-05:00

For the first time in blog history, we will skip an entry. Here's the thing - October 30 is a blur (literally, in the case of the pictures). Beer was consumed. Silly hats were worn. Good times. Enough said.

Eric, who filled in for us last week while Neal was working and I was ailing, has kindly summarized his experience below. Many thanks to Eric and Bettina for keeping things going in our absence. Go Team Fo!

See you kids tonight at the Pour House.

***
It's a long and boring story how I came to host Quizzo, but hey, I've got nothing better to do... Originally, our multi-talented scorebabe Rebecca was on tap to step in for Neal, and our winsome coworker was set to act as replacement scorebabe. It would've been good times. (see Fig. 1, Topless Pillow Fight) Unfortunately for everyone, Rebecca was laid low by illness caught on the frozen steppes of Miami, Florida, and a new Quizzo Master was needed. I was tending my plow on a farm in Tuscany when the Racioppo legation approached bearing the laurel wreath of the Imperator Quizzonis. I would assume command of the campaign against the hordes of Capitol Hill, as long as I returned to my bar stool once it was over. After a moment of stoic contemplation, I accepted with a heavy heart.

Heh. Who am I kidding, I was pumped.

So yeah, there was indeed a vast barbarian horde of trivia-goers, and most of you actually stayed to the end. You have my thanks, because keeping this game moving, while getting everyone's score and team name correct, is a little tough. It also doesn't help when Neal gives me incorrect answers. On purpose. Jerk.

There were an inordinate number of tie scores in this game. I've since lost the tiebreaker results, so I'll trust you guys to remember if you won or not. Thanks everyone, for a pleasant emceeing experience!

I almost forgot to thank my winsome scorebabe for the evening, Bettina, who took the job despite my burgeoning megalomania.

GAME 1:
We Have No Name Because Our Writers Are on Strike - 25
Bettina's Half-Assed Bitches - 24
By the Many Arms of Baby Vishnu! - 17
Lowered Expectations - 30
Britney's Legal Team - 12
The Writer Who Normally Chooses Our Team Name is on Strike - 36 (1st place in Quizzo and awkwardly-phrased team name)
Just the Tip - 25
Peter Nincompoop 2K7 - 9
Tip Your Waiter, You Cheap Bastards - 26
Only Pakistan Needs Democracy - 20
Beancounterz - 24
Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber - 29
Shakespeare is Overrated - 30
Good Guys, Hot Girls, Hotter Bouncers - 29
[Intentionally Left Blank, Writers on Strike] - 30
Our 8-legged Babies - 23
Soul Ponies - 14

GAME 2 (What is Neal doing that's so important instead of hosting Quizzo?)
Scorebabe and Sister - 28
Wondering Why You Wait So Fucking Long Between Rounds - 6 [Bite me - ed.]
Peter Nincompoop 2k7 - 16
Hello, My Name Is... - 11
Lovin' Labia's Lost - 28
Teabagging Avery Brooks - 28
Nailing Scorebabe's Sister - 30 (1st)
Taking in More Seamen than the Naval Yard - 30
Trying to Get a Real Job - 28
Waterboarding the Other Scorebabe - 28
Your Mom - 22
Beancounterz - 21
Fluffing Chuck Norris - 26
Pimping Marlowe to the Idealist for $10 - 24
Better Late than Pregnant - 4

Battle of the Nerds

2007-11-06T20:57:00.000-05:00

It may be hard to believe, but sometimes outside groups pay to have Neal and me all to themselves. On October 24, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute's alumni group hosted a trivia night for RPI and other tech school alums, so we tarted ourselves up and headed over to Gordon Biersch with some of our best extra geeky questions. It was great fun watching a bunch of tech school types have it dawn on them that the answer to the infamous Star Wars question is simply pi. Of course, they felt the need to write it out past the thousandths spot. Nerds!

Seriously though, it was a fun gig. Thanks for having us, guys!

RPI - Larry Craig's Tapdancers 27

Where's the Beer? 27

Gordon Biersch Meet Gordon Ramsay 26

Smarter Than Bush & Better Shot Than Dick 25
Topers 22
Chairman of the Board 19
Nothing Beats Rock 25

Dumbledore's Army - Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2007-11-06T20:46:00.001-05:00

October 23, 2007. Fires ravaged California, and the world was still reeling from Dumbledore's outing. Is it me or does this seem way longer ago than two weeks?

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS - It's Not Genocide If They're Saying No In Your Language 29

$20 WINNERS - Idiots On the Nerd Patrol 27 (tie break winners)

$10 WINNERS - Jen & Eddie Are Hitched! 27 (tie break winner-losers)

Dumble-in-the-back-door 27 (tie break losers)
Wal-mart Security 23
Oppo 20
Clavins 26
Kid Rock Should Have Gone to Chatskis [sic] 25
Bad Parents 11
Pat Robertson Says South Beach Is Next 25
BIRD 16
Forecast Calls for Golden Showers 15
I'm Gone for Three Years, And the Clavins Are Still Here 23
Pinky & the Brains-ah 18
Malibu Fire Department Only Uses Cristal 21
Baby Cheetahs 17
Maliburn Beach 21
Chuck Norris Doesn't Vote for President 20

GAME TWO (next fictional character to be outed)

$30 WINNERS - Jesus 31

$20 WINNERS - Captain Morgan 30 (tie break winners)

$10 WINNERS - The Beloved Prophet Muhammad 30 (tie break losers)

Clavins 26
Winnie-the-Pooh 21
Frodo Baggins 15
Moby Dick in a Box 23
Frodo Baggins: Ring Bearer, Ass Plunger 19
E.T. . . . ouch! 14
Snuffle-suck-agus 21
G.I. Joe (to get out of Iraq) 13
Walker Texas Ranger
Frodo Bags Hims 21
Stuart Not-So Little 22
Dildo Faggins 27
Dick Cheney 8

The best part of October 23 was that my college friends were visiting. We used to play Quizzo at New Deck in Philadelphia back in the day. Good times. Here I am with three Van Dorpes and a Welfer, some of whom have trouble keeping their eyes open.

Long Time Gone

2007-11-06T20:38:00.000-05:00

Hi all. Score Babe here, apologizing for the two week break we've taken from the blog. As you likely know, Neal is very busy these days with the opening of the brand spanking new Harman Center for the Arts. Hell, I hardly see him, and we live together. It's exciting stuff, though, and I promise Daddy still loves you.

As for our absence tonight, Neal is off at work again, and I'm home with a mercifully mild flu. In addition to gorging myself on daytime TV (thank you, Lifetime), I finally watched Harold and Maude, which was really charming and funny (sort of like The Graduate with a heart). It made me feel much better about the 8 years separating Neal and me.

I'm going to do my best to catch up the blog tonight, but I'll likely mix up photos and team names. Remember, I'm sick. So be kind.

Stay well, kids!

Happiness is a Warm Cliche

2007-10-20T18:58:00.000-04:00

Just got back from the multiplex and I have to share: You can skip Across the Universe. Julie Taymor is clearly talented (witness Frida, the first five minutes of The Lion King, um, did I already say Frida?), but her new movie is a mess: A grand collision of clever ideas and oh so tedious cliches, lessening the impact of the former and underscoring the wretchedness of the latter.

In no particular order, the ten best things about Julie Taymor's Across the Universe.

1. Selma Hayek's cameo... (wait for it) in a hot nurse outfit... (wait for it) replicated through the magic of special effects so that there are one, two, three, four, FIVE of her.

2. I saw Sean Penn. He was at the E Street Cinema for a special screening of Into the Wild. He was coming in as we were going out. I stopped him and we chatted about the state of cinema in America today, good Chinese restaurants in San Francisco and the Bush administration's failed foreign policy (I said, "They have one?" "Nice one, bro," Sean replied, "Up high!" and then we high-fived.) He's stopping by later tonight for drinks... OK, most of this wasn't true. But he was there.

3. Prudence was portrayed as a cute lesbian with a birthmark on her lip. Revolutionary.

4. Eddie Izzard continues his unparalleled success of being outstanding (or at least pretty good) in really crap movies. Additionally, Eddie's portrayal of Mr. Kite allows him to say that he's performed a role on screen originated by George Burns. Perhaps an Oh, God! remake isn't too far off?

5. I saw Evan Rachel Wood's boob. I chatted with it for a bit in the lobby about Sean Penn. It's pretty, but a little dumb.

6. Bono does a great Robin Williams impersonation.

7. The Joe Cocker "Come Together" sequence stands out like a perfect little 1980's music video (think Billy Joel's "Keepin' the Faith" video with better production values) to bridge the gap between the slow beginning of the movie and the dull middle and end parts. Joe Cocker is still the man; "Come Together" is the only song from the soundtrack I'd ever want to hear again.

8. Bread and Puppet Theatre is utilized and that's cool. I assume I could do a few seconds of Internet research and see if that's where Ms. Taymor got her start, but that would mean I care. I mean, I'm sure they've worked together in the past and I'm glad their work is put in the film because that's some of the best stuff.

9. Speaking of puppets, it's good to know black people can still be used as puppets to illicit an emotional response. Similar to the way that lone black man shows up out of nowhere for thirty seconds of screen time at the Lincoln Memorial in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, so too can an angel faced 10-year-old black boy sing "Let It Be" in the middle of a horrifying inner-city riot scene (the burning shell of a car he's crouched next to is truly gorgeous) in order to illicit that knee-jerk lump in our throats. Why show genuine interest in the African-American experience when you can trot them out as noble symbols instead?

10. Lastly, "Across the Universe" is still one of my favorite Beatles songs despite this movie.

Hack Smack

2007-10-17T22:54:00.000-04:00

Adrian Fenty just earned my vote. When can I vote for him again? Can I vote now? Under pressure of a deadline he made the decision today to force DC taxi's to make the switch from their "rare zone system" (i.e. totally retarded) to the metered system used by, um, every other taxi system on the planet Earth. Of course the cabbies are up in arms over this change, but you know what, I don't care. If you count the number of people in The District who are cabbies and the number of people who ride in cabs, you'll find the cab users are in the majority (hooray!) and we all want to know what our fare is without having to do algebra.

Yes, yes, I'm capable of simple math, but I work hard all day and I don't need the added stress of trying to figure out how much I owe at the end of a cab ride. Every ride turns into a D&D campaign: two zones ($8.80, during rush hour (+ 1.50), with one extra passenger (+1), carrying an Elvish stunning wand (+2) against a level 6 troll (-3) blah, blah, blah... just put an LED display in front of me and call it done. And who hasn't ridden in a cab after they've had a few too many only to discover your ride is waaaaaay more pricey than you thought it would be, but you're waaaaaay to drunk to coherently argue and you're suddenly waaaaay more broke than you thought you'd be at the end of the night. I'm not saying all DC hacks will take advantage of you, but come on, there are plenty who do. Sure, they'll still find ways to rip off the tourists once the meters are installed (no, truly my friend, you must go through Georgetown to get from Lincoln Memorial to White House), but at least this gives the Griswalds a fighting chance.

There's even talk of a taxi-strike. I say go for it, Johnny. I don't think it will cripple DC for an instant. First off, while not perfect, the Metro does get people cross town fairly well, we've got Flexcars and Zipcars popping up all over town (I myself, am a Zipster, god help me for writing that), and, people, it may be mid-October but it's 80 degrees outside: walking and biking are perfectly acceptable options. "But Neal," you say (which you're not, because you totally agree with me and you're not a cabbie or stupid), "what about all those high-powered politicos who have to get from The Hill to Old Ebbitt Grill stat!" Don't worry about them. They've got more taxpayer money than they know what to do with. Amongst they're own personal cars, the private towncars and limos not to mention all the interns and staff they can piggyback on, they'll get around our cozy little city just fine. You know it.

A strike would last two weeks. Tops. Trust me.

And if I'm wrong I'll just check out my Zipcar for a few hours and make a fortune as a gypsy cab. Just so long as you don't mind that the car not having a meter...

GAME ONE
$30 WINNERS - THE COURT CHANGED MY NAME TO HEYWOOD JABLOWME (ed. note - all those Quizzo smarts and such a lousy team name)

$20 WINNERS - DA CLAVINZ

$10 WINNERS - BUSH DEMANDS NOBEL RECOUNT

GAME TWO - WORST POSSIBLE HALLOWEEN COSTUME THIS YEAR

$30 WINNERS - DA CLAVINZ

$20 WINNERS - SCOREBABE'S SISTER

$10 WINNERS - NEAL IN A BOX (3-WAY TIEBREAK WINNERS)

PSA from Hell

2007-10-10T21:18:00.001-04:00

Like a lot of you, I grew up on TV. A lot of what I know at Quizzo I know from watching hours and hours and hours of good, fair and crappy TV. And yes, there's a place in my heart for all of it. And, as we all know, thanks to a government ruling, for stations to keep their licenses there has to be a certain percentage of educational programming every week and to maintain this standard a lot of PSAs are run. Without this government interference with our lives we may never have had PSAs from McGruff the Crime Dog taking a bite outta crime, Woodsy Owl (Give a Hoot! Don't Pollute!), Time for Timer making us a wagon wheel (with nutritious cheese!) or G.I. Joe telling us about fire safety.
The messages were simple: eat healthy, don't litter, cross at the corner, and knowing is half the battle.

When I got older the PSAs took on a less didactic quality and starting tackling weightier issues. We got a fried egg sizzling in a pan and knew that that's what would happen to our brains if we did drugs. The ad was little heavy-handed, but quite effective. We could all probably quote the ad almost verbatim. Of course, years later, to illustrate the effects of heroin a young Rachel Leigh Cook smashed up her whole kitchen with a freaking frying pan. Wait a minute, heroin? A PSA about heroin? Where'd Woodsy Owl go?

Now I'm an adult and I find the PSAs are still aimed squarely at me. The ads that used to be aimed at kids trying to teach them how to be good kids are now aimed at adults trying to teach us how to be good adults. Talk to your kids about drugs, you're the grown-up: you set the limits and your kids will respect you!, make sure your kids get art (such a great spot. Alec Baldwin's narration is delightful, but that kid from Oliver Beene talking in a monotone about his day at school just kills).

But my love of these subtle and not-so-subtle PSAs got a little too up in my grill this weekend as I sat on the couch with my 11 year-old daughter watching football. Yes, we love football. And right in the middle of the Redskins' thrashing of Detroit we get a spot filled with cute kids both older and younger than my daughter looking right in the camera urging moms and dads across the nation to talk to them about ... sex. Talk to us about sex before we have sex so we know more about sex when we have the sex. Please mom and dad, tell us about sex. Blah, blah, blah. Sex, sex, sex. I know the spot was only 30 seconds long but it felt like a year. We sat, frozen, taking in this important message, not daring to acknowledge that it was talking to us about... sex. Dirty, freaky, life-giving, disease-spreading, putting his you-know-what in her you-know-where sex, sex, SEX!

So I did what any courageous, loving father would do. I took a deep breath. I muted the TV. I turned to face her. The slight bemusement drained from her face leaving only stark fear. "Charlotte..." I began, as she opened her mouth in a silent scream of horror, "I understand that throughout your life you may want to discuss certain subjects with certain people, and I know that I will never, ever, ever be the person that you want to discuss sex with ... and I'm okay with that."

She breathed a sigh of relief and laughed, "No problem, Dad."

And then we watched more football. We love football.

$30 WINNERS - Clavins 34

$20 WINNERS - Hasselhoff Can Knight Ride My Face 33

$10 WINNERS - Eddie's Getting Married Saturday, So He Needs the Pitcher Now 32 (tie break winner)

Yankees Suck! 20
Two Asians, An Arab, and An Immigration Office 14
The Blackwater Memo: It's Killer Time 32 (tie break loser)
Poor-o At The Quiz House 25
Tip Your Fucking Server 29
Verno Whitney 24
Bronson Pinchot 20
PETA Stole Britney's Rabbit 23
Team A 20
Dude, Where's Our School Bus? 23
Pull The Fucking Parachute Cord, People 32 (tie break loser)
Isiah Thomas's Sexual Advances! 23
Yankees Can't Handle Ants In Their Pants 22
Joanie Loves Trivia 28
J 20

$30 WINNER - Clavins 33 (tie break winner)

$20 WINNER - She's No Tyson But You Can See Her Box 33 (tie break loser)

$10 WINNER - The Drawbridge Is Rusty But It Still Goes Down 32

Backdoor = No Babies 20
She Did Alien & Predator 25
KY + 88 Is The New 28 22
Your Daddy Got Her For A Dollar 12
She Had More British Troops Pulled Out of Her Than Iraq 29
Mommy, Rebecca Stole My Vibrator 28
The Third & Fourth Most Visited Mountains: On Becca's Sister's Chest 27
She Prefers Spit To Lube 24
Bust A Nut In Her Butt 19
Sister on Sister on Quizzomaster on Alexander Hamilton 16
Nicest! Sister! Ever! 13
Hey You, I Pulled Out . . . Psych 15
Twice the Whips, Twice the Chains, Twice the Fantasies in Neal's Head 23

Young and Old are Different

2007-10-03T21:32:00.000-04:00

Ah, the changing of the seasons. You know summer's officially over when all the Griswalds evacuate the city and the newest batch of fresh intern gravy is ladled over The Hill. They come shiny-faced and eager not realizing that the only interns who ever make a mark in this city do so through sex scandals, corruption investigations and mysterious disappearances.

We have nights with new teams, new blood keeps the bar interesting, but usually we have enough vets there to break 'em in. That was the oddest part. We had scads of newbies and scarcely a familiar face. Was there a memo we missed? Perhaps all the kids scared them away? I only say "kids" because they weren't alive when Goonies came out, find a way to spell "pendulum" with a "G" in the middle and a number of them guessed a picture of Eddie Murphy in a space suit (from Pluto Nash) is from 2001: A Space Odyssey. "Omigod, is Quizzo always this hard?!" No, sweetie, just when you're here.

I confess the evening did skew a tad older than usual with a preponderance of classic rock questions. It wasn't meant to be a theme or anything; just sometimes my pre-Quizzo question randomizer is a little off. Speaking of classic rock, I took a flight recently on ATA airlines (crappy but cheap airline; we realized recently though that all airlines are pretty crappy these days, so it makes sense to go as cheap as you can) and in the in-flight magazine they have that page in the back that lists all the radio playlists. And they're all broken down by category: Classical Showcase, Jazz Sensations and the like. And there was the obligatory category cleverly called Oldies but Goodies. Are you ready to feel old? This list not only included Duran Duran, Alanis Morisette and A-Ha, but also Oasis, R.E.M. and Radiohead to name but a few. Again I ask, did we miss a memo? Don't get me wrong, I'm delighted to see favorite artists get their songs played (like anyone would actually listen to an in-flight music list when all the world has an iPod product), but I felt a wee offended that songs that came out in the 90's after I graduated from college now qualify as Oldies. Group these under 80's hits or Modern Cheese if you must, but not Oldies. To add insult to musical injury: the tracks they offered were in no way the Goodies. The A-Ha pick wasn't Take on Me, it was The Sun Always Shines on Television and the Duran Duran hit was ... Skin Trade? What the fuck is that? At least pull out some New Moon on Monday or Wild Boys or Save a Prayer or something that makes me say to myself "oh my, that song is an oldie, but you know, it sure is a goodie..." Sheesh. If I had dander, it would be up. It's no wonder all the new kids visiting Quizzo try my rapidly aging patience.

Why back in my day...

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS - Britney & K-Fed: God's Argument for Abortion 32

$20 WINNERS - I Left My Pants At Your Mom's House 31

$10 WINNERS - Clavins

? 13
Anita Hill Intern So I Can Sell My Book, Too 20
Maybe We'll See the Wedding in Night Vision 23
Poor-o at the Quizzo House 26
Marsha Stuck in Her Thumb and Pulled Out Eve's Plum 29
Not Last (Hopefully) 18
Damn Leg Is Mine, Bitch! 26
Anal Bum Cover 24
It's Because I'm Blackwater, Isn't It? 19
Don't Drink the Blackwater 25
Oops . . . I Lost My Kids 19
Late Comers 28

GAME TWO - What would you get Pamela Anderson for a wedding gift?

$30 WINNERS - Long Term Memory 38 (tie break winners)

$20 WINNERS - Clavins 38 (tie break winner-losers)

$10 WINNERS - His & Hers Abortion Kits 38 (tie break losers)

Cipro 33
One Night In Paris 21
Dignity 35
How To Be An Heiress by Paris Hilton 20
Antibiotics 34
Herpes 20
A Tighter Cunt 33
A Fondue Pot 14
Divorce Papers 29
A Third Tittie 28
Hepatitus B 25
Penicillin 25
Hasselhoff's Cock 25

Six years of bitching and moaning

2007-09-26T22:47:00.001-04:00

So where the hell have I been? Do you know? Do you care? (A Phil Collins song, yes? Discuss.)

It's been an odd month. I had surgery. (here's a picture of me shaved down, ladies. Enjoy.) And yes, it takes three holes to take out one appendix nowadays. Inflation I guess. Then I got a little sick. Then I went back to Cali for my high school reunion. Then I got really super sick. But now I'm all better. I know this is all very fascinating... and through it all work has been the busiest its ever been (literally) in the 6 years I've been here. (Oh, quick plug: there's a Pay-What-You-Can matinée performance of The Taming of the Shrew this Sunday at 2:00. If you have a hankering for inexpensive classic theatre, come on down and pay as much or as little as you see fit. You cheap bastards.)

Speaking of being here six years, yes last week was our/my six year anniversary of doing Quizzo at the Pour House. I was supposed to start 9/11/01 but a terrorist attack in New York and at the Pentagon happened. Did you read about that? Anyway, I started a week after that with four teams (three of which were groups from work, thanks for the support!) and I didn't have a microphone and I just stood in the middle of the bar yelling questions at people. Did it like that for about four months before someone thought to get me a mike. Shortly thereafter I got a scorebabe which is way cooler than a mike. The game was pretty much the same as it is now, but there was no theme-name round, no half-time show and all the speed rounds were made of wood. The bar was a little crazier then. Ladies used to flash for bonus points, we used to have free rounds of shots for the speedround winners and on more than one occasion the evening ended with ladies dancing on the bar. Well, at least for our six year anniversary we did get one brave young lady named Layla to dance on the bar for us (pictured here).

I'm not saying it was better in the past, just different.

The staff still changes from time to time, but the bartenders and servers have almost all been uniformly great (if they're not, they usually don't last long). We've had lots of regulars. I know a lot of you think you're the most die hard team we've ever had, but there were really great die hard teams before you (The Regulars, Mama Sharkey's crew, e.g.) and there will be new die hard teams when you eventually move on. We won't mind, we'll probably still be here.

Frankly, I don't know how much longer I'll be doing Quizzo. I hope to God I won't be doing it six more years from now and yes, every now and then I entertain the idea of just signing off at the end of a really good night with a "so long, suckers!" and just never come back. But I also know, I like the crowd, I like the money, I like rocking the mike and I like knowing no matter how bad my day was (and I do come in to the bar a little grumpy sometimes), I know that after a few rounds of questions and a few rounds of beers I'll forget all about my boss, my bills, my problems for at least a little while. And that's usually reason enough to keep me coming back. Thanks for a great six years everybody.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNER - Ah-madinejad? No, You're Adinejad! 34

$20 WINNER - Persian Rug Munchers 33

$10 WINNER - Hey, It's Enrico Palazzo! 32

Iranian Rainbow Coalition 26
Krodgblat 26
Raiding the Holocaust Museum with OJ and Ahmadinejad 27
At Least He Went Quietly 27
J 25
Ahmadinejad's Boy Toys 29
Red-Headed Jew 19
Necrophilia: the Victimless Crime 30
Jack Bauer Didn't Drive Drunk, He's Infiltrating Yakuza 30
The Rogue Nipples 15
Chicken Out 15
Ahmadinejad Secretly Loved Showtunes 15

GAME TWO (Favorite L Words)

$30 WINNER - Ligers 35

$20 WINNER - Liechtenstein 24

$10 - Leering, Leprous, Lascivious Leprechauns 31

Lickalotapus 29
La'crodgbladt 27
Lieutenant Dan's Legs 29
Lick My Balls 29
Chicken Out 23
Lugubriously 27
Love's Labia Lost
Liberace's Lithe In Iran 24
L-ien 29
Lesbians Love Leftover Labia 24
Lost (cubed) 21
Loopy 13
No Name 14
Energy 15

Better Late Than Pregnant

2007-09-23T14:04:00.000-04:00

Oh, we've been bad little bloggers, haven't we? The busy season has begun for the Shakespeare Mafia, and we're sorry to have neglected you, our dear little quizzlings. Here are the names, scores, and pictures for September 11, 2007. Happy birthday again, Ludacris and guy who gave us delicious cake.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS - Not the First Man Hillary Left in the Fetal Position and Won't Be the Last 31

$20 WINNERS - Never Forget September 11 . . . Is Ludacris's Birthday 30 (tie break winner)

$10 WINNERS - Today Is My Birthday . . . Why Is Everyone So Sad? 30 (tie break loser)

John's Night Out 15
The Taliban: Still "Just for Men" 25
It's Over - the Fat Lady "Sang" 18
My Friends Suck 15
Pillsbury Dough Girls 15
When You Canceled Trivia, the Terrorists Won 29
Three Finger Ass Slap 18
Britney Got Fat - the Terrorists Have Won 29
Poor-o at the Quiz House 14
All By Myself 11
Free Speech Pony 18
Clavins 28
Sparkly Panties 29

GAME TWO (theme: what will Neal learn at his reunion)

$30 WINNERS - Fat, Drunk, & Stupid Is A Way to Go Through Life 29

$20 WINNERS - 99 Problems: Trivia Ain't One 25

$10 WINNERS - You Only Have One Daughter! 23
(or maybe it was Alien Beat Predator 23 - either way, no pictures were taken)

Jungle Fever 10
One 14
Your Prom Date Brought Her 20 Year Old Son 19
Everyone Looks the Same, Just . . . Swelled 16
Delirium Tremens 19
Remember That Time in Woodshop? Yeah, His Name's Billy 16
Shakespeare Still Gets You No Pussy 17
Neal's Prom Dress Still Fits! 15
Clavins 22
You: Still A Virgin 22
Aborted Fetus 14

Now We Are Six

2007-09-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

Happy birthday, Quizzo!

GAME ONE

$30 WINNER – La Reconquista 44

$20 WINNER – On the Sixth Day, Neal Created Quizzo . . . Also, OJ! 38

$10 WINNER – After Six Years, We Got Nothing 35

The Juice Is No Longer Loose 23
Vick In A Box 19
It’s Been Six Years and Scorebabe Still Won’t Do Anal! 31
Will Six Years Get the Pour House and Ring? 18
Bill Belichick: If I Did It 31
Swiftboat Veterans for Tazering Bitches 31
Little Lebowski Urban Achievers 14
After Further Review, Belachick Still a Dick 26
If the Hoody Fits, You Must Acquit 31
Withdrawal – Good for Catholics, Bad for Iraq 29
National League Is Bush League 17
Clavins 34
Sarah Likes Bikes 20
Nikki Sixxers 28
MFK 16
My Codpiece Smells Like Febreeze 18

If You Get Tasered Questioning Kerry, Do You Get the Chair for Questioning Bush? 15

GAME TWO (Sixth Anniversary Present)

$30 WINNER – Threesome With Jenna Von Oy 45

$20 WINNER – All Six Holes Filled! 41

$10 WINNER – A Six Pack of Miller High Life 40

A Divorce 36

Alien V. Predator: the Director’s Cut 38
A Stripper 22
Threesome With Another Guy 30
A Seventh Anniversary 23
Cunnilingus: Also A Cure for the Common Appendectomy 33
You Mean Besides Six Blow Jobs from the Scorebabe? 26
Clavinz 35
Who Brought the Black Guy? 26
Rose O’Donnell Wearing Nothing But A Ribbon 33
A Text Message Saying “It’s Over” 24
More Than the Average Six Inches 35
If I Did It, I Wouldn’t Tell You 15
A Clue 33

It Ain't Easy Being Scorebabe

2007-09-08T20:34:00.000-04:00

Okay, that isn’t entirely true. Being Scorebabe primarily involves making self-deprecating comments about my (largely fictional) sexual preferences and doing grade school level math while tipsy. And belching. All of these things are, in fact, easy. Still, when my job expands to encompass Quizzomaster duties, the stakes are raised. Considerably.

For all the shit you give him, you love Neal. Hell, I love Neal. Everyone loves Neal. He’s lovable. Hitching my wagon to Neal’s star has been a lesson in humility. My nephew Scott broke my heart one Christmas by greeting me not with “Hey Becca!” but “Where’s Neal?” After years of starring in The Rebecca Show, I’ve been demoted to a supporting role in a charming spin off entitled Neal! And I’m comfortable with that - so much so that when I have to do something like oh, I don’t know, host Quizzo maybe, it’s a bit daunting. I am the Gracie to Neal’s George Burns, and I’m sure Gracie would have freaked out a little if someone had handed her a cigar and pushed her out on stage alone.

Still, I feel Tuesday went well. Not Neal well, but well enough. The vast majority of you are very supportive, and I thank you for it. You really do need to work on the heckler heckling, though. Seriously, when all I’m coming up with is crap like “hey, angry corner girl,” you’ve got to step up.

Before your scores, I must give a shout out to Andy, who is a fantastic co-host (and a great host in his own right). Oh, and Neal is recovering nicely. He should be back next week!

GAME ONE

$30 Winner – Save Ferris/Neal 34

$20 Winner – So We Are Calling Rehab Appendicitis Now? 32

$10 Winner – Clavinz 31

Phil Beats Tiger, Craig Jealous 30
Take Off Your Pants and Jacket 22
Appalachia Rises Again 27
If An Appendectomy Will Help My Looks, Sign Me Up 24
Team At the Bar 20
We’re A Come From Behind Team & That’s the Way Larry Craig Likes It 28
Baby Pony 3.9455 26
No Sex in the Champagne Room, the Men’s Room Is Right Around the Corner 30
Where in the World Is Steve Fossett? 28
Push Push In the Bush 19
Poor-o At the Quiz House 27
MFK 21

GAME TWO (Recovery Advice for Neal)

$30 Winner – Keep a Narrow Stance 33 (tie-break winner)

$20 Winner – Clavins 33 (tie-break loser)

$10 Winner –Blow Jobs Are High in Potassium 31

Team At the Bar 21
Coupla Needles In the Ass 12
Cunnilingus 24
Revenge Is Sweet: Don’t Put Topless Photos of Your Daughter Online 27
Hide Scorebabe’s Strap-on Or Use Extra Lube 21
Don’t Dry Hump Til 10 Days After 25
Baby Pony 3.9455 23
$500 & a Good Night on K Street 24
One Dose of Scorebabe 2x Daily 26
Only Bone Doggie Style 28
Codeine, Codeine, Codeine 30

Daddy Plays Rough

2007-08-30T11:08:00.000-04:00

I was a stay at home dad for my daughter when she was 2 and 3. We were rough-housers. She loved to wrestle and be thrown around. She used to hold my hands and then walk up my legs and chest, kick off and do a backflip. She was fearless. One ritual she always enjoyed was after a bath when I was toweling her off she liked it when I rolled her up in her towel, held her over the bed and then, with a quick snap, unfurled her into the pillows. It made bath time easier knowing there was to be this fun being thrown around moment at the end. Whee!

One evening, post-bath, I've got my three year-old rolled up in a fluffy Blues Clues terrycloth about to unroll her onto the bed when my wife walks in. "What are you doing?" she asks. "This is what we do," I explain, "She loves it." Charlotte, wide-eyed, eagerly confirms, "It's fun!" Melissa, with a look of doubt in her eye, steps back to see what exactly is so fun about throwing a child across the room. So, I enthusiastically unfurl and you the reader being a smart cookie, must see exactly where this is going.

She hits the bed just like she's supposed to, but the God of Chaos is passing by and decides to have fun. Instead of rolling smoothly right up to the soft pillows by the headboard, her feet stick magically to the bedspread and her body rolls in a perfect arc, like a windshield wiper, sending her little naked body flying off the side of the bed landing head first on the floor where she understandably bursts into tears. Her mom scoops her up to tend to her and I'm standing their impotently with a damp towel sputtering my apologies, my concern for Charlotte, my insistence that it two years this had never happened before and it would never happen again, and it's not my fault and I'd never want to hurt my child and did I mention how sorry I was?

That's kind of how Quizzo was this week. It was supposed to be fun for everyone, just like it always is. But when you look at the scores you'll see that an awful lot of teams rolled off the side of the bed and landed on their heads. Unfortunately, no one that I could see was wet and naked.

But remember, we didn't earn the reputation for being the toughest trivia night in town just because all the other places are easier. Er, wait, maybe we did. Anyway, just letting you know I'm going to make a concerted effort to make you bleed out of your ears just a little bit less for the next few weeks. At least until September 18th. That's my 6 year anniversary running this stupid game and I'm not holding anything back for anybody. Save the date.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNER Clavins 28

$20 WINNER I da ho? No, Craig da Ho 27

$10 WINNER Idaho on the Down Low 27

The Brendas 15
He Must Have Been Watching "You, Me and Dupree" 12
Larry Craig's Wide Stance 18
Screw the Bocce Team 13
Tap Your Foot Twice for Butt Sex, 3 Times for a Big Idaho Russet 26
Wanna Touch Some Famous Potatoes? 24
I'd Kill Myself After "Shanghai Nights" Too. 22
The Team at the Bar 21
Pull Train on Mom 18
My Name is Larry, this is my Lover Daryl 22
The Souvlaki Tastes Burnt 21
Cop Killer by Ice W, 2 Down, a Million to go 20
Sausage Kings of Chicago 25

GAME TWO (Adios Alberto)

$30 WINNER Time to go Fishing Fredo 26 (Tie Break Winner)

$20 WINNER Going! Going! Gonzalez 26 (Tie Break Loser)

$10 WINNER Sorry Alberto, Your Green Card Expired 25

The Team at the Bar 16
Fuckin' Mexicans 20
Sodomy Sundays with W Became Too Much for My Legal Briefs to Take (This is an excellent example of a team that didn't know when to stop naming themselves) 20
Ashcroft's Midnight Raiders 23
Alberto Tapped LC's Wire 17
John Ashcroft Beats Taco Bell 17
Speedy Gonzalez 15
Clavins 22
I Don't Recall That 17
I Can't Recall the Theme 22
Performance was the Issue for the Lame Enchilada 18
Chillin' in Habeus Corpus Christi 23
Sausage Kings of Chicago 19
Craig isn't the Only One Who Got it in the Pooper 15

2007-08-23T07:55:00.000-04:00

What should have been our last slow night of the summer (just wait until the interns return) was unusually crowded. Of course a large contingency of Yelpers smack dab in the middle of the room there to judge the bar and the Quizzo helped fill the place up. Yelp is one of those social networking sites built around people who like to recommend places to complete strangers. Don't get me wrong, they're lovely people, but they seem awfully positive.

Check out some of their reviews at Yelp and you'll see what I mean. I don't know how you find so much to complain about at a bar and then go ahead and give it 4 or 5 stars. Don't like the food, bathrooms, service, or even the condiments? No problem, you're still highly rated. What does a place have to do to earn your derision, serve severed fingers in the fry basket? (That's your token C. Thomas Howell reference of the day; enjoy!). Then again maybe that free pitcher of beer they won for best team name helped take the edge off the evening for them. Don't blog drunk kids, you're only hurting yourself and your Yelp Fan Rating or whatever.

Interesting to learn that they actually planned ahead and based their name on my advice. The fact that their name (Dogfighting on the Outside, Cockfighting on the Inside) got such a great crowd response can only mean that I am always right and you kids should listen to me more often.

Speaking of douchebags, here's a really fantastic Pub Trivia article about the guys in Denver I mentioned earlier. I'm not saying I agree with all their methods, but holy cow they've got a loyal audience. I mean, my teams are great, but their customers' loyalty is pretty damn fierce. Then again, they're in Denver, what else do they have to do with their lives except trivia?

Lastly, a cool link that came my way this week for any of you looking for confirmation that you pay too much to rent in DC (or wherever). I love the Intronet. It's neato.

GAME ONE
$30 WINNERS: One Less Bush for All 33

$20 WINNERS: Clavins 31

$10 WINNERS: Only Little People Get Heart Disease 30

Touch My Monkey 11
Quizzo in the HIzzo for Shizzo 13
Why Couldn't NASA Kill My Teacher Too? (I have a test tomorrow) 29
Lowered Expectations 26
Waiting for Beckham to take his Shirt off Again 26
Alberto, Doesn't Your Family Need You Too? 23
Hell Just GOt a Little More Mean 24
Dean's Going to Mexico 23
Pour House is my Favorite Gay Bar 18
Rape Stand 18
Three Women and a Little baby 21
Dogfighting on the Outside, Cockfighting on the Inside 26
Hurricane Filner Takes Out Dulles 28
Team at the Bar 21
Dean! Jamaican Me Wet 29

GAME TWO: Advice for new Middle Schoolers
$30 WINNERS: Clavins 34

$20 WINNERS: Only Fuck the Rich Boys 32 (tiebreak winners)

$10 WINNERS: That's Not What a Compass is For 32

Binge with Prozac, Purge with RU-486 29
There's No Such Thing as a Permanent Record 29
The Test She Could Not Blow: A Pop Quizzo 22
School Dances are for Losers 7
Suck, Don't Blow 30
I Hear the Retarded Girl Gives Special Ed 15
Don't Tell Your Dad "I Understand that Cinderella Joke Now" 22
Second Base Tops 24
Fat Kids are Hard to Kidnap 28
You Can't Get Pregnant if you take it in the Ass 23
To Catch a Predator just got Easier 22
Don't Rub Teacher's Middle Leg 28
Don't Tell Quiz Guy Where the Clavins Touched You 26
Team at the Bar 24

Picture Pages

2007-08-17T19:24:00.002-04:00

Quizzo Virgins II: Smart and Lonely

2007-08-12T16:35:00.000-04:00

Had to share this piece of SCIENTIFIC DATA because I know it speaks to the heart of my audience. Seems after many, many studies were conducted it was determined that there is a correlation between high IQs and virginity. And before you get all high and mighty, no, it doesn't correlate that way. It seems the higher your IQ, whether you're male of female, the higher the likelihood that you're a virgin.

Some of the studies went beyond just IQ scores to examine college students majors and their experience riding the bologna pony. Although the study cited was done at Wellesley, so perhaps there's a better euphemism. Riding the magic carpet? Anyway, the more intellectual the major, the higher the percentage of virgins in the department. Of course the parents whose daughters are majoring at Wellesley in Studio Art just got an education in there daughter's extracurricular activities: not a single virgin amongst them. Liberal arts: represent!

So do you think this data correlates to Quizzo? Taking a look at any random set of winning team photos I'd have to say: Probably.

So learn from this report. If you win at Quizzo and you go on and on about what a smarty-pants you are, realize all you're doing is confirming the fact that the only person whose been in your smarty pants is you.

The Boy with the Bunny

2007-08-08T22:36:00.001-04:00

How prescient am I? I do a speed round on cheaters the same night that Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's record. It's almost like I knew it was going to happen. Then again, he was facing the Nats so it may have just been a foregone conclusion.

The fun part about that cheater handout was I got some material for it from my Dad. Inspired by the blackberry-user from two weeks ago, I thought I'd do a round on famous cheaters. Dad loved the idea and threw in some great ideas to start with: Rosie Ruiz, Ted Kennedy getting expelled from Harvard, the Worldcom fiasco, etc. Dad throws me questions from time to time, but I rarely use them because they're usually beyond impossible. Take my hardest, most ass-whupping question, multiply it by 12 and you get some idea of his material. He means well, but I know our crowd isn't going to be able to name the first left-handed golfer to win Arizona's most prestigious Pro-Am tournament. But this time, with a theme to work with, Dad was firing on all cylinders.

Some family history on how I got into trivia: It always seemed Dad could bond well with my brother and sister over sports. They were all good athletes and I wasn't. I was the artsy boy who liked to play chess by himself. Literally. One year at Christmas when all the kids got little clay ornaments, my sister's was a tennis player, my brother got a soccer player and I got a little boy holding a bunny.

Then when I was about ten or eleven there was a concerted effort on Dad's part to spend more time with me. I'm pretty sure it had something to do with my parents marriage about to implode, but anyway, somehow it was decided that I would join him when he went jogging. Again, I was the Boy with the Bunny; not really a runner. But I gave it a shot. And it turns out what I lacked in hand-eye coordination, agility, speed and toughness, I made up for in endurance (take note, ladies). It was on these runs that my dad decided to start teaching me the state capitals. He went through them from West to East, with brief histories of the states, their geography, mnemonic devices to help keep them all straight. It was good mental exercise (which I was used to) combined with physical exercise (which was foreign to me). And while today I can't remember my niece's birthday, I know Juneau to Augusta and back again.

Of course, it wasn't until I was much, much older that it dawned on me how, in terms of knowledge worth knowing, state capitals are really, truly, frankly, totally unimportant. They seem kind of important on maps and tests and Quizzo games but really they're just trivia answers: just as important as you make them. And for me, those fifty unimportant trivia answers will always seem a little more important than they should be. They take me back to a really interesting time in my life, just before my folks split up, when I was running around my neighborhood: just me and my Dad. Ain't nothing trivial about that.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS: Why Don't They Ever Write Stories About Bridges That Haven't Fallen Down? 34

$20 WINNERS: Michael Vick Humane Society 33

$10 WINNERS: Nicole Ritchie Isn't Pregnant, She Just Ate a Meatball 30 (Tie Break Winner)

The Bourne Penetration 30
I Don't Have a Member 30
Sarkozy Papparazzi 28
Clavins 27
Mariner Moose Against Drunk Driving 27
Team Chuck 25 (This was a first time, two man team! Beware Pour House!)
Ocean City, MD: Home of the Fetus Tree 24
Clean and Sober in 36 Hours: The Lohan Plan 23
8 Lost Miners, 24 Grieving Wives 23
I'll Have a Shot of Barry Juice and a Bud Chaser 20
Bombs Over Tiblisi 17
Give 'em Books! 16
Giuliani Went Barack and Never Went BAck 16
We're Going to Lose to the Team of 15 Next to US 16
Pooro at the Quizhouse 15
Poncho & Lefty & Obama 14
Put a Fork in Us We're Done 11

GAME TWO (How Hot Is It?)

$30 WINNERS: Almost as Hot as the Scorebabe 30

$20 WINNERS: Halle Berry Did it for Free 27

$10 WINNERS: I'd Go On a Minnesota Bridge Just to Cool Off 27

Even Hillary's Balls Are Sweaty 16Mariner moose 25
I Paid a Homesless Man $5 to Spit on Me 26
Hotter Than Titty Fucking Bea Arthur 19
Clavins Look Cool 26
I Feel Structurally Inefficient 22
Hotter Than Cheney's Shotgun Barrel 19
Pretty Hot 18
Insert Cheney or Anal Reference Here 10
Even Paris HAs Nothing to Say 17
Hotter Than Mark Foley's Office During Page Orientation 10
Vitter Took His Diaper Off 14
Sarkozy Sweating Balls and Flipping Off Reporters 5
-90 Degreees Kelvin 24
Too Hot For Anal 19

Teem Names

2007-08-01T22:26:00.000-04:00

Another Tuesday, another Quizzo, another shitload of people. My new buddy John in Denver was recently bitching about having ten, count 'em TEN teams at his game. Yeah. This week we had 21. Then again, he doesn't have a Scorebabe. Me? I got a Scorebabe. The real one! Yes, Rebecca made her triumphant return to the bar much to everyone's delight except the people who hate her and punish her (and the bar) by writing lengthy paragraphs instead of team names. Come on people. A good team name should be like Mike Tyson with no legs: short and punchy. If you have to take a breath in the middle of reading your team name, it probably sucks. Think haiku, not limerick. (That is not an invitation to make your next team name seventeen syllables long you Type A, literal mooks.) I know you're all clamoring to win the free pitcher of beer for the best team name, so let me give you a few more pointers...

Remember this: we read the names aloud. So when you come up with a clever team name based on a homophone, its cleverness, if it had any (helpful tip: it doesn't), won't really translate to the room. "Fowl Play" or "I Love Ewe" or "I Ate the Hole Thing" or whatever is just going lie there: blah. Sure, Rebecca and I are simply in hysterics from your effortless twist of the complexities of the English language, but the room, not so much. Let me put it this way, did you see Ralph Fiennes and Jennifer Lopez in Maid in Manhattan? Yeah. You see my point.

Here's another idea: don't try to do too much. You know when you're moving and you 're almost done and there's about half a U-Haul left to unload and you've got boxes to your chin and you tell your roommate "yeah, put the microwave on top." Stop. Your mom was right, always make two trips. A team name that ropes in Lindsay Lohan, Alberto Gonzalez, condoms and the death of Don Ameche all into one probably isn't worth all that work. Think simple and elegant.

Be unique: Yes, when Britney Spears runs naked through Waffle House within 12 hours of Quizzo, we know there will be a torrent of similarly themed names. Remember that it will almost always work against you if you jump on the bandwagon. Plus, it will drive you crazy when you don't know which score is yours because all the names have the same theme/joke/words/etc. It can happen that we get a bunch of names on the same theme and one clearly rises to the top, but it's extremely rare. Because you know,when you take the path less traveled by it can, sometimes, make all the difference. I wrote that.

Also, there's nothing wrong with having a little pride in staking out a team name and sticking with it week in, week out. Yes, there's the Clavins (Um, shut out again this week, what's up with that?) and now Pour-o at the Quiz House and Lowered Expectations have joined the fold. No, they're not going to win the beer for best name, but they've got a little spirit, a little team unity, and that can go along way. Take it from me, proud card-carrying member of the Bikini Bandit All-Stars since 1999. BBA*S represent!

Lastly, avoid the too soon and the too crude: Yes, often the team names at Quizzo are not for the faint of heart. Being spunky, erudite people we don't just insult your mom, we insult your mom colorfully . But, remember, even I have lines I won't cross and you should too. Your mom raised you better than that. Fat old slut that she is.

GAME ONE

$30 WINNERS S-CHIP 'n' Dales 35

$20 WINNERS If Obesity Is Contagious, I Have to Stop Hanging Out With Your Mom 31

$10 WINNERS We Just Got Married, And This Is How We Honeymoon 30 (tie break winners)

Damn, This Is the Smartest Thing We've Done 16
Attack of the Spiderpigs 16
Clavins 23
Poor-o at the Quiz House 18
Stewed, Screwed, & Tattooed 18
Roberts & Stevens Seize the Day 27
Last Place Lassies 13
People With Tables Suck 28
Moo Shoo Jews 24
These Are Not My Pants 27
Lowered Expectations 26
Ted Stevens' Bridge to Butt Sex 25
Apparently the "Bride to Nowhere" Actually Leads to Alaskan Senator's Secret Snow Fort 17
Scorebabe, I Think I Love You, But What Am I So Afraid Of? 30
I Want to Bag a Ginger Before I'm Dead, Hufflepuff 22
With Liberty and Justice from Seizure to Shining Seizure
Tom Snyder Joins Larry King in Dead Talk Show Host Hall of Fame 26
I Facebooked Your Mom 10

GAME TWO: (Name a Banned Sesame Street Sketch)

Oscar Takes It In the Can 29

Bert & Ernie: F Is For Fisting 27 (tie breaker winners)

The Coochie Monster 27 (tie breaker kind of winners)

C Is for Cocaine: That's Good Enough for Lindsay 20
Bert, Is That a Rubber Duckie in My Ass? 12
Big Bird's Slow Bird Flu Death 19
Stewed, Screwed, & Tattooed 14
St. Elmo's Firecrotch 22
Jim Henson Touched Me 17
Ernie Felt Bert 20
Clavins 23
Bum Fights III: Mayweather v. Oscar de la Grouch 8
Snuffleupagus 20
P Is For Pussy, That's Good Enough for Me 25
Bert & Ernie: My Original Two Dads 17
When Oscar Made His O Face 11
Harry Potter Dies 26
Bert Back Mountain 19
Dirk Diggler Sock Pupper 27
Bert & Ernie's Eiffel Tower 23
Is That a Snuffleupagus in Your Pocket or Are You Just Happy to See Me? 18

The Tyrrany of Evil Men

2007-07-26T23:05:00.000-04:00

"But she caught me on the counter (It wasn't me)
Saw me bangin' on the sofa (It wasn't me) I even had her in the shower (It wasn't me) She even caught me on camera (It wasn't me)"

"It Wasn't Me"
Shaggy (feat. Ricardo Ducent)

It's rare when a tune on my Quizzo iPod mix turns out to be so prescient.

We were there having a real good night of Quizzo. I remembered to bring the questions and the answers, Paul and Abby were having a wonderful send off for their exciting move to exotic and romantic Albania, Paul (different Paul) was celebrating his 39th birthday again, Kait was back to thrill the room as Scorebabe showing off her new long hair (way to go Kait!) and her latest provocative T-shirt; I'm telling you the room was just clicking. My plea for appropriate tipping for the hard working servers was even met with (legitimate!) applause. And you guys came through for Schwartz, Sara and Boone. Keep it up.

When, returning from my much needed trip to the little boys room during the Speed Round I stopped by to see some regulars. Hm, what's S/He Who Shall Not Be Named doing with a PDA? Probably checking the weather report, receiving a text from Mom about their sick Aunt Esther, maybe wiring some money from a bank account to a needy orphanage in Guatemala ... or ... or? What do I see on the screen? "2006 Best Suppo..." Oh snap.

Now for those of you who don't recall the Speed Round there was in fact a question about who won an Oscar in 2006 for Best Supporting Actress and this person, a loooongtime regular to Quizzo (someone who should freaking KNOW better) was looking up an answer. I was stunned. Maybe even a little hurt. It turned out her team already had the right answer written down, but I mean, come on... what the hell? But I didn't make a big deal. I mean, we know each other; we've been playing this game a long time; I didn't make a big deal... I said, smiling, "So what you doing there?" S/He Who Shall Not Be Named froze. What little air was in the bar was instantaneously sucked away. The tension was, shall we say, palpable. Suddenly his/her thumb was doing double time on the backspace key. "Hm?" s/he asked and, taking Shaggy's advice that we'd just heard minutes before, proceeded to give me the "It wasn't me" line. No "Oops, I'm sorry", no blushing, no shame, just straight up denial. DC is really starting to do a number on you guys. "What do you mean? Just checking email! Nope, those words were never typed in." I couldn't believe it. Two days later, I still can't. (BTW, I'm not outing this person as a hermaphrodite, I'm just avoiding giving clues.)

Now, I know none of us is perfect; none of us has never strayed from the path of the righteous man, but come on people, there are not too many rules at Quizzo to follow: Don't yell answers, don't get bent out of shape if we mis-score your team, and don't fucking cheat. I gotta tell you folks, I'm too busy running the game and being master of all things trivial and I don't have the time nor the interest in being your motherfucking babysitter, so stop acting like a member of the Bush administration and have some fucking integrity. And if you have ever cheated and won because of it, I hope the losing teams never hear of it because believe me Quizzo losers are damn scary freaks and they'll rip your lungs out if they think you did them wrong. Here endeth the lesson.

And to the person I caught: I'll pretend you apologized and you pretend I forgave you. Sheesh.

Oh yeah. The game. Lastly, not only did the Clavins come away with nada for the night, but we had a threeway tie for third in the first game and a four-way tie for second in the second. Sorry, but I'm afraid I have no idea which teamnames go with which pictures, but I do have your pictures, so enjoy. Look for the triumphant return of Rebecca next week. Big kiss.

GAME ONE
At Least Vick Didn't Give Those Bitches Herpes 35

$20 WINNERS: Bob Lablaw & the Rural Juror 34

$10 WINNERS

It's Official: Lindsay Lohan Blows 32
Lindsay Lohan: Fully Loaded 32
Lindsay Lohan should stop doing blow and blow Neal 32
Neal Looks Hott in a Suit! 31
Victimized Clavins by Scorebabe's Point Shavin' 29
Finally a Cash Crop that Pays: Dead Farmers 26
Bent Like Beckham: Slightly to the Left 24
Michael Vick's Pet Sematary 24
Took too much Xanax to come up with a name 22
Tammy Faye's Death Mask 21
People Who Have Never Been in my Kitchen 20
Lindsay Lohan's Sobriety Bracelet 20
Poor-O at the quiz House 19
Lindsay's Coke Dealer 17
If my 8 balls could talk: The Lindsay Lohan Story 15
Gonzo or I Can't Recall 15
The Falcons dropped Vick Faster than Lindsay Lohan Drops an 8 Ball 10

GAME TWO (Why are Paul and Abby moving to Albania?)

$30 WINNERS: To Start a Clavin Clan 35

$20 WINNERS

$10 WINNERS

Their Chief Export is Chrome 28
Their Chief Export is Coal 28
Fucking Your Sister is Legal 28
They loved the movie Wag the Dog 28
Because the want to Montenegro 27
I've enough of this bullshit! Fuck the Clavins! 24
The Clavins (deported to Albania) 24
'Cause they directed Chinatown and had sex with a teenager 23
Looking for a Horcrux 23
Macedonia Exceeded Its Nerd Quota 21
Why would you go to Albania? 20
Cheap Underage Hookers 20
Lindsay's New Coke Dealer 19
Looking for Voldemort 19
Because 10 Shots of Raki costs only one Lek 17
Lindsay Lohan's Sobriety Bracelet 13
Because Bush Keeps Hugging My Children 5

Harry Potter and the Quizzo Virgin

2007-07-19T01:04:00.000-04:00

It’s not often that I get to announcing “Game One! Round One! Question number one …” before realizing that I don’t actually have my questions with me, but that’s what happened this week. Oops. Luckily, the questions did exist, they had been prepared ... they just didn’t get into my European carry-all before I left work. So quick like a bunny I rushed to work and back before most people could finish their first drink. I’d like to say I nonchalantly strolled, but I didn’t. I did some high-energy, white man power-walking with occasional bursts of what can only be called trotting. (And believe me, I know a case of the bursting trots when I see it.)

Now, I’d love to say that I’ve never forgotten to bring the questions before and that it will never happen again, but like an abusive husband from a made-for-Lifetime movie, we all know that that just ain’t so. But you know, every now and again I have to remind you all that I am, in fact, human.

Speaking of humans, Rebecca the Scorebabe was out (again!) are was ably replaced by the original Scorebabe: Joy. She handled all the finer points of the gig which includes juggling the complex tasks of adding, drinking and letting boys flirt with her all at the same time. Unfortunately, technology failed her (and the rest of us) by not allowing any pictures taken that evening to come out. Trust me, it’s not Joy’s fault. I just spent two hours just trying to get the pictures out of the piece of shite. It’s not a happy camera. Luckily, I just happen to have some file photos that will suffice. I'm sure Joy won't mind.

No pictures means we will also not have a visual representation of The Tortellis who beat The Clavins in the second game. Of course, those of us who were there know how they managed to do it: The Tortellis were in fact, half the Clavins. You see the Clavins and their subsidiary players had grow to an obscene size by the end of the first game so they wisely split forces to compete against one another and attempt to take home more prize money. I was hoping they’d weaken each other and allow a new team to slip past them both, but it was not to be. Interestingly, the Tortellis was made up of the female team members who capably edged out their brethren and the rest of the room, easily dispatching Hermione Gets Hog-Warts in the tiebreaker. Congratulations ladies. You have boobs and brains. As if we really care about your boobs...

More fun: Not only did we get Felicity to come out to celebrate her 25th birthday (tasty cake!), but a true Quizzo virgin was in our midst. Some poor, bright kid named Patrick chose to have his 21st birthday at Quizzo. I weep for the state of the youth in our country. A very nice touch occured during the Happy Birthday song being sung though: Felicity and Patrick shared a brief but passionate kiss that was totally spontaneous and heartfelt. It could have led to something even more erotic were it not for the fact that Felicity hadn't inadvertently brought her father, Guilliaume. Or wait, is that the guy she's shacking up with?

GAME ONE (File Photos)

$30 WINNERS Clavins 30

$20 WINNERS Shrimp fried rice and d-con, but hold the MSG 29

$10 WINNERS !ONE! 27

This one time at Hogwarts I stuck my wand up my … 22
Neal sets walk of shame record 24
Vitter’s Madam’s Undergarments 12
Hoff 15
Bungee jump for Jesus? I don’t think so Not this time 10
While the republicans … 15
Republicans 4 Voldemort 22
It’s Felicity’s birthday (spankings to come later) 17
Cho Chang? nah, horse’s wang 16
We thought Neal only prematurely ejaculated when Rebecca was in town 21
Liquid Knowledge 7
Check out my snake bite 17

GAME TWO (Surprise ending of HP and the Deathly Hollows)

$30 WINNERS The Tortelli’s 31

$20 WINNERS Hermione gets Hog-Warts 31

$10 WINNERS Clavinz 29

Brokeback Castle: Ron and Harry 28
Harry Does Paris 17
Harry is Kaiser Soze 20
Alohamorah! Hermione’s not a Virgin 14
Hermione is a Man, Baby! 28
!one! 18
Harry P. Finds God (F@#$!ing Pagan) 25
Terri Schiavo: Unplugged 18
Harry P. Stands Naked in Front of a Horse and is Well Hung 21
Snape Kills Voldemort 23
Harry and Ron Marry 14
Hermione is a Boy 12
Harry Dies from Poop Water 6

What are Three Things that Protect You?

2007-07-11T23:52:00.000-04:00

What a lovely return for a Quizzomaster and Scorebabe. You kids sure no how to make us feel welcome. After a week in California visiting family and dancing briefly with dismemberment and death, it felt awfully good to back with our DC family and far less dangerous trivial pursuits.

As I mentioned to the crowd, Rebecca and I spent a little time on a hot California highway avoiding a concrete barrier only to lose control, fly across 4 lanes and hit a 18 wheeler (thank God for that 18th wheel) only to sail back across those same 4 lanes and plow into that same concrete barrier anyway. Never have two non-believers had someone up there like them so much. The rental car, a trusty li'l Pontiac Grand Prix that had been a pain in the ass the whole trip, fell apart in all the right places and held together in all the better places so that Rebecca and I could walk away with a bump on the head (Becca) and an owie on the knuckle (me). This is the only time you'll hear me say this: Hooray for American cars! It was, by far, the scariest thing that ever happened to me and I'm hopeful I never have anything that comes close to comparing to it.

What the pictures don't show well is the right side of the car, the side Becca was on. It is crushed and scraped all the way down that side where we rubbed along the truck. That truck, by the way: barely any damage. Woo Hoo! The pictures also show some of the guys who stopped their cars, jumped out to see if we were okay and call 911. They were awesome. They couldn't believe it when Rebecca and I walked away. A burly guy with tattoos looked at me shaking his head and said "You almost rolled." The tall CEO-type next to him confirmed it: "You should have rolled. "

We were also ultra-lucky that my daughter was not with us but riding a mile or so behind us in my brother's car with her cousins. The kids were a little freaked, but nothing compared to me and Rebecca. Even after we'd filled out the accident report for the CHP and the remains of the Grand Prix were towed off and we were safely crammed into my brother's car rolling safely down the highway, in fact the whole ride home, she and I were both in a daze. About two hours later we were safely at our destination where we were met with good food, good wine and the sweet, warm embrace of my mother. Coming home never felt better.

Three lessons learned: Always wear your seat belts (we did!), always have insurance (we did!), mom's hugs are the best (they are!)

______________________________________________

Of course one of the simple joys of returning home in one piece was getting to see all the regulars down at the Pour House. You guys are still at the mercy of the Clavins, but at least a few of you are starting to nip at their heels a bit. Rumor has it that two of them are about to be shipped off to Albania. We'll see if that weakens them or only makes them stronger...

In addition to familiar faces it's always fun to see new ones. One Quizzo virgin at the bar was enjoying our shtick immensely, basically because it was all new to him. Sucker. At one point, laughing between Rebecca's belch and my use of the word "titular" he exclaimed to his friend "This is so much better than Karaoke!" In all my years of Quizzo hosting, fainter praise has never been expressed. Thank you, young Johnny, we'll see you next week.

By the way, apropos of nothing, if you're looking to invest in a wettening device (and ladies, who isn't?), be sure to check out my friend Chad getting paid to play with squirt guns over at Slate.

See you next week!

GAME ONE

Clavins 30

Lowered Expectations 29

Neal’s Triumphant Return: Unhindered by Outing by DC Madam 29

San Diego Pandas Shoot Blanks 24
Screech’s Giant Member 27
Jenn and Alex: Engaged and of Age 23
Next Time, Senator, Use a Pay Phone 27
Apparently NASCAR Planes Can’t Make Right Turns Either 14
The Weinerdogs 14
Pull Out of Iraq or Use the Rhythm Method 27
Oooh! Life Earth, not Love Birth 28
Prolific Little MFs 19
Vitler’s Diddlers 25
Poor-o at the Quiz House 11
I’m With Stoopid 22
How Many Interns Did the Duck Kill for This Table? 28
Pastafarians 13

GAME TWO (What Neal and Rebecca have left to do in their lives)

Two Chicks at the Same Time 32

To Do the Clavins All at Once 30

Kill the Clavins 30

Discover Neal’s G Spot 26
To Choke on a Pretzel 16
Air Guitar Heroes 9
See the Spicegirls Reunion Tour 25
How About a Freakin’ Rock Already 19
Uncork My Bat 13
Live to See the Clavins Lose 24
God Gave Neal One More Chance to Make an Honest Woman of Rebecca 25
Orgy at the Clavin House 21
So Neal can Finally Tame That Shrew 17

Way Back Machine

2007-07-11T19:02:00.000-04:00

Sorry, Sherman. I know, you're expecting a post about last night, but when I allow someone to sub for me, I allow them to sub all the way. That's right, you guest-host, you guest-blog. We go back in time to a kinder, gentler time when things were oh so much simpler and we were all oh so innocent. That time? Last Tuesday. Jerry and Grace filled in for me and Becca and they did a stellar job. Or so Jerry keeps telling me. Truthfully, anyone willing to deal with the obnoxious louts (that's right, louts) at Quizzo deserves all our admiration. Except from the louts, I guess, because they're all so ... loutish.

I would have posted this sooner, but I had some technical difficulties from my remote location that hampered me considerably. And I hate being hampered.

Incidentally, in addition to guest-hosting Quizzo, and his day job which I believe involves knowing a great many things, Jerry occasionally writes for Politico. Here's his latest. He sure writes words good. Here's his post:

Subbing for Neal

When Neal asks you to sub as Quizzomaster, it’s like being asked to replace Jordan on the Bulls. Like being asked to replace Cheney as torturer in chief.

You can’t say no.

So I didn’t. I had a blast. Having hosted my own game, Headgames, for several months in 2005 out in Arlington, I’ve had experience writing questions and hosting. But to host at the Pour House, the House that Neal built, that's sacred ground. Would I be able to stand up to the pressure? Would I be able to make ‘em laugh, and get the right mix of easy, medium, and hard questions?

Most crucially, would I be able to out-burp Rebecca? I didn’t think so. So I brought in the lovely Grace, a Clavin of recent vintage, as my scorebabe. She promised to be good natured about any skanky introductions I chose to give her. And she did a great job, although she did not actually burp once. (Best skanky intro as voted on in a viewer's poll: after the identify the VP speed round, including Nelson Rockefeller, I said “And speaking of dying atop your mistress, here is Grace with your scores.”)

But really, my prime goal was simple: just don’t let the Clavins win it all.

Indeed, defacto head Clavin, Dave, emailed me the moment he found out about my substitute role, to suggest ways that I could avoid having the Clavins win it all. As a sometime Clavin (and, may I add, one of the original founding members, there aren’t many of us left!), I might have been accused of favoritism if the Clavins continued their winning streak on my watch.

Folks, I tried. But I’ve found out the Clavins are like cancerous cells in unsuccessful chemo. You can kill them, but you end up also killing the ones you wanted to live as well. In other words, I could write a round that the Clavins wouldn’t ace. But I couldn’t write one that other teams would ace at the same time.

That was the whole point of the “Next Three Words” song lyrics speed round in the first game. And yeah, the Clavins only got 5 out of 10. But the bastards immediately figured out they were hosed, and turned their sheet in first, getting the bonus point. And nobody else got 6, I don’t think. And one team got zero.

It was that kind of night. The Clavins came in first in both games, and, unusually, also took the halftime show.

Best wrong answer of the night: the song lyric clue was “I know what boys like, I know what guys want, I know what boys like…” The answer was “boys like me”. But you gotta give props to the team that answered “Boys like boys.”

Interesting commentary on the women of DC: I asked what percent of women have EVER faked an orgasm, according to a Prime Time Live survey. Any answer within 10% got points. I don’t know if ANY team got points, because all the answers I saw were above 60%, many of them in the 80s and 90s. Folks, the right answer was 48%. Two possible interpretations: DC ladies who like trivia are big time fakers in bed. Or, they are just more honest than women who answer surveys for Prime Time Live.

A Clavin who will remain nameless suggested that the best answer was “Who Cares?”

The halftime show seemed to be popular. I took the top 30 off the top 100 stand up comedians list by Comedy Central. Initially, it seemed like no team would get anything wrong, but once we got rid of the obvious ones, teams started dropping like flies. Injustice reigned. Roseanne Barr was in the top 10, but Dave Chappelle wasn’t on the list. The highest ranking comedian not to be named by anyone was Woody Allen, at #3. I know about 14 Woody Allen standup routines by heart, so I was very disappointed with the bar. But instead of leaving in disgust, I went on to game two. Because that’s just the kind of giving person I am.

Question controversy of the night: I asked which ONE of these nations has NEVER beaten the French? Britain, Italy, Mexico, Poland, Algeria, Vietnam, Mexico, Sweden?

Britain, Algeria, Vietnam are all obvious. Mexico kicked the Frogs out in the 19th century when they tried to keep Maximillian on the throne. Sweden kicked some French butt in the later Napoleonic wars. And Italy came in the backdoor, late, after Hitler came in the front door in 1940. So that leaves us Poland.

But a team later came up to complain as Grace and I were celebrating the completion of the night by pointing out that the Italians ultimately lost that war. Rocked back on my heels, I almost conceded, but I stuck to my guns. Basically, France SURRENDERED. Yes, in the end, Italy lost, but they didn't lose to the French. The French were out of the war for years. And don�t give me that Free French crap. So there.

All in all, it was great fun to host. Thanks Neal!

GAME ONE WINNERS

$30 winners - The Clavins

$20 winners - Pukesburgh - What's That Smell?

$10 winners - Scooter in the Ass

GAME TWO WINNERS
$30 winners - The Clavins

$20 winners - Rebecca's Cherry Bomb

$10 winners - Dud

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-08T00:56:00.000-04:00

So ... how did you almost die on your vacation?

We opted for the whole totaling our rental car into a semi truck and a concrete median barrier. Lots of laughs. Did you see Unbreakable? Like that, but without the super strength and sensing evil in people wearing orange. Let's just say we used up all our lucky points for like, the next decade.

Can't wait to see you all. Well, most of you.

xoxo
Neal and Rebecca

Worst Blog Ever

2007-06-27T23:24:00.000-04:00

So the same two teams won first and second for both games. What a surprise. The cream keeps rising to the top and the dregs keep losing, but they're also probably getting a whole lot more play...

Things we learned at Quizzo this week:

Girls still lose their shit when they get to sing along to Spice Girls.
Boys still lose their shit when they get to air guitar along to Boston.
Duck's are shy birds. Given the opportunity to chat up a young, single scorebabe (a rare thing at Quizzo), Mr. Duck chose not to use the clumsy ploy his team forced upon him to his advantage by even make eye contact, let alone talking to Miss Vanessa. Silly dude, Becca's come back soon, how many more opportunities will you actually have?
Susan B. Anthony and Sacajeweah are not the only women on US currency. Damn you commemorative state quarters! But thank you for your contribution to our understanding of the indomitable human spirit, Miss Helen Keller.
Sarah's back! (Not to mention the rest of her...) After a long studious break Miss Ushuaia Herself graced us with her presence. Unfortunately she didn't study for Quizzo as hard as she'd been studying for the GREs and was steamrolled along with the rest of the folks at the bar.
Rob knows a lot of very long Oscar winning movies.
Laila's team doesn't trust her. But can you really blame them?
When there's no half-time show, there's no half-time show. Quit your belly-aching.
Clavins tend to attract ringers from other teams when their teams don't show up, thereby building their talent pool. Learn from this children: show up to Quizzo lest your one-time friend becomes your mortal Clavin enemy.
When Neal should be writing his blog he's spending time elsewhere.

Remember kids, even though Mommy and Daddy will be away next week, there still will be Quizzo. But be on your best behaviour for our stand-in, The Professor, because if you're not nice we'll hear all about it. The Professor's pretty much a cry baby tattle-tale, you see.

Love you. Mean it.

GAME ONE

The Calvins 30

Hugs for Drugs: The Chris Benoit Story

Camel Clutch

SHRUNKEN BENOIT BALLS 11
CLEVELAND BROWNS ARE BETTER THAN THE STEELERS 16
CAROLINA 8
BONG HITS FOR JESUS 19
PHANTOM OF MY ASSHOLE 21
BEARS DON'T FLY 13
CHOKING THE COMPETITION LIKE CHRIS BENOIT 20
DUCK + NEW SCORE BABE = LOVE 22
NO JEWS? NO SCIENTOLOGISTS? tHAT'S IT, I'M MOVING TO GERMANY 21
DEAD BENOIT BALLS 14
GHOST OF CHRIS BENOIT 20
DICK CHENEY BEFORE CHENEY DICKS YOU 14
LIBERAL REPUBLICANS FOR GORE 12
AIR CONDITIONED NUT SACK COZY 17
STRAIGHT-GAY ALLIANCE 11
NOT ANOTHER PARIS HILTON JOKE 17
OUR PEN IS MELTING 19
POURO AT THE QUIZ HOUSE 20
ACID TABS FOR SATAN 16
WHAT WOULD JESUS BONG? 22
BRING IT 10

GAME TWO (Rejected Ben & Jerry Flavors)

Clavin Crunch

Tiananmen Square Tank Tracks

Peach Fuzz Gobbler 30

CHOCOLATE TURTLE HEAD 29
PARIS HILTON GAVE ME HERPES IN LOCK UP AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT (and teamname) 22
PRALINES AND CREAM ON MY FACE 24
JERRY'S CHERRY BACK HAIR 24
COOKIES AND CREAM IN MY EYE 13
AMY FISHER FOOD 17
RUBBERY TAINT MINT 23
BLOOD ON MY BALLS, SHIT ON MY DICK (people, my mom reads this blog, come on) 29
THAT CAN'T BE A COCK, A COCK IS A 10 INCH CHOCOLATEY THING YOU SUCK ON 19
BACK DOOR BANANA JAMMER 14
MORBIDLY OBESE HUBBY 29
MICHAEL JACKSON'S EVER WHITER CHOCOLOATE 21
VANILLA BALLS AND CHOCOLATE LOGS 21
DOUBLE FUDGE POKER BUST A NUT 26
BEARS FLY IN THE ICE CREAM 23
REESES FECES 28

Sing for me, Kraus!

2007-06-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

Well I don't know about you people, but I had a fun night. It was hot as hot balls, Alexis brought brownies for Emily's birthday and the substitute scorebabe found her sea legs eventually (I think the beer helped) and not only held her own against the rabble, but scored a phone number at the same time. Will she call the number? Will this chance encounter lead to romance? Will there be more phone numbers emailed to me to forward to her based on her picture on this site? Stay tuned to find out!

Yes, whilst the Scorebabe Proper (Rebecca) was home nursing herself back to health after coming down with at least four of the maladies on last week's communicable diseases handout (wipe down those public toilet seats!), scorebabe substitute (Vanessa) amiably did her best to learn the ropes, master the squirrelly sound system and tempermental camera and politely endure Schwartz' awkward advances (the only kind of advance he knows...) And, yes, she was wooed by a Latin lothario with a quick smile and a clever note written on the animation handout. The fact that he wrote it on the picture of the giant clitoris from South Park:Bigger, Longer and Uncut could either be a warning sign or a favorable omen depending on one's point of view... Vanessa may be back as soon as next week when Scorebabe Supreme will be away doing her girlfriendly duty (I said duty) by taking my daughter to see a certain timeless musical that everyone in the world has seen except herself, subjecting them both to some of the most beautifully torturous earworms mankind has ever known. Thanks for taking one for the team, Becca! BTW, I'm proud to say that I saw Phantom in LA with Robert Guillaume, TV's Benson, as the titular character and that fact is totally freaking awesome!!!By the by, neither of us can Quizzo on July 3rd. I'll go through my usual compliment of stand-ins but I make no promises. It's a holiday week, you see. More info as we know it.

So blah, blah, blah, the Clavins won twice (I know you're all itching for me to reveal their Achilles Heel, not yet...), but the really exciting news is team Get Off the Stage took a prize. Becca and I have been rooting for them for weeks ever since they defected from Fado to partake in Pour House Quizzo. This is their first time in the winner's circle and we're delighted they've finally broken through. Woo and hoo. See y'all next week. Be courteous, kind and forgiving.

GAME ONE

Clavins 40

Tim is Duncan his Balls in Lebron's Mouth 32 (tie break winners)

Ben Gay Wrestling Party 32

Nifong Lacrossed Out 29

Snyders of Hangover 29

Gaza Strip Club Under New Management 28

With What Is In These Pants Satisfaction Guaranteed 27

Ocean’s Four 25

Stick the Royal Harry, Willy in the Gaza Strip 25

When the Gay Casbah’s a-Rockin’ Don’t Come a-Knockin’ 24

Poor-o at the Quiz House 24

Clavins Are the Skid Marks on the Underpants of Society 19

I Should’ve Showed Up at 4:30 to Get a Table Like I Said I Would 19

Chris Matthews Stop Staring at Hillary’s Boobs 17

Sucka D 17

Diesel Knowledge 13

The Three Must Getabeers 4

GAME TWO (Great name for all-girl rock band)

The Clavins 35

Get Off the Stage 30

The Landing Strips 27

Ride My Little Pony 26

Clitallica 26

Snyders of Hangover 24

Titties with Ditties 24

Liz Zeppelin 23

Eager Beavers 22

Puss Galore 20

Poor-o at the Quiz House 21

Brownies Without Nuts 21

Josie and the Pussycat Big Valley of the Dolls 19

Twat Wafflers 19

Farewell Mr. Wizard: An Appreciation

2007-06-18T19:42:00.000-04:00

A Guestblog from The Scorebabe

Like most kids, I spent much of my childhood wishing I was on various TV shows. Many nights were spent in pleasant dreams of being one of the dancers on Kids Incorporated. I entered the You Can’t Do That on Television annual Slime In religiously, hoping to get the chance to be covered in green goo alongside Moose, Lisa, and that dreamy Kevin Kubusheskie. In the deepest recesses of my heart, though, I really wanted to sidle up next to another Nickelodeon idol: Mr. Wizard.

As the child of a microbiologist and a natural born nerd, I developed a love of science early, and Mr. Wizard’s World was one of my very favorite programs. Most of the experiments were completely accessible, easy to duplicate at home. The ones that weren’t – like his freezing a rose in liquid nitrogen and then smashing it to bits – were so damn cool, you were happy just to watch him do them.

I devoured the book Mr. Wizard’s Supermarket Science and would have done every experiment in it – twice – if only my mother would have tolerated it. (“You want to do WHAT to a hot dog with two forks and a battery?!”) I remember having the coolest science demonstration in second grade thanks to Mr. W teaching me how to make spaghetti dance, and I spent more than one happy afternoon powering a tiny foil boat around a pie dish with a sliver of soap.

It’s rare for a sixty-something year old man in a brown sweater over a button down shirt (which is how I always picture him) as cool, but, damn it, he was. He was just so low key and down to earth and never talked down to the kids on the show no matter how thick they were. (I was insanely jealous of the kids that assisted Mr. Wizard, judging them harshly for their ignorance and bad haircuts.) For me, Mr. Wizard was more influential than Mr. Rogers, and it was with great sadness that I learned of his death on June 12. Thank you, Don Herbert, for teaching me the glories of science . . . and the allure of elderly former actors who make their livings entertaining the nerds of the world.

This Shit Just Got Real

2007-06-13T18:40:00.000-04:00

Hey kids, thanks for another oh so crowded night. It's amazing how the number of teams keeps going up and, diametrically opposed to physics and math and stuff, the team sizes are going up too. Something's gotta give soon. Maybe the next time you come to Quizzo you could bring some more space to help make the room larger. Whoa. I think I just blew my mind. Or did I blow your mind?

Yes, it was so crowded we skipped the halftime show. I will endeavor to come up with a way for a halftime show that can work even when we're pushing maximum density. Anyone got a brilliant idea they want to share? I'm all ears. And a baculum.

So the question I wanted to rhapsodize about last night but didn't because, again, way too many people for chatting, was the Chaplin mustache vs. Hitler mustache phenomenon. Two legendary, iconic men from the 20th century, one silly 'stache. Both mustaches obviously are the same in concept except that one grew on a man who brought great joy to the world through comedy and the other grew on a "mass-murdering fuckhead" (E. Izzard). And yet, if you had to describe that facial hair to someone you'd say, "that weird guy at Potbelly's had a Hitler mustache" or "I knew this cute girl who liked to keep a Hitler mustache." Everyone knows what that means. But why isn't it the Chaplin mustache? He was a much nicer guy (pedophilia not withstanding) and, as we learned last night, he was wearing it in the public eye much longer before Adolph did. I wonder if Adolph's co-workers were gathering around the water kooler saying "What's up with Hitler wearing the Chaplin mustache? Does he really think that's going to make people like him? He's still such a tool. Have you seen him try and do the dancing dinner rolls bit? Pathetic." Perhaps it was those kinds of comments behind his back that later drove him to invade Poland? Perhaps not.

BTW, for those of you were weren't there the question was: Who sported the toothbrush mustache (as it was known originally) first, Adloph Hitler or Charlie Chaplin? The answer: Chaplin's first Little Tramp appeared on screen in 1914 and Dolphy didn't get the command from his superior to trim his Prussian 'stache (didn't fit under his WWI gas mask too well) until 1915 and that was still long before he got into the public eye. BTW, funny story, he would later end up in a ditch covered in petrol on fire (again, E. Izzard).

And lastly, I do have to point out that one team boldly went away from the 50/50 nature of the question to posit their own answer, simply "Chapman." This answer was deemed incorrect because in addition to being wrong it was just plain silly.
GAME ONE

FOR A GOOD TIME CALL 32

THERE ARE NO SMALL PARTS, ONLY SMALL NINJAS 30

CLAVINS 29

TEAM AT THE JUKE BOX 28
CAVS IN 07, KUCINICH '08 (CLEVELAND ROCKS) 27
LAST TEAM STANDING 27
HARD TIME DEALT ANOTHER BLOW IN GEORGIA 27
WHEN I GOT A BJ FROM A 15 YEAR OLD ALL I GOT WAS A HIGH FIVE 27
WE SUPPORT PARIS AND OUR TROOPS 26
EDDIE MURPHY RAW IN SCARY'S VAGINA 25
ONE MAN'S TRASH IS ANOTHER MAN'S DAUGHTER 25
YES, INTERN, WE ARE HERE FOR TRIVIA. NO YOU CAN'T HAVE OUR TABLE 25
FAT PEOPLE ARE HARDER TO KIDNAP 24
TEAM TRYING TO GET DRUNK WORLDWIDE 23
BEER FOR PEACE 21
THE PETREES 21
CLIFFORD OBER 20
GOLDEN TEAM 14
BLACK AND BLUE 11
SILLY ALBANIANS 9

GAME TWO (Action Movie Porn)

CLAVINS 33

NATIONAL PLEASURE 2: CAGE DANCING 30

FIRE CROTCH DOWN BELOW 30

BLACK COCKS ON A PLANE 28
LOTS OF BEER FOR PEACE 27
RAMBONE: FIRST BLOODY VAGINA 27
SCHINDLER'S LIST 2: THE SHIKSAS 27 (more like last week's category, yes?)
(BLACK) MEN IN BLACK (MEN) 24
FIVE IN THE HOLE 23
SHAFT 23
IF YOU THINK THIS IS BASIC TRAINING YOU'VE GOT BAD INSTINCTS 22 (A name this long and this unfunny is so sad.)
DIE HARD 12" INCHES OF STEEL 19
ALIEN VS SEXUAL PREDATOR 18
CLIFFORD OBER 18
LETHAL WEAPON 5: COCKED AND LOADED 18
SNAKES ON A PLANE 14
VAJAYJAYS ON THE PROWL 7

The Saga of the Clavins

2007-06-10T22:02:00.000-04:00

So if you've been to Quizzo anytime over the last five and a half years, you know there's a certain group of folk who tend to rack up impressive scores who go by a simple yet elegant name: The Clavins. Named of course for John Ratzenberger's character from "Cheers", the Clavins are stalwart supporters of Quizzo at the Pour House who have earned nothing but derision, contempt and scorn from the competeing teams, not wholly without reason. There are three main reasons they are the team everybody loves to hate...

First of all, they don't change their name. Many people are long time regulars at Quizzo, but they change their name every week, every game, trying to score that elusive pitcher of free beer for best team name. You could be losing to the same group of people every week and you wouldn't necessarily know it because whatever they're calling themselves this week is never what they called themselves last week. The rest of the bar is filled with ciphers, but not The Clavins; they are constant, they are eternal, they are cold, hard fact. So we all know them (even though the lineup of that "them" can change from week to week), because of the simple immutable law: Branding Works. You hear the same name week after week after week and it sinks in, it sticks, you know who they are. And any week they win you feel that bile rise in your gorge and you can't help but think of Seinfeld and his own nemesis from the post office as you mutter under your breath in a sharp whisper, "Clavins!" (Fun Fact: When I played in Philly the team we ran up against the most was Hello, Newman.)

But of course the main reason you know who they are is, frankly, because they're really quite good at doing that winning at Quizzo thing. They don't win every week (really!), but they sure win a hell of a lot. They'll tell you it's because they come so consistently to play ("80% of success is showing up"), or that, golly, we sure got lucky tonight, but they also have quite the roster of ringers (trivia-geeks) to draw from. I mean, these people really love their trivia. Do you know why I instituted a policy of letting people send me trivia questions? Because the Clavins were already doing it. Constantly. You know why I advertise Quizzo as available for weddings? Because we ran a game at the wedding reception of two Clavins. Do you want to guess where those two Clavins met? Yup. The same bar they're in every Tuesday...

Which brings me to the third and chief reason you people are always gunning for Da Calvinz, that age old reason that has never failed us: Everyone else is doing it. I think the term is Straw Doll. They're a convenient perceived enemy that the whole herd can band together to despise, so you do it. What immigrants and gays are for Republicans, so too The Clavins are for Quizzo (but without the culture or fashion sense). Rarely does the bar join in unison to celebrate a winning team, but jeepers you people sure can pile onto a String-Up-The-Clavins bandwagon right quick when they have good night. But here's the thing I'm going to let you in on, The Clavins feed on that shit. Like that inky goop that killed Tasha Yar they just grow stonger and more tenacious the more you all loathe them. They're like Trivia-Terminators or genital warts, they are relentless and they always come back stronger than before. They have no Achilles heel. Or do they...? (To be continued)

2007-06-06T21:31:00.000-04:00

Girly Games for Girly Men

So the idea came to me last week, as I noticed more and more young ladies coming to play Quizzo: is my game fair to the fairer sex? Then I realized how much that last question sounded like Carrie from Sex in the City and I knew what I had to do: Ladies Night at Quizzo. I made a concerted effort to make the GLOQ (Gorgeous Ladies of Quizzo) squeal with happiness the way the guys do when I start a question with something like "In the movie Caddyshack..."; I wanted to give them the same delight. So I wrote many a question from the other side of my brain: Gilmore Girls, Bridget Jones, dELia*s, Tinkerbell Nail Polish, Hanson...

The idea was, more female-centric questions would allow the ladies an evening of beating up on the men. Well, I learned two things: The ladies don't need my help, thank you very much, and the boys at Quizzo are more in touch with their feminine sides than they want anyone to know.

Maybe it was just the squad of new dudes parked in front of us the whole game (welcome, gentlemen), but there seemed to be an inordinate number of guys throughout the bar knowing, say, what school Felicity skipped so she could be close to Ben, and then there would be the longest tirades about how embarrassed they were for knowing that stuff. Methinks the dudes was protesting waaaay too much. But it wasn't just a random question here or there. Look at the scores below: you guys (I mean the ones who pee standing up) knew almost everything! As uncomfortable as the the shirtless guys handout and the Kate Hudson movie list made you, you sure mustered up some damn good scores. But instead of being proud, you were all mortified! From the discomfort you exhibited you'd think you were back in the 8th grade getting spontaneous erections in gym. (At least we keep telling ourselves they were spontaneous...)

Look you awkward straight boys, just because you know this stuff doesn't make you gay (trust me, the gay people I know are much, much cooler than you'll ever be); it just means that your brains are much more fully developed than you'll admit to. You're open-minded, in the best sense. Be proud of that. Hell, use it to your advantage on the GLOQ. Remember, just like guys dig girls who know sports stuff, so too the ladies admire a man who knows how Court Foster died in The Man in the Moon and isn't afraid to say so.

GAME ONE
Clavins 35

Scooter Got Fucked by Dick 34

Jail ... That's Hot 33

Paris Won't Have her Vespa (But She'll Have Scooter) 32
Next in Jail: Sexy White House Socialite Harriet Meirs 31
Scooter's Cellmates 31
Chickspeare 30
Lowered Expectations 30
Matha Thawed Her Money Piles Twelve Hours Before Indictment 27
Scooter's Stay at the Paris Hilton 25
Tank Johnson's Arsenal 25
Pardon Me, I Have a Dick in My Ass 24
Sylvia Plath E-Z Bake Oven 24
Pour-o at the Quiz House 24
Where's Jaque? 21
Orange is the New Black 18
The New B's 13

GAME TWO (Worst Sequel Ever)

Sound of Music II: A Bad Habit's Hard to Break 39

Free Willy 4: Love Knows No Species 38

The Queen II: Prince Charles's Revenge 37 (tie break winner)

Look Who's Clavin Now 37
Alien vs. Predator 2: This Time Alien Wins 36
The Notebook 2: Reanimation 35
Schindler's List 2: The Resurrection 34
Schindler's List II: Rise from the Ashes 32
Casualties of Love II: The Lorene Bobbitt Story 30
Passion of the Christ: Jesus Strikes Back 29
Knocked Up: Thanks John Roberts 29
Dances with Cougars: The Beavers are Loose 28
Dirty Dancing: Just the Tip 28
How Gangrene was my Valley 25
Snakes on a Plane II: Snakes on a Boat 25
Sophie Changes Her Mind 25

Special thanks to cool Eric for loaning us a camera when ours went south. He's our hero.

What a Feeling!

2007-05-30T22:56:00.001-04:00

I now understand why blogs always have that mea culpa entry, flailing themselves for abandoning their readers. As if countless thousands of people were having their days ruined, RUINED I say, by not having their 45 second diversion from work (that's right, I know where you are right now). But I did say I was going to be absent for a while, working on the Free For All and what not. OK, mostly it's been what not. Sue me. BTW, I'm rocking the mic tomorrow through Saturday at Love's Labor's Lost; if you see me there give me a high five or a wedgie or something.

So this week was much more pleasant wasn't it? Renegade, Ashlee Simpson, Lazy Sunday, The Aristocats all made appearances. The soundtrack was kickin'. I saw you kids grooving along to Irene Cara; don't try to deny the power of her siren song... The questions were a bit friendlier, the handouts were, literally, easy, your scores were higher and no one threatened to punch me in the nut sack. All in all a pleasant evening. True, I almost stumped the room entirely with Conky, but one intrepid team saved you all the pain of hearing that question next week. Beautiful.

Oh, and what was up with all the cute girls in the place? I swear, don't you people know that Quizzo is traditionally only played by ultra dorky boys? I have noticed an alarming trend of more and more female dominated or even exclusively female teams participating in our evening's festivities. People, if word gets out that DC is filled with women who are cute and smart we're going to blow our national image totally. Now if we could just get the ladies to win more frequently so we could get more of their pictures on our site. Hmmmm...

Anyway, here's how the kids did this week.

GAME ONE

Wolfowitz Offers to Show Sheehan His Retirement Package 36

Clavins 34

Lindsay Gets Her 3UI 28 (Tiebreak winner)

Pediatric Gynocologists 24
Lowered Expectations 28
Low Expectations 16
The Go Gos (We're Still on Vacation) 17
Fuck Lindsay Lohan, Gimme Hannah Montana 22
It's Not Easy Being "3" 16
A Shell of Our Former Selves 20
Poor-o at the Quiz House 16
All Hail the Grist 23
I Play with Myself All the Time 27
The Elephant Sat on the Bar 18
Pink or Choco Taco? 11

GAME TWO (Toys that will never be in the National Toy Hall of Fame)
Partial Birth Operation 35

Don't Piss On the Electric Fence 32

Clavins Action Figure 31

16 Inch Dildo Lawn Darts 13
Star Jones Light Saber Dildo 27
Bobby Brown's Raggedy Whitney Doll 24
George W. Speak & Spell 23
Richard Pryor's Corpse ("The Toy") 19
My Little "Boney" 22
French Tickler Me Elmo 26
Gerber Baby Rubber Vagina 29
Stephen Hawking Action Figure 25
Electric Frozen Flag Poles 24
Obese Barbie 12

Putting the Schmack in Smackdown

2007-05-22T23:12:00.000-04:00

Holy crap. Did I lay you people out tonight or what? Maybe it was the Yuengling, but it took me a little longer than usual to figure out that I was kicking everybody's collective ass and not even bothering to take names. I guess the multiple number of teams jokering for two (that's 2!) should have tipped me off. The high score for both games was a paltry 26. Oy vey. How do you people stumble home after a night like that when I have just spanked your chubby asses so damn hard? Sorry about that. Sometimes I just have to be mean about it. Yes, Quizzo should be a challenge, but I don't mean to cripple y'alls.

In deference to all the new faces (who are all you people?! Er, I mean, "Welcome!") I promise next week to ease up on the slap and add a little more tickle to the evening's proceedings.

Oh, and my bad on bringing a camera to the evening but failing to bring its battery. Here it is on the desk in front of me. Sorry. I ironically suck and blow at the same time. Special thanks to the cute brunette to be named later who loaned her soul-stealing photography machine which will later allow me to display the bright, shiny faces of the winning teams. But for now, les scores:

Game One

The Duke's Centennial 26
(As you can see Todd's penis compares to a $30 bar tab coupon quite favorably)

Lowered Expectations 25

Pour-O at the Quiz House 24 (Tiebreak winner)

Help Is One the Way 9 (a young lady playing solo, God bless her)
Team at the Bar 18
Awesome (not) 5
What Are We Doing Inside? It's a Beautiful Day 22
Clavins 20
Chris/Mitch 13
Avandia: Putting the Die in Diabetes 22
No Leo, Predator F***ing won! 21
Winnie the Pooh declare Fatwa on Bees 24
Amnesty for Interns if They Leave Now 21
Dear Jerry Falwell: Touch Yourself! 19 (the exclaimation point makes it funnier!)
Alcoholic Masturbation - We Drink to Feel Good 22
The Other Ben Harper 19
Estonian Cyber Attacks 12
Attorney General Short List 19

GAME TWO (Worst Presidential Debate Question)

Clavins 26 (off the schneid!)

Hillary: One Bag or Two? 22 (Tiebreak winner)

Cut or Uncut? 22
(Their hard work earned each of them almost 91 cents!)

Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom? 13
How Many Babies Have You Killed? 7
Who Knows a Poor Person? 19
Spit or Swallow? 7
Boxers or Briefs? 16
Team at the Bar 18
Are You a Pitcher or Catcher? 21
How Many Times Have You Kissed Your Mother? 18
Is Billy Salty? 21
So How Many Wives Do You Have? 15
Why are you a Republican? 19
Is that a Roll of Dimes in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to See Me? 10
If Deporting a Pregnant Illegal Would Result in Abortion, Should She Stay? 19
Are You Ron Paul 12

Lastly, a hypothetical: What do you do if your friend has had a few and inadvertantly/intentionally pops you in the face ... HARD. Resisting the instinct of fisticuffs you discover that hours and beers later your face hurts and your glasses still aren't sitting on your face right? That's right. Publish a picture of him dressed as Snoopy. It's the only logical revenge. Take that Paul Mangano. You dirty dog.

Remuneration, Dude.

2007-05-21T22:32:00.001-04:00

It will be a little crazy to post much this week as I've got hosting and non-hosting duties to handle at the Free For All. I know you all know about it, but if you don't, then start knowing: The Shakespeare Theatre Company (my day job) is performing Love's Labor's Lost out at Carter Barron Amphitheatre in Rock Creek Park starting this Thursday and going until June 3rd. The show starts at 7:30 every night (except Monday) and I have to run about the grounds tending to the masses and absolutely not pushing our next season on them, that would be wrong, especially not our special 50% off for folks 35 and under. But I digress. Did I mention the Free For All is free? And a lot of fun? Well, its both those things which is what makes it so popular. The first week of the run you can usually pick up your tickets at the amphitheatre on the day of the show no problem (no guarantees people, I'm just saying...), but during the second week you've really got to line up early or you're S.O.L. The show is one of our better ones and I can't wait to see it in the park; this is a show that I predict will actually be better outdoors. I can't wait to see/hear the rock 'n' roll parts of the show playing in that amphitheatre; it's gonna kick ass.

Does it seem strange that this site doesn't seem to have much trivia on it? Something to whet the appetite. Give a little flavor of what's to come at Quizzo this week? That seems a cheap way to get people to come back (boy, once you see the Blogger dashboard stats the ol' Marketing Manager instincts kick in), but give me a few more days to figure it out. There's got to be an interesting way of throwing fun facts out there that doesn't just give away the game to devoted readers (both of you. Hi Mom!) I will tell you, just this once, that there are a few items I've dropped casually in the last few posts that will be making an appearance in tomorrow night's game. Devoted readers now have a slight edge. There: that's your hint. See you tomorrow night at the Pour House; and the rest of the week at the Free For All. Say hi!

A Bit Dickish

2007-05-17T21:24:00.000-04:00

So I think I'm becoming that guy.

Twice today someone asked me how the City vs. City Smackdown went and instead of giving them the rundown of winners and losers, I told them to read my blog. What. A. Dick. Oy. I mean, I'm a bit of a dick in the first place, I recognize that. But to become that kind of a dick ... that's just sad. I promise to change instantly.

So speaking of the butt-kicking we took from Ottawa (ooh, I said I wasn't going to mention that agian didn't I?), let’s do a City vs.City post mortem shall we? What worked for you? What didn’t? Give me some feedback. Now, what I learned from this hootenanny is that just because nine people in as many major metropolises (metropoli?) call what they do "Quizzo" doesn't mean they're all the same thing. They ain't. My Quizzo finch is living on a different island of the Galapagos than their Quizzo finch. It was the same critter once but now theirs has a longer wingspan and ours has a sharp curved beak good for cracking seeds. Not saying one'sgood and one's bad. There's room for all God's chitlins. From CvC it just seems DC's audience digs that crazy pop culture while everyone else seems really enthusiastic about world geography. They also follow the fine traditions of Quiz Bowl style questions whilst I happily rip off You Don’t Know Jack with too many doouble entendres thrown in. Maybe if we do this again I’ll lobby to have a few more, um, entertaining questions put into the mix... Ouch. OK, in fairness the audio round was colossally, cosmically awesome and I feel like a tool for not giving the Pour House crowd such aural pleasures long, long ago; it's on my list of things to do. I swear. Aural pleasure coming your way.

But don’t just tell me what I want to hear. What did you guys think of the night? Did you mind shelling out money to play? Should it be longer? Harder? (Like anyone has ever lobbied for shorter and softer.) Dancing monkeys? What do you guys need? Help me help you.

City vs. City Smackdown Results, The Gym

2007-05-16T11:38:00.000-04:00

Well kids, the City vs. City Smackdown has been completed across the continent and all the scores are in. Cities sent their top 5 or 3 or 2 scores in and I’ve placed them all in the chart below. All DC teams finished out of the money. And I'm only going to say this once: Ottawa mopped the floor with us. The Ottawa Fatwa is on.

But our teams should also be proud of their scores which more than held up against the majority of the cities and which, frankly, were a different format and style than we’re used to. But those freaks of nature in Philly clearly had an advantage with their superior knowledge of unimportant facts and they proved just too tough to beat. Then again, maybe it all comes down to diet; I understand scientists have yet to identify all of the nutritional benefits of Cheez Whiz. But Denver was not to be denied either, slipping into second place between Philly’s top two teams. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have got to play some serious catch up. Maybe in preparation of the next City vs. City Smackdown, I should start eliminating the fun questions from my games? Seriously though, this was a lot fun and I'm glad to be in contact with so many quizzomasters across our fair land. Looking forward to the next one already!

PHILADELPHIA Sofa Kingdom 142
DENVER Denver Misfits 138
PHILADELPHIA MAGMA 134
DENVER I Am Curious George 128
PHILADELPHIA Satan's World 124
PHILADELPHIA What's the Soup du Jour? 122
PHILADELPHIA Reservous Dogs 114

OTTAWA Plush Toy of the Apocalypse 112
SEATTLE Lactose Intolerant 110
DENVER Sex Panther On The Beach: Slaves To The Grind 109
DENVER DTC Combo 109
SEATTLE Pepperjack 105

OTTAWA Fielding Melish 104

OTTAWA Chariots on Fire 102
DC DC: The Only Capital City in North America 101

DC The Team at the Bar 99

SEATTLE The Neckbeards 98
Toronto The Single Team 97
DC The Clavins 95
DENVER Lawndarts for Mudshrimp 94
SEATTLE Mountaineers Heart $300 94
SEATTLE Par Four 94
CHICAGO Commuter Ninja's 91
ATLANTIC CITY The Mystery Machine 90
DC DC Stands for Duplicate Copy 88
DC Chocolate City with a Marshmallow Interior 86
ATLANTIC CITY The Shocker 82
CHICAGO Super Balls 80
BALTIMORE TKW 60
BALTIMORE GNOW + Bill 59

Good News While You Can Get It

2007-05-16T08:22:00.000-04:00

Not all cities have posted their results, so there's nothing official to announce yet, but from the scores that have come in so far it appears that DC has beaten more than a few cities. I'll get all the final scores to you as soon as possible. Go DC!

Fallswell that Ends Well

2007-05-15T21:47:00.000-04:00

Maybe it was the re-energizing effect of the City vs City Smackdown, maybe it was the sea of new blood (ew, that's a less than tasty, near Biblical image ... I mean "new players"), maybe it was the news that Jerry Falwell finally got called home, but tonight's game was ebullient and jubillent to say the least. It was jubooblient. Actually, any night where I catch a cute blonde at the bar unbuttoning her top to score extra points is bound to be an extra jubooblient night. Ah,just like the old days...

Seriously though, lots of new faces. Always nice when that happens. In the first game, the Clavins were hitting for the upperdecks, slamdunking everything in sight, greasing their shuttlecocks with wild abandon and several other sports metaphors as well as they tried to make up for their surprise loss the night before. But their sure-thing victory was plucked away from them at the last moment by upstarts Lowered Expectations who jokered for a perfect, wicked 20 in the last round. Daaaag! Meanwhile, DC Smackdown Champs (how long they gonna ride that win?) were feeling pretty cocky until they slipped to third and then lost a tie-breaker on what year the Teletubbies debuted. (The Team at the Bar, our second place winning team from City vs City clearly blew all their brain cells last night as they barely registered on the scoresheet and fled into the night after the first game. Wise choice boys.)

After a Halftime Show of current Top 40 artists (Ne-yo? Akon? Mims? Who the hell are these clowns? What happened to names I recognize? Icicle Works? Foghat? Anyone? How about Taco?) we got to the second game where those new terrors Les Cousins Dangereux (formally Lowered Expectations) jokered for 20 again in the final round to take another win. Back to back? You gotta be kidding me! That's just cruel. We have new contenders at the Pour House people. Memorize their ruthless smily faces, you'll be seeing them again soon.

GAME ONE
Lowered Expectations (35 - First)

The Clavins (34 - Second)

Falwell Devastated Upon Meeting Black Jesus
(31 - third, tie-breaker winners)

And their challengers:
The Team at the Bar 24
Paris Does Prison 21
Both J. Falwell and Gilmore Girls Finally Die 28
Go Quiz Yourself 18
Just the 3 of us 27
The Moral Majority 24
Fallswell that Ends Well 28
Moral Minority 24
And Then There Were Two 17
The Devil Went Down to GA. and Burned That Shit Down 24
Tommy Thompson for President 21
I Din't Have Gas Today 21
DC Smackdown Champs 31

GAME TWO - Theme Name: What Porn was Jerry Watching When He Died?

Les Cousins Dangereux 37

Jesus, Joseph and Mary: A Threesome 30

Passion of the Dikes 30

And the rest...
I Dismember Mama 18
Christian Coalition Cocks 15
Oral Majority 23
Clavins 30
The Oral Majority III: Wynches in Lynchburg 30
Tinky Winky's Stinky Pinky 26
Jesus Does Nazareth 30
Wet Hot Passion of the Christ 27
Tinkie Winkie's Tinkie Winkie 23
Second Cumming of Jesus 27
The Best of Incest: Jesus Does the Not-So-Virgin Mary 28

Oh and by the way, many people commented on Rebecca's lovely Eastern Market shirt ( I think you all wanted an excuse to look at her C-cups) and as she no doubt told you they are available for sale at many Capitol Hill vendors including Marvelous Market and Dawn Price Baby (the shirt, not the C-cups). Go here for more info or to donate to the cause.

And remember! Tomorrow we learn the winning city in the City vs City Smackdown. Stay tuned! Well, no, don't. Untune and come back tomorrow. That just makes more sense.

It is Ovah!

2007-05-14T23:32:00.000-04:00

"We came. We saw. We kicked it's ass!" So went up the mighty battle cry of the winning teams after the completion of the first ever City vs. City Smackdown: at least the DC leg of the event. There are still many a burg that will complete the event tomorrow (yes, we will try harder to get everyone to play on the same night in the future), so I can't go into too many details except to say I think DC did not embarrass itself in the least.

Were the questions tough? Surely. This is Quizzo. Were the teams up to the challenge? Hells, yes. Then again, we're kinda playing in avacuum here. Who knows how we'll compare with the others...? Only time will tell.

The evening began with a few gettin' ready for battle tunes (who doesn't get pumped up by "Lose Yourself?") and segueing into a lovely little tune by The Magnetic Fields called "Washington, DC." You could feel the city pride rising in the crowd. That pride carried through to the end of the evening where, when the winners were announced, something happened I'd never seen before at Quizzo: the losing teams cheered, yes, flat out cheered for the winners. Then again, maybe they were just happy it wasn't The Clavins?

I'm tired and I go to bed proud of my teams. Of course, tomorrow I'll wake to discover that we were blown away by Philly, but for tonight, we rest as champions. Sweet dreams.

(Winners' details to follow in a future post. )

Torturous Questions

2007-05-14T13:32:00.000-04:00

"My main man. Tell me something, OK? What is the problem with Michael Jackson?"
Interrogator, Three Kings

So we're less than seven hours away from the first City vs City Quizzo and things, finally, are set. Things were actually much closer to set this morning when I received the questions for tonight, but decidedly far from set when, while loading the audio round onto my iPod, the indespensible little mother went kablooey and froze up on me. Oh, Crap.

But now a few hours later, hot tempers have had a chance to cool and after banging the iPod on my desk, depriving it of legal council and holding it under water for a few minutes (I learned so much from my stay in Guantanamo!) the little bugger is behaving. The audio round is all set. And actually, it's my favorite round.

I was a little nervous about using questions written by other quizzomasters, their tone is just a little drier than mine, but now I'm over it and looking forward to tonight. What the questions lack in pizzazz they make up for in variety of topic and ... what's the word I'm looking for? Ruthlessness? Let's just say, there's no grey area about what the questions are asking and what the answers are. Whereas my questions can be a little ornate leaving people asking themselves "Does he want the name of the song or the band or the shoe size of the lead singer?" These are all very straight forward. Tell me the name of the dog on Frasier ... or die. I think you'll enjoy them, if you survive. See you all tonight!

A Brief History of Scorebabes

2007-05-12T17:19:00.000-04:00

Since the dawn of time, man has needed a special, curvy someone to stand next to him and point at things.

From Vanna to Barker's Beauties to Kari freaking Wuhrer on Remote Control, our culture has demanded that dorky game show hosts have someone really hot stand near them and perform menial tasks well beneath their intelligence level (okay, except Carmen Electra on Singled Out, whose total hottiness could not overcome her horrendous co-hosting. It has nothing to do with the fact that she was hired to replace the irreplaceable Jenny McCarthy, she was just so pretty and so very, very, very dumb). Basically, we love soft and pretty, but we really love soft, pretty and smart. I learned this many, many years ago when I started having a corresponding secretary type help me score all the rounds of Quizzo which could help make the game go faster and give me the chance for piss breaks. Originally a silent partner who worked for a free drink or two, the role has developed under Rebecca's watch to a non-silent partner who kills on the mic, is beloved by the crowd and works for a free drink or eight.

Until Rebecca finally succumbed to my ineffable charms and decided to move to DC, I had a variety of wonderful (that's code for curvy) friends and co-workers who helped out: Miss Joy, Sara, Faye... and I've had some awesome subs attempt to fill Becca's shoes when she can't make it: Jackie, Lindsay, Maddy, Ariel, Cherie, Olivia; all have leant their time and skills from time to time. There have also been some intrepid (that's code for curvy and drunk) volunteers from the audience who have abandoned their teams in order to come offer their talents on nights when the scorebabe was unexpectedly engaged elsewhere. And while I'm always appreciative, I usually prefer to send them back to their teams. It's nothing personal, I just don't like them, how they smell or what they're wearing.

So Monday, during the City vs City Trivia Tussle, Rebecca has to work her day job at night. That's right, she will not be there. So I'm faced with the quandry of having potentially a really big crowd, lots of new faces and no kick-ass Scorebabe to help keep them all in line. I confess I haven't exactly been beating the bushes for a replacement. I mean, if I can't have the best Scorebabe of all time on such a big night, what's the point in having some stand-in who'll just be a pale substitute? Plus, I know it's killing her to miss such a big night and I think she'd be a little jealous of someone getting to be there in her place.

So, it's decided. I'm going solo. I've done it before. I'll do it again. It just isn't worth it without Rebecca there. Unless Jenny McCarthy's available. I'm not stupid.

Begun it has

2007-05-11T19:31:00.000-04:00

So, I outed myself the owner of a small, mangy Quizzo blog today. So now you all know. Guess I better come up with some things to say eventually...

I'm actually about to run out and lose all my money to friends at a poker game, but before I did so I wanted to point everyone to a Washington Post piece written by Fritz Hahn about the City vs. City Smackdown.

How great is it to live in a city where one of the Going Out Gurus is a trivia nutjob? Lucky me. Fritz plays all coy like he can't figure out why he loves our game so much. He won't just own up the fact that he's a little obsessed with useless information. If I had a dollar for every time he tried to pimp some wholly bizarre piece of information to me that "would make a great question," I would have many more dollars to lose at my poker game tonight.

A few quick things to refute in the article ... You do not have to be there by 6 to play. Fritz asked when people should show up and I suggested early (I know Tuesday night tables can fill up as early as 5:30), but it is not mandatory to "register" (what?) by 6. Hell, come late. We'll still let you play.

Also, about the spies. It's true. We've hired a team of tiny ninjas (possibly related to Eastern Market fishmongers) to patrol the grounds looking for unscrupulous scallywags who would attempt to profit through inappropriate means. So don't even try it people. You don't want to go out like that.

Have a beautiful weekend. Call your moms.

City vs. City Quizzo

2007-05-10T23:27:00.000-04:00

7 PM, Monday, May 14th at the Pour House.

It is on like the proverbial Donkey Kong.

Atlantic City, Baltimore, Chicago, DC, Denver,

Ottawa, Philadelphia, Seattle and Toronto

Nine cities. Over $600 in cash and prizes. Time for some fun.

I met Johnny Goodtimes when he came through town last year on a cross country blogging tour. He sat in for a round of Tuesday night Quizzo and served up some good, tough questions for DC's finest audience to tangle with. Oh, and he got heckled a lot too.

Well, that heckling must have stuck in his craw a bit because he came up with an idea to pit Philly against DC in a vicious no-holds barred trivia throwdown. Well, maybe he had the idea after he'd already gotten confirmations from Seattle and Denver, but the point is we are now one of nine (NINE!) cities participating in this behemoth of a thing. Each city's Quizzomaster is pitching in 50 bucks towards a $300 grand prize plus a $150 second place grand prize. Sounds good, huh? However, because not all cities could play on the same night, we will not know the winning cities until late Tuesday or possibly Wednesday. (Check this blog to learn the results!) And because I know you kids need instant gratification in your lives, the good folks down at the Pour House are kicking in bartabs and cash for the top three DC teams ($100, $50 and $20).

So how will it work? It will work thusly: There's a $10 buy-in per team and your team cannot exceed 8 members. The game is five rounds with each round getting increasingly harder for increasingly more points. And knowing the guys who are putting the questions together (and I don't) these are going to be some tasty, tough questions.

A few more things: There's no jokering, there will be one audio round (perhaps a disadvantage for DC since you people never shut up) and there will be special Delta Force level tie-breaker mechanisms in place for both DC team vs DC team tie breaking as well as city vs city tie breakage. Trust me. This is going to work.

If you have any questions about this, please feel free to ask me immediately after the game on Monday because I really do care.

Now I know you people are already spending your winnings in your heads on phone bills, Play Stations and heart felt Mother's Day cards, but let me remind you what the most important part of this little international trivia tourney is: Bragging Rights! Mine. Not yours. I don't know if you're aware, but DC is considered a bottom feeder in this thing. They think we're a joke. Odds are being laid on the side that we're going to lose to everyone, including Ottawa. I wish I were making this up. Please, kids, please. When you come to play on Monday (and I know you're coming) I need you to bring it. Bulk up on pasta, re-read A Separate Peace, spend the weekend watching reruns of Charles in Charge, memorize the complete biography of Jim Varney if you must, do whatever you have to do to ensure your team gets a win. Because when the dust settles on this bad boy we want to see the District of Columbia, the little district who could, standing above the battered, bloated carcases of the other laughably pathetic cities. Bring it, DC. I know you can do it.

We saved Eastern Market all by ourselves!

2007-05-08T23:21:00.000-04:00

Wow, Wowie and Wowsers. What a great turn out tonight. The place was pizz-acked with good friends, new and old. Wall to wall. Not that we've never been wall to wall before, but let's just say, it's been a month or two before it was REALLY packed. Very nice. Very nice indeed.

We instigated Operation Blog tonight with Rebecca taking pics of the winning teams (note to self: question next week on Operation Dumbo Drop) which seemed to go well. We also were raising money for Easter n M arket Rescue and I have to say, the people there tonight GOT it. I mean, I'd like to think they were there for Quizzo, but they were mostly there for a burned out shell of a market and that meant so much more to me. At last count we had raised over 20 million dollars. Or maybe just twenty. I don't remember. Let's say somwhere in between right now. Full details to follow.

There were four or five teams made up of former regulars who made the trek back to the Pour House and it was really fun to see them back. Jose, Akiva, Andy, Cherie, Olivia, Ashley, Rob, Tom, Josh (I feel like the Romper Room woman with her magic mirror; or for you kids, Prince with his magic mask...): folks we haven't seen in weeks to months. Great to have you all back. But of course the regulars who never left, y'all's the shit. And Emily even brought the girls out (not pictured ... yet) and they helped her team win ... twice! Way to go!

So let's recap how the kids did tonight (best possible score, as always, is 40-ish):

GAME 1 Who doesn't love a threeway? Needed two tiebreakers to break it!

Bill Clinton's Anti-AIDS Strategy 32 (1st)

45 Days in Paris 32 (2nd)

Subpoena Colada 32 (Third)

And their challengers...
Queen Went to the Derby and Became my Old Kentucky Ho 31
One Night in Paris II: Big Momma's Turn 31
Clavins 30
Fort Dix Terrorists: Shooting Blanks 29
Her Majesty's Arsonists 27
LA's Gonorrhea Epidemic Abated for 45 Days 27
Jim and Me 25
Katy's Last Night at Quizzo 24 (Bye Katy!)
We Didn't Start the Fire 20
The Team at the Bar 19
Paris Storms the Bastille 18
Saving the Market One Beer at a Time 16

GAME 2
(Theme Name: What's the worst thing that could be done with the Eastern Market site?)

George W. Bush Commemorative Libary 35

Capitol Disney 33 (Our other double winners of the night)

Clavins 32 (Tiebreaker winners)

And the runners-up...
Rosie O'Donnell Apparel Museum 32
House the Georgetown Library 31
Basra Visitor's Center 29
Marion Barry's Snow Machine, LLC 28
Monorail? Monorail! 28
Build New National's Stadium 28
andguns Whole Sale 28
Build a Starbucks 26
Strangle It, Rape It, Murder It and Throw It in the Ocean 26
Dubya Institute for Foreign Affairs 12

Burning Down the House

2007-05-07T22:32:00.000-04:00

One week ago a DC landmark and the place where I buy food for my family, Eastern Market, burned down. Or up, more accurately. Most of it is still there, a charred hull of what was a truly charming bit of an old-world shopping experience. It's a large reason why people move to this neighborhood. Within the cavernous, not-up-to-fire-code, brick and mortar building were butchers, produce sellers, a florist, the stinky cheese man, a bakery, a fish mongery... it was delightful. The place was packed on weekends with people not from my neighborhood which kind of sucked, but on weekdays, after work I could head down there just before they closed and pick up enough fresh ingredients to make a dinner that you were proud of. The place was 487 years old (what an Amazing Funfact!) and a nice reminder of what life was like before supermarkets. Not that supermarkets are all bad; air conditioning and refrigeration have their admirable qualities. But you know what I mean. The merchants didn't know my name, but they knew me. They smiled and chatted with you and if you had a kid with you, they give you a banana. I swear it's true. Real bananas.

Thanks to Eastern Market, our house had Mystery Fish Thursday. You see, not having been raised eating seafood (mom never trusted the freshness of California fish, go figure) I decided we needed to try eating more. Being novices in the ways of fins and gillage, I turned to the fish monger man at EM. On Thursdays I'd walk in just before he closed and ask "What's good?" Whatever he recommended, I bought; took it home and made a meal of it. I tried tilapia, flounder, scrod, salmon, snapper, rockfish, tuna: whatever the little man suggested. (I say little because he was only 27 inches tall. Oddest thing you ever saw.) But I digress... He never steered me wrong, that tiny man, and it was all pretty darn tasty. The secret is lemon. Lemons bought at Eastern Market. You see where I'm going?

Anyway, tomorrow night the Pour House is donating a portion of its proceeds to Eastern Market Rescue to help out the merchants who lost their livelihoods in the fire. Ridiculously, I mentioned it to Fritz over at der Post who told everyone on Going Out Gurus that I've got a fire-themed evening. Uh, yeah, right... Um, guess I'd better get cracking on that one. Oh well, it'll be worth staying up late crafting brilliant questions to raise a little dough for a worthy cause. Hope to see you there (he said to no one in particular).

Cheers!

Day One: I am eaten by sharks

2007-05-05T23:38:00.000-04:00

OK, so I've been running Quizzo for over five years. I've barely missed a Tuesday. Rain or shine (has shine really ever delayed anything important? Just asking.), snow or sleet, Election Night or State of the Union (these things are big in this town I'm told), I am THERE. Yes, we usually take off between Christmas and New Years and yes, I have had subs when illness or alien abduction has interfered, but otherwise, I'm Mr. Reliable. With the insanely reliable players I have, really I have to be. Anyway, my point is, I'm not some bush league host who shows up and doesn't know his material. So why, why, why, have I never had a damn web-page to promote this thing that I've sunk a good chunk of my life into?

Basically, I was waiting to see if this internets thing took off or not.

The point is, this City vs. City Quizzo thing has come up and the other cities participating have really cool websites so I thought about freaking time I stepped up. So, my daughter pointed me in the right direction and now I'm typing. This will get better (it can only right?) I am sure.

OK: First lame post is done. I look forward to turning this into a blog worthy of you, the fine reader. See you later.